


The One Where Harry Freaks Out

by Arbelly



Series: The days of Severitis [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Child Abuse, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Physical Abuse, Sick Harry, Sickfic, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:47:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 43,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25842313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arbelly/pseuds/Arbelly
Summary: Harry starts having some issues with anxiety and panic attacks. Snape is a good teacher and does the right thing.Set during third year (Non Can).
Series: The days of Severitis [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2187816
Comments: 60
Kudos: 302





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

The castle was quiet as dawn broke; the golden sky reflected off the calm water of the Great Lake. It was a picturesque view from the window of the Gryffindor boy’s dormitory, a wave of peace passed through the young boy staring out. Almost afraid that a breath would disrupt the serene stillness that lay outside Harry slowly stepped down from his place at the windowsill in search of the time. His dorm mates remained soundly asleep but after locating his watch he determined it was now an appropriate time to get started with his day. Having risen hours ago in a cold sweat from some nightmare he could not quite recall yet was still too afraid of to risk it returning, Harry had lost himself in his thoughts as he waited for the sun to rise. Harry had become quite fond of the time he could busy himself with his daydreams, he couldn’t pin point when exactly it had started but over time he had created a whole world for himself, one with parents who stilled lived and a wizarding world that had always had peace. A world where he was known at school for his skills as a seeker and his happy-go-lucky demeanour instead of a tragic past feat he did not remember. In these daydreams he was happy and confident, a better version of himself, not perfect, just different. 

Harry let himself keep the story going in his mind as he showered and readied himself for the day. As he returned to his dorm the other boys were beginning to stir, grabbing his books he headed downstairs with a muttered promise of waiting in the common room as he passed Ron. 

With most students only just waking up and any early risers already off having breakfast, Harry took the best seat in the empty common room, next to the fireplace, and took out his potions essay. The essay was finished and ready to be handed in during his first class of the day, but he figured there was no harm in revising it just once more. Harry enjoyed the art and theory of potion making and refused to let the issues between himself and Professor Snape sully the subject. While the classes could be painful with the strict rules and clear dislike of the Gryffindor students by the potions master, Harry was determined not to draw the dungeon bats attention and to submit good quality work this term. Satisfied with his essay, Harry packed away his things and waited for his friends before heading to breakfast. 

_________________________________oOoOoOoOoOoO_________________________________

The chatter in the Great Hall that morning was dull, with talk of this person dating that person and this person bothering that person, it truly did bore Harry senseless. Without the need to actively participate in the conversation Harry slipped into his mind and into a made-up scenario about being hoisted onto his teammates shoulders after securing the golden snitch and in turn the win for Gryffindor over Slytherin. 

‘You look happy’

The words shook Harry from his thoughts as he looked across the table to Hermione who was looking at him expectantly. He had not noticed the smile that had formed on his face as the Quidditch scene had played in his mind like a movie. 

‘Oh’ he replied with an awkward giggle. 

Hermione gave him another look but turned her attention to the incoming mail when she realised that was the only response she would receive. A brown barn owl swooped low over the table dropping the days issue of The Daily Prophet smoothly in front of the girl. Harry watched as she unrolled the newspaper and furrowed her brow in concern over the first page. 

‘What is it?’ Harry asked, a modicum of fear entering his voice.

Hermione didn’t raise her eyes from the paper as she announced while reading, ‘Another break out at Azkaban… more death eaters… five missing…fears that You-Know-Who has returned’ Harry’s heart sank.

‘What’s Fudge saying?’ Ron chimed in.

Harry looked around and saw that they had drawn the attention of some surrounding students, all eager to hear what was happening. 

Hermione read on before answering, ‘He is denying a major security breach, promising that the situation is under control and referring to claims that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has returned as ridiculous and unfounded.’

‘Do you know who escaped?’ Neville asked leaning over the table from where he sat next to Harry.

Harry didn’t hear much of the conversation after that, he wasn’t aware of much other than the beating of his heart, so very loud in his ears, and the words he couldn’t stop repeating in his mind, he is back, Voldemort is back. 

As if acting on auto pilot, Harry somehow made his way from breakfast and down to the dungeons with the other third year Gryffindor and Slytherin students. He entered the classroom, made it to his seat and pulled out his things only really coming back to himself when Snape began addressing the class. 

‘Turn to page 127 of your texts, today will be covering the effect of Wollemi root as a grounding agent in different potions’, drawled the potions professor. 

Through the class Harry did everything he could to concentrate on the lecture and take notes, but he had trouble ignoring the tightness that was forming in his chest. With his left hand, he grasped the front of his school sweater and held tight, like it would somehow alleviate the pressure in his heart. With all his focus on the monotone yet strangely hypnotic voice of his Professor, he was surprised to look up and see the class was almost over. 

‘Bring your essays to the front as you leave, you are all dismissed,’ finished Snape. 

Harry collected his things and followed Ron and Hermione to the front of the room, adding their homework to the pile on the desk before heading out of the dungeons. 

_________________________________oOoOoOoOoOoO__________________________________

Harry found that if he kept his mind busy, he could start to tune out the feeling of there being a knot tied around his heart. His morning classes passed quickly and as he walked to lunch with his friends they laughed heartily at the expense of Ron who had been startled by the sudden movement of a flobberworm and stumbled backwards straight into a mud patch. 

‘I can feel it soaking through to my pants’, Ron whined.

‘That’s disgusting Ron’, chastised Hermione with a grin.

‘How is that disgusting, it’s just the truth. Also how do you not know a vanishing spell that would clean it up?! I thought you knew everything’, he teased. 

‘Who said I didn’t know a spell to clean it up?’, Hermione laughed at Ron’s clearly affronted expression and hurried off to catch up with Luna up ahead. 

‘So much for being a friend’, Ron complained to Harry, but Harry could only laugh at their bickering. 

‘Tell me honestly mate, does it look like I’ve shit myself?’, Ron turned so Harry could inspect the damage, which just made Harry laugh more.

‘Come on, I’ll go back to the dormitory with you before lunch,’ consoled Harry between laughing fits as he replayed the incident in his head. Ron smiled and joined in with Harry’s laughter as they recounted the moment on their way to the dorm.

Clean and hungry the boys soon made it to lunch, they took seats opposite Hermione, Fred and George, who with a number of other students were sharing theories on the Azkaban break out. At the sound of their words Harry felt his chest constrict again. He was safe at Hogwarts, he knew that, but it still didn’t help him shake the feeling of dread. Perhaps it was because he knew that it would be up to him to fight Voldemort, and perhaps it was because he knew he wouldn’t be able to do it. Sure, he was good in his Defence Against the Dark Arts class, but he was just a kid, he wasn’t ready for that responsibility. 

Harry tried to zone out of the conversation, to find solace in his daydream world, where Voldemort did not even exist. He couldn’t do it though, something was off, the tightness in his chest that had increased to something more akin to a phantom pain kept him grounded to reality. He stared at his lunch, suddenly losing his appetite and took some long deep breaths but to no avail. 

‘Hey, you alright mate?’, Fred’s voice startled Harry.

‘Yeah, fine’, Harry replied with a smile he hoped looked genuine, Fred happily accepted his response and he turned back to George, however Ron and Hermione’s eyes remained fixed on Harry. 

‘When’s the next Hogsmede trip?’ Harry asked trying to sound casual. He knew exactly when it was but the question did the trick of redirecting both the attention and the conversation. 

_______________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo___________________________________

The three friends arrived at Defence, the last class of the day, although it was Harry’s favourite, he lacked his usual enthusiasm. 

‘What do you think is the most useful spell in a witch or wizards arsenal is, when it comes to defence?’, Professor Lupins voice broke through the chatter of the class, instantly gaining the attention of the third year students.

‘Stupify’, a student from the front called.

‘Yes, it is important to know how to immobilise an attacker, but its even better to know how to disarm them. Today you will be working on disarming your partner, everyone out of your seats, find some space and partner and let’s get started.’ Lupin moved the desks to the corner of the room with a wave of his wand as the students found partners. 

Ron dodging Hermione’s gaze quickly partnered up with Neville. 

‘She’s all yours’, he muttered as he passed by Harry.

Harry had no problem having Hermione show him up, plus he wasn’t bad a defence so he was sure he could hold his own. 

Lupin gave his instructions and the students began trying to disarm each other. Hermione steadied her gaze on Harry and with a quick flourish of her wand and a determined ‘Expelliarmus’, his wand was sent flying first try.

‘Very well done,’ Lupin complimented as he wandered past. 

Harry smiled at Hermione who tried to hide her pleasure at the success. Recovering his wand Harry faced Hermione, he felt a tight clench in his chest as he raised his wand and tried to take some steadying breaths. 

‘Expelliarmus’… nothing.

‘Expelliarmus’… Hermione’s wand remained firmly in her grasp.

Harry looked to the ground and took several more deep breaths as a wave of dizziness passed over him, he swayed slightly where he stood, wishing for a moment he had something to hold onto. He wasn’t aware of when he had closed his eyes, but they shot open as he felt a hand gently grasp his elbow.

‘Is everything okay Harry?’ came the soft voice of his teacher. Harry looked up to see Lupin and Hermione standing by his side. He instinctively reached out and grabbed Lupins arm to steady himself. Lupin took Harry’s other hand, concern washing over his face. 

‘Yeah, I’m fine, just a bit dizzy’ Harry tried to shake off the feeling as he was led to a nearby seat. 

‘Alright, just take a seat right here, easy now. Perhaps we should get you to the infirmary?’ Lupin knelt before him. 

‘No, honestly, I’m okay, I feel okay. I just… need to sit… for a second. I probably just didn’t drink enough water today’, he finished lamely. 

‘Okay stay there.’ Lupin rose and strode off into his office, he returned shortly with a glass of water and a sort of lemon flavoured candy which he handed over. Harry slowly sipped the water and after receiving an expectant look from his professor popped the piece of candy into his mouth. 

‘I’m feeling a lot better, sorry about that’ Harry offered.

‘Good, and don’t be silly there is absolutely no need to apologise. Feel free to take it easy for the rest of the class, let me know if you’d like to head up to see Madam Pomphrey’, and with those kind words, Lupin returned to the rest of the students. Harry was thankful that everyone seemed so focussed on the new spell they didn’t notice his little episode, with the exception of Ron of course, who was shooting Harry and Hermione some concerned looks. 

Hermione who had taken a seat next to Harry laid a reassuring hand on his shoulder but didn’t question him and for that he turned gave her a grateful smile. They sat in comfortable silence for several more minutes before Harry decided it had passed and he could continue.

‘Shall we try again?’ He asked Hermione.

‘Are you sure you’re okay?’

‘I feel fine, seriously I do.’ With that Hermione gave him a surveying look and at last decided he was telling the truth.

After giving Hermione the chance to disarm him a couple of times, Harry was eager to try the spell again. He raised his wand, focussed his energy, called out the spell with a flick of his wand, and nothing. Again, he had failed to disarm his friend, he looked around and saw several of his peers disarming their partners, the knot in his chest tightened and he lowered his wand feeling dejected. He had never so blatantly failed at a new spell in Defence before. Hermione gave him a reassuring smile but before she could say anything, Professor Lupin called an end to the class. 

________________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOoO________________________________

Hermione must have filled Ron in on what happened in class because once they were sitting down for dinner, neither of them brought up the incident. Harry tried to contribute to the conversations going on, but he just felt drained and defeated, if his friends noticed they did not mention it. Harry moved the food around on his plate without much appetite, he forced himself to down a bread roll and a glass of juice before excusing himself and making his way out of the Great Hall. 

Harry heard his name being called as he crossed the entrance hall and turned to see Professor Lupin walking his way.

‘Harry, I’m glad I caught you, how are you feeling?’

‘Oh, fine sir, thank you.’ Harry looked down at his feet, feeling quite embarrassed thinking back to the earlier scene in class. 

‘Ok, well be sure to get plenty of rest and to pay a visit to Madam Pomphrey if you need, she is always happy to help’, Lupins voice was kind, but Harry kept his head down hoping the interaction would end. 

‘Yes, sir, thank you, I will’, Harry turned and continued to make his way to his dormitory, without seeing the concerned look on his teachers face. 

________________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo__________________________________ 

Harry’s legs felt heavy, like they were filled with lead as he climbed onto his bed, pulling the curtains around to give himself some privacy seeing as it was still early and the other boys had yet to come up to bed. He lay there for what felt like hours, staring at nothing, and feeling like the entire universe had shifted a few inches to the left but leaving him exactly where he is. The tightness in his chest had been replaced with an emptiness, that was somehow more painful. He felt very much alone in that moment and while his friends slept within a couple meters of him, they felt worlds away. Harry resisted the urge to go and wake Ron, he didn’t know what he would say, he just felt the desperate need for a connection in that moment. Instead he lay there and waited for sleep to come, hoping the world would have righted itself by the morning.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The next morning passed in a blur, Harry had Herbology followed by Transfiguration and was getting ready to head down to the dungeons to potions when he was approached by Oliver Wood.

‘Hiya, Harry, training has been cancelled until further notice, McGonagall said it’s only until they can increase security. Apparently, some parents are worried, what with the death eaters on the loose and all that.’ Oliver was already jogging off before Harry could reply. Harry stared after him, trying to comprehend the news. If the school was taking action than it must be serious, and the only thing Dumbledore would consider a legitimate threat would be the return of Voldemort. 

As Harry entered the potions classroom, already set up for a practical lesson, he couldn’t deny the fear he felt at the prospect of the Dark Lords return. He had never feared Voldemort, not really, but he had also not expected to be faced with his return so soon. It had felt like something that he would have to face as an adult, when he was wiser and stronger and prepared. He couldn’t even disarm one of his best friends in the controlled environment of a classroom, he hadn’t even learnt to duel, let alone battle another wizard. Harry was so lost in his thoughts he didn’t hear any of Professor Snapes introduction and was only stirred when he saw his classmates begin to move about and collect the ingredients for their potions. He turned to Ron who was still trying to make sense of the instructions at the front of the room and tried to clear his head before tackling the work in front of them.   
As Harry was preparing the ingredients for the potion, he started to get the general sense that he wasn’t feeling very well. At first he couldn’t quite identify what the problem was, focussing inwardly he became aware of the tightness in his chest that hadn’t relented since yesterday, however the knot that he felt to be strangling his heart seemed to have reached out and caught hold of his lungs, making each breath more difficult. He felt light-headed and weak, and the more he thought about it the more pronounced these ailments became. Harry raised his hand into the air.

‘Yes, Potter’ Snape called from the front of the room.

‘May I use the bathroom, sir?’ He hoped no one noticed the way his voice cracked slightly.

‘Class has only just begun, perhaps you should have utilised your break time more efficiently’, Snape scolded, however he must have seen the desperation on Harry’s face because he then gave a curt nod of dismissal. 

Harry ignored the surprised look from Ron as he made his way out of the classroom. Harry hurried down the corridor and by the time he had entered the nearby facilities he was practically gasping for air. Harry clutched at his chest, taking deep gulping breaths. He couldn’t get any air. He couldn’t breathe. He paced the bathroom, doubling over as he tried to get his breath, hands fumbling to undo tie and shirt buttons. The tears started coming, hard and fast. His chest ached like he had never felt, and he was sure he would pass out soon if he didn’t get his breath back. He was dying, maybe he was having a heart attack, or perhaps he was suffocating. The room started getting smaller, it was spinning, and Harry lunged into a stall and emptied the contents of his stomach. Leaning back against the stall wall he continued to heave in great gulping breaths, the sobs vocal as he tried desperately to get the oxygen he was sure he was deprived of. One hand clasping his chest the other steadying himself against the wall. Black dots started appearing in his vision so he closed his eyes tight, he needed help but couldn’t move, he didn’t know how much time had passed. 

After what felt like an age to Harry, he heard someone enter the bathroom, he couldn’t believe he was still conscious. 

‘Harry? … Mate are you in here?’ Ron called out as he walked in. His eyes widened as he saw his friend in obvious distress on the bathroom floor. Ron rushed to Harry’s side.

‘Harry! What’s wrong? What’s going on?’ Panic clear in Ron’s voice. 

‘I… I can’t… I can’t breathe, please help’ Harry hiccupped, between gasps. 

‘Okay, come on get up, can you stand up?’

Harry didn’t move, he couldn’t move. Ron got the message.

‘Okay, it’s okay, just wait here, I’ll get help’ the frantic boy then ran from the bathroom leaving Harry alone once again. 

The tears kept coming, Harry tried to open his eyes, but the room was still spinning. He could not understand why there was no air, his chest hurt so much, his heart was beating so fast he was sure it would just stop. Just as he was wondering why it hadn’t just stopped yet, why it hadn’t killed him yet the bathroom door burst open and in swooped his potions Professor. Snape closed the distance between them in two long strides, lowering himself in front of Harry. 

‘What is the issue here Potter?’, Snape asked coldly yet quickly. He pulled out his wand and started muttering an incantation with some complex wand movements while Ron, almost as pale as Harry watched on. 

‘I can’t breathe… my chest… I …’ stuttered a still distraught Harry. 

Having obviously gained whatever knowledge he had been seeking from, the spell performed Snape lowered his wand. Much to the surprise of both students the professor reached out and laid a gentle hand on the boys shoulder. 

‘Harry, you need to calm down okay, you are alright, you are having a panic attack.’ The older man said in a voice kinder than either boy had heard from him. ‘You need to slow your breathing. Look at me Harry, you are okay’. He repeated these instructions slowly, gently squeezing Harry’s shoulder in time with his own deep breaths, until finally the young boy fell in time and began to calm. Harry’s tears subsided and he hung his head forward in utter exhaustion, limbs still shaking. Severus and Ron helped Harry to his feet and out of the bathroom, with an arm around each of them they led Harry into Snapes office and down onto a couch placed to the side of the room. Snape gave Ron instruction to wait with Harry while he dismissed the third-year class.   
Snape returned shortly after and found both boys white as ghosts and in the exact positions in which he left them.   
‘Thank you, Mr Weasley, you may leave.’ Snape dismissed, but at Ron’s hesitation he added, ‘Mr Potter will be quite alright now’. Ron still looked concern but didn’t dare argue with the dungeon bat. 

Snape conjured a blanket and a glass of water; he wrapped the blanket over the hunched and shivering boy. Although he did suspect the shivering wasn’t due to the cold. 

‘Harry, I need you to sip on this water’, at the sound of his name the Harry become more aware of his surroundings, he accepted the glass from his teacher and slowly took a few sips. He felt terrible, he could breathe and he didn’t feel on the verge of unconsciousness anymore but he felt weak and he couldn’t stop his body from shaking, and while he didn’t feel like his heart was about to explode, the tension still remained. Snape took a seat on the couch next to Harry and handed him a vial, Harry looked down at it in confusion. 

‘Calming draught’ the potions master supplied, ‘it will help, drink it’.

Harry took the offered potion and downed it quickly, the strange taste lingering in the back of his mouth. He drank some more water to help wash away the taste and then he started to feel muscles he didn’t even know were so tense, relax. Before long he had stopped shaking and his chest loosened every so slightly, Harry took some slow easy breaths. Severus satisfied with the change he was seeing in the boys manner, rose and began preparing his fireplace for transport. 

‘Harry, we are going to floo to the infirmary, Madam Pomphrey is expecting us.’ With that Snape offered Harry a hand which the boy gratefully accepted, the boy got to his feet and stepped into the fireplace alongside his Professor. Before Harry could even make sense of what was happening, he was stepping out into the infirmary. Snape led him to a nearby bed and Harry made no argument as he climbed up and let his body sink into the mattress. Harry was so exhausted he barely registered Snape informing Madam Pomphrey of the situation before he let himself succumb to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! I'd love any reviews :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, Harry cannot catch a break.

Chapter 3

Harry awoke late the next morning to the sun streaming through the high windows of the infirmary. Harry searched his groggy mind for answers as the events of the previous day flooded back to him. Struck with a feeling of horror, he groped around the bedside table for the glasses he had no memory of removing. His heart sank to his stomach as he remembered leaving his potions class, the way he thought he was dying in the bathroom, Professor Snape witnessing the entire thing. Harry struggled to make sense of what had happened, he tried to comprehend his willingness to accept the help of his least trusted teacher and the way he felt no embarrassment or shame, only relief when he saw the dungeon bat swoop in and save the day. Then the words returned to him, a panic attack. Professor Snape had said he was having a panic attack, he was mortified. The boy set to defeat the dark lord was taken down by a panic attack. Harry felt the tightness return to his chest, although maybe it hadn’t really left, he thought. Trying to steer his thoughts away from Voldemort in an attempt to prevent another incident like that occurring, his mind wandered to his friends and how they were probably wondering where he was. Unfortunately, he quickly lost control of this train of thought as he realised Snape had probably told everyone about how Harry lost control, the word would have spread to the entire school by now. As the panic and shame rose in Harry the whisper of a thought moved to the forefront of his mind, bringing forth a mental image of Snapes serious yet concerned face, his hand grasping Harry’s shoulder in comfort. The memory of Snapes gentle voice telling him to be calm and that he was okay, cast a doubt on Harry’s earlier suspicion. 

‘Mr Potter, how are we feeling?’ The mediwitch bustled over seeing Harry awake and sitting in his bed. 

‘I’m fine’ Harry mumbled, keeping his eyes down as he fiddled with a loose thread on the blanket covering him. A number of spells were cast over him, and obviously happy with whatever she had learnt from them, Madam Pomphrey gave a slight nod of her head and pulled a chair up next to the bed. 

‘Professor Snape informed me of what happened yesterday during your class. I agree with his diagnosis that the incident was in fact a panic attack. Now in the physical sense, you are perfectly healthy.’ She paused, giving Harry a chance to comment, but the boy kept his gaze down. 

‘Unfortunately, there is not cure-all potion I can offer you to help with this, but what I recommend is setting up a meeting between yourself and your head of house to discuss any issues you feel you are having.’ At this Harry looked up, she could see the fear in his eyes. 

‘That isn’t necessary, I’m okay, I just… freaked out for a minute’, he finished lamely. 

‘It is, of course possible that this was an isolated incident, however, that will be something you can discuss with Professor McGonagall, I’m sorry Harry but it must be done. Now, if you are feeling up to it you may attend the rest of todays classes, but of course you are welcome to rest here for as long as you need.’ With that Madam Pomphrey stood and returned to her office. 

Harry, wanting to put this whole ordeal behind him, headed up to Gryffindor tower. Thankfully he didn’t encounter anyone in the corridors or on the stairs, looking at his watch he saw that there was still a good thirty minutes before the current class ended and everyone headed to lunch. Plenty of time for him to shower and meet his friends. 

Feeling more like himself, Harry made his way to the Great Hall where he saw his friends eating lunch at the end of the Gryffindor table. Striding towards them, Harry faltered a moment, unsure how to proceed, the embarrassment of the previous days incident still held firm in the forefront of his mind. These fears were quickly forgotten when his friends looked over to him, smiled and waved him over. 

‘Hey Harry, how’re ya feeling mate?’ Ron asked as Harry approached the table.

‘Yeah, I’m fine’ Harry convinced. Hermione looked between the two boys, she didn’t know what had happened during potions, only that Harry had been sent to the infirmary and that he would be alright. When she had pressed Ron for details he had been frustratingly vague, clearly trying to respect Harry’s privacy, which honestly only made her all the more curious. 

‘Are you ill?’ She pried, trying to sound casual.

‘Oh, um, No … I’m not ill.’ Harry wasn’t sure exactly how to answer.

‘Does it have something to do with what happened in Defence?’ The girl continued. 

‘He said, he was fine Hermione, leave the poor guy alone.’ Hermione looked far from satisfied with the information she had gained but she took Ron’s cue and dropped the subject. Harry gave an appreciative smile to Ron who returned it kindly. 

Even though he hadn’t eaten for over 24 hours now, Harry didn’t have much appetite, and the appetite he did have vanished after a quick glance at the head table showed him both Snape and McGonagall blatantly looking at him while in discussion. Finishing up lunch the friends headed out of the Great Hall and to their divination lesson to finish off the day. Hermione, running ahead to discuss her Ancient Runes class with a group of Ravenclaw students left Ron and Harry to themselves. 

‘Hey, so, are you alright?’ Ron asked somewhat awkwardly. 

‘Yeah … you already asked me that, you know.’

‘I just wanted to make sure. You know, it’s okay if you want to talk about it, or talk about anything really. I’m here.’

‘Thanks Ron, and same to you, obviously.’

‘You know, Percy started having panic attacks a few summers back. Worried the hair off mum and dad, but he always felt a lot better after talking.’ While this was somewhat comforting to hear, it still all felt a bit fresh for Harry to talk about. The boys continued climbing the Astronomy tower in silence when a thought occurred to Harry.

‘What did Snape tell the class? Does everyone know … what happened?’

‘Oh, well, he didn’t really tell them anything. I guess some people were wondering why they were dismissed early and where you were, but to be honest mate, not that many people even noticed you were gone. I told Hermione you were in the hospital wing, but that you would be okay, and I heard a weak rumour that you had a run in with the suit of armour near the dungeon stairwell but no one is even talking about that now you’re back.’

‘Right, okay, good. Thanks.’

___________________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_______________________________

Harry soon began to regret not eating anything at lunch. The sickly-sweet smell of the incense filling the overly warm divination classroom combined with the lack of food was making the room spin slightly and his stomach roll. Harry tried to concentrate on the crystal ball before him, shifting slightly on the cushions in an attempt to find some solid ground. Staring at the nothingness before him, the unmistakable feeling of nausea gained his entire attention. Ron noticed the sweat forming on his friends brow and the complete lack of colour in his face and he was struck with the memory of Harry on the bathroom floor only a day prior. 

‘Harry, what’s wrong?’

‘I don’t feel so good.’ Harry wrapped an arm around his abdomen, brows furrowed. 

‘Like yesterday?’ Ron asked, serious, yet calm. 

‘No, not like that. I just feel like I might be sick, I think it’s just because I haven’t eaten.’

‘Do you want me to get Professor Trelawney?’

‘No, it’s fine, it’ll pass.’ Ron didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t call for their teacher either. 

Harry was sure that was the longest class of his life, he could have sworn he saw the clock move backwards at one point. He was also wrong, the feeling didn’t pass, in fact it continued to rise to the point that he now felt throwing up was inevitable. Harry wasn’t sure what he could possibly throw up when he hadn’t eaten anything, but he was sure that there was no way he could eat while feeling so sick. 

He returned to the Gryffindor common room with his friends after class, he then excused himself to go lie down, which predictably earned him concerned looks from both Ron and Hermione. Once in the privacy of his four posted bed, he let his face fall into grimace and he doubled over on his side, still fully dressed. Focussing on his breathing Harry drifted off into a light sleep, the only way he knew he had not remained conscious was because he had believed it to have only been a few minutes when Ron came looking for him the dormitory. 

‘Hey Harry, we are heading down to dinner, are you joining us?’

‘No thanks’ Harry called from behind the drawn curtains of his bed. 

‘Maybe you should visit Madam Pomphrey?’

‘I’m fine Ron, I just need to sleep.’ Snapped Harry, before adding in a kinder tone ‘If I don’t feel better soon, I’ll go see her.’

‘Okay, I’ll bring you some food back.’ Ron called through the divide before heading back downstairs. 

Now, well and truly returned to the land of the living, Harry couldn’t deny that he was feeling considerably worse than earlier. His stomach felt like it was in his throat and he thought that the room behind these curtains may have been moving. Fearing that it may be too late for anything else, Harry swung his legs off the side of the bed, pulled back the privacy curtains and stood, gripping the bed post for stability, he then made his way to the boys bathroom. As Harry knelt before the loo, he couldn’t help but feel grateful at the pristine condition of the bathroom, those house elves sure did a good job of keeping the castle beautiful. He waited, and waited, not game enough to try and speed this process along. Although he hadn’t been moving Harry could feel the sweat running down his face and soaking his shirt, before long he felt his mouth water and his whole body convulsed as he heaved over the toilet to no avail. Again, and again his muscles contracted, and he brought forth nothing more than water. This wasn’t a surprise; he hadn’t consumed anything to now expel. What was a surprise was the complete lack of control he felt over his body, he could do nothing to stop the dry heaving. This continued for a lengthy amount of time, leaving the poor boy exhausted, weak and shaking on the bathroom floor. Harry knew that he needed to get to Madam Pomphrey and when he felt able he climbed to his feet, wiping away the sweat and tears that were streaming down his face.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Limbs trembling and hands gripping the nearest banister for support, Harry finally made it to the hospital wing, he pushed open the doors and walked into the large room. Two of the beds down the back of the room were occupied and Madam Pomphrey stood outside her office speaking to someone, unseen from where Harry stood. Madam Pomphrey’s attention turned straight onto Harry as he stumbled through the doors, his face drawn and awfully pale. She bustled over to the boy and directed him to sit on the closest bed, afraid he may just fall where he stood. 

‘Harry, what’s wrong dear?’ she asked as she waved her wand casting some routine diagnostic spells

‘It’s my stomach’ Harry moaned, trying to take slow deep breaths to quell the nausea that was rising once again.

‘Hmm, you are severely dehydrated, no obvious ailment. Perhaps it was a mistake to allow you to return to classes today’ the witch muttered, more to herself than for Harry’s benefit. ‘Can you be more specific? What exactly are you feeling?’

Harry took a deep breath and closed his eyes before answering, ‘I feel … dizzy and I couldn’t stop vomiting, except I wasn’t really vomiting because I hadn’t eaten but it still feels terrible and I’m just so … tired’, these final words felt like a confession. It was as if he hadn’t even realised how deeply tired he was until he said them, the sort of tired that he knew sleep could not help. He looked up to Madam Pomphrey, sure he looked as pathetic as he felt, but at that point not even caring. 

‘Okay, when is the last time you ate?’

‘Ah, a little at lunch yesterday.’

‘Here is what we are going to do, I’m going to get you a potion to calm your stomach, then in a while you can eat some dinner.’ She continued sensing Harry’s opposition. ‘Then, I think it would be best for you to stay here for the night, where you can get some proper rest.’ With that the mediwitch headed for her office and the adjoining stock room to collect the necessary potion. 

Harry remained sitting on the side of the bed, an arm wrapped around his stomach, staring at the door to the hospital wing. He heard familiar voices and turned slightly to see Professor Snape exit the office and make his way out of the hospital wing. Harry kept his head down, keen to avoid the professors gaze, in doing so he did not see the concern look his teacher afforded him as he swept by. Shortly following, Madam Pomphrey returned to Harry, potion in hand. 

‘Here, take this, one gulp, go on.’ She handed harry a deep green potion, that looked concerningly thick as it was sloshed in the vial. Seeing the green tinge creep onto Harry’s face she continued ‘trust me, it will help.’ Hesitantly Harry reached out and took the vial. Taking a few quick breaths to hype himself up for it, he downed it in one. He gagged, turning away from Madam Pomphrey and gripping the bed sheets, tears springing to his eyes. Thankfully the potion stayed down, and the effect was almost immediate. 

‘Lie back Harry, try and relax, we will give the potion some time to reach full effect before trying some food.’

Harry slipped his shoes off and pulled his legs up onto the bed and to his chest as he remained sitting against the bed frame. Madam Pomphrey assessed the boy, he looked so young. The students never looked more like children than when they were ill. Against her better judgment she reached out a hand and swept aside the hair plastered to Harry’s forehead, she rested her cool hand against his head as a means of comfort but under the guise of checking for a fever she knew he didn’t have. The poor boy looked miserable. 

‘It seems when it rains, its pours Mr Potter.’ She smiled, and received one in return, even if it was a little forced. 

_________________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_________________________________

After showing he could keep down a glass of water, Harry was provided with some dinner. He hungrily devoured the soup and roll he had been provided along with a few more glasses of water. After his meal he felt much better, the dizziness was gone, the potion had calmed his stomach and his spirit was lifted. Madam Pomphrey had conjured Harry’s night clothes and upon her recommendation Harry got himself settled for yet another night in the hospital wing. A dose of dreamless sleep helped Harry fall into a sleep deeper than he had for a long time. 

_________________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_________________________________

Stirred from sleep by the faint feeling of magic washing over him, Harry opened his eyes to see Madam Pomphrey waving her wand over him.

‘Good morning Harry, how are we feeling this morning?’

Harry pushed himself into a sitting position and reached for his glasses. ‘I feel good actually, much better than yesterday.’ 

‘Wonderful, once again everything looks to be good. I see no reason why you can’t attend your classes today, but I’ll defer to you for the final decision.’

‘I can go to class.’ Harry replied quickly, he was feeling a bit desperate for things to return to normal after the last two days. 

‘Alright, come back if you start to feel unwell again, even if you just need a Pepper-Up potion during your break. As far as I can tell what befell you last night was the product of exhaustion combined with a lack of food and water, so please ensure you take it easy today and no skipping meals young man.’ 

Harry took this as his cue to leave. He reassured himself that he didn’t overreact last night and that was what the infirmary was for, yet he couldn’t help but fixate on the fact that physically nothing was wrong with him. Exhaustion, how could he be suffering from exhaustion when he had slept half the day and only attended one class, was he really that weak? Oh, sorry Mr Voldemort sir, could you come back another time, Harry is tired and skipped lunch, he couldn’t possibly save the wizarding world right now. Shocked by the tone his own thoughts had taken Harry focussed on getting back to Gryffindor tower before his friends headed to breakfast without him. 

_________________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_________________________________

The day progressed smoothly, with Harry easily filling in the blanks from the classes he had missed the previous day. He felt great compared to the last couple of days, perhaps a bit tired, but altogether he had no complaints. At the end of Transfiguration, he was called over to speak with Professor McGonagall, promising to catch up to his friends he made his way to his teachers’ desk at the front of the room. 

‘Pull up a chair Mr Potter.’ Harry did as he was told and took a seat opposite the slightly intimidating witch. He looked at her expectantly. 

‘I hear you have been quite unwell the past couple of days,’ his teacher prompted. 

‘Yes ma’am, I’m feeling much better now.’ Harry picked at a loose thread on his sleeve, desperate to avoid eye contact.

‘That is good to hear,’ she paused before continuing, ‘Professor Snape has informed me of what happened during his potions class.’ She studied the boy in front of her and when he didn’t respond, she proceeded, ‘I want you to know that here at Hogwarts you have a vast support network, there are countless people you can talk to about any issues you may be having. I will not make you discuss the incident with me if you do not want to, but I am required to report back to Madam Pomphrey on the situation.’ Still Harry kept his eyes down and remained silent. 

‘Harry…’ At the sound of his name, Harry looked up and met his Professors eyes. 

‘Thank you, I understand, but with all due respect Professor, I don’t feel it is something I need to talk about. I would honestly rather just forget about it.’ Harry returned his attention to his sleeve.

‘So, you feel this was an isolated incident?’

‘Yes ma’am.’ 

‘Very well. However, I must insist you seek the help of those you trust should you feel you need it.’

‘Yes, thank you. I will.’ Harry took the nod he received in return as a dismissal and made his way to meet back up with his friends. 

As Harry was crossing the entrance hall he was stopped by the unmistakable drawl of his potions Professor. ‘Mr Potter.’ Harry turned to see his teacher emerging from the dungeon stairs. Images from the past few days flashed across his mind and he was sure he failed to keep the blush from rising in his cheeks. 

‘Yes sir?’ Harry knew better than to try and avoid Snapes gaze, so he instead tried to steel himself for whatever was to come. Thoughts raced through his head, was Snape going to punish him for the scene he made, or was he going to settle for simply ridiculing him. 

‘I have assigned an essay comparing the use of Arrow Root and Wilga Root in healing potions, two parchment lengths. Your recent absences have not excused you from this assignment, however you may have until our class on Monday to submit this. Is this clear?’

Harry stared at his teacher, everything Snape had said made perfect sense and yet Harry was still surprised, it was not what he was expecting to hear, and an extension on the essay as well. He had never known Snape to be so … accommodating. 

‘Surely I do not need to repeat myself Potter.’ Snape snapped at Harry’s clearly confused state.

‘No sir, I understand.’ He rushed, ‘thank you’ he then added lamely. 

Looking less than impressed Snape turned and made to leave when Harry called, ‘Professor Snape’. The potions master turned back to the boy, a hint of curiosity, hidden under his air of impatience.

‘Yes?’

‘I, uh… I just wanted to say I’m sorry… about the other day… in class’ Harry stumbled over his words, his voice shaking slightly, much to his own disgust. Harry thought he was probably more surprised than anyone at the apology that had somehow escaped him, seemingly without much conscious thought. 

Snape appraised the boy momentarily. ‘You have nothing to apologise for.’ With that he turned and left a somewhat dumbfounded Harry Potter alone in the Entrance Hall. 

The words were stuck on repeat in Harry’s mind. They were not said with kindness, but rather stated as a fact, as if it were something as obvious as the colour of the sky. Harry had expected to be filled with regret after hearing himself willingly apologise to Snape, however he was instead left confused and perhaps slightly comforted.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

As the weekend rolled around, Harry felt as though the week was already a distant memory. He awoke late on Sunday morning in a great mood. The tightness in his chest that had felt to become permanent during the last week was gone, he felt free and light and grounded all at the same time. He lay there in his bed, his pillow feeling like a cloud beneath his head and his blankets forming a beautifully warm cocoon around his relaxed body. In that moment Harry couldn’t stop a smile from spreading wide across his face, as he thought about the breakfast that was waiting in the Great Hall and his friends who he would spend all day with messing around and having fun. With some help from Hermione regarding anything he may have missed in class, Harry had written, edited and finished his potions essay, leaving the final day of the weekend completely free. The past week Harry had felt so far from himself, hopeless in a way that seemed silly now that he was feeling like himself again. 

After a slow start, Harry descended into the common room to find both Ron and Hermione waiting for him. 

‘Good Morning.’ Hermione greeted with a smile.

‘Good Morning,’ Harry returned enthusiastically.

‘Come on, I’m starving’ whined Ron as he headed toward the portrait hole. 

On their way down to breakfast they got stuck on three moving staircases and found themselves doubling back and getting turned around, when they got themselves back on track only to be led back up a floor by the third set of moving stairs, Harry and Hermione were in fits of laughter. 

‘It’s not funny, why does this stupid school have to make everything so bloody difficult?’

‘Oh, come on Ron, it’s not that bad. At least we aren’t on our way to somewhere important,’ consoled Harry.

‘Excuse you, not on our way to somewhere important?!? What could possible be more important than this?’

‘Ron’s right Harry, they do say breakfast is the most important meal of the day.’ Hermione said raising her eyebrows and shaking her finger at Harry, like one would tell off a child. This set off a new wave of laughter between the two. 

The giggling was far from over as when they got to breakfast the older Weasley twins were there equipped with their newest innovation. Harry was half-way through his breakfast when he noticed George slip something into Ron’s pumpkin juice. Busy devouring his sausages Ron didn’t notice a thing. A few minutes later after taking a few good long sips of his drink Ron looked up to see both Fred, George and Harry staring at him intensely. 

‘What?’ Ron’s voice came out shrill and extremely high pitched, Harry would have likened it to someone inhaling helium at a child’s birthday party. The three other boys broke out in hysterics as Ron grabbed at his throat. 

‘What did you do? What is this?’ He squeaked.

No one could respond through their laughter, by this point Ron had also attracted the attention of the surrounding students and not many were trying to hide their immense amusement. 

‘Fred! George! I’m gonna kill you!’ These threats left Harry doubled over laughing tills tears sprung to his eyes. Even Hermione was red in the face from laughing.

‘Oh, relax Ron, it will wear off soon.’ George promised. 

‘Probably’ added Fred.

From the teachers table, keen eyes were watching the commotion. 

‘They’re fine Severus, let them have their fun.’ McGonagall commented from his side. 

‘I didn’t say a word.’ Severus continued to look at the Gryffindor table, more specifically at the boy wiping away tears of laughter. Harry seemed relaxed, he seemed happy, very different to the boy from last week. Severus had to remind himself that this was a good thing. 

_________________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_________________________________

By the first class on Monday, the tightness had returned to Harry’s chest. He ignored it the best he could, plastering an enthusiastic smile on his face, and focusing on the people around him. He told himself it was just his imagination, just the fear of having a repeat of the week before and that he was in fact feeling fine. 

As Professor McGonagall finished her lecture on the dangers of consuming transfigured food, the students were left to work silently. Harry felt that the silence of the room was pressing in around him, it was the loudest sort of quiet he had ever known. He felt his chest clench and his breath catch as tears sprung to his eyes. Harry kept his head down and tried to gain control of the situation, taking deep breaths, and concentrating on his parchment, anything to prevent the tears from spilling out of his eyes. His mind was racing as he wondered why on earth he was on the verge of crying, he didn’t even know what was upsetting him, he didn’t even realise he was upset. Harry thought back to the night before, he knew this sort of thing might happen to someone in a state of sleep deprivation, but he had slept well. Focusing on the fact that he was almost crying in class only served to escalate the issue and he felt tears begin to run down his cheeks. Hastily removing his glasses and wiping his eyes, Harry chanced a glance up. The rest of the class was thankfully fully immersed in their own work, and McGonagall was occupied with the stack of papers on her desk. 

With his head back down and his hands planted firmly on his desk Harry began breathing slowly, and soon calmed himself. He began thinking about all the great things he had in his life at Hogwarts, his friends, Quidditch, magic but these thoughts just brought along a resurgence of sadness. He found that focusing all his attention on the work in front of him was the best course of action. 

As soon as class let out, Harry gathered his things quickly and left his friends with a muttered excuse of needing the loo. He walked past three different lavatories, just winding through the corridors unable to stop tears with no discernible origin from falling. The castle was quiet with most students already at their next class, and if anyone noticed the state he was in they didn’t say anything. Harry knew he should be waiting outside his Defence classroom now, but he instead found himself climbing the stairs up to the dormitory. He received some bewildered looks from the portraits but didn’t encounter anyone on his way. Before he knew it, he was in the empty Gryffindor common room. Harry sat on the edge of one of the armchairs placed near the fire and momentarily let himself give in to the sadness, letting racking sobs course through him. After the release he caught his breath and started listing the best things in his life: Ron, Hermione, Hedwig, Hagrid, Mrs and Mr Weasley, Fred and George, Ginny… he stopped. That wasn’t helping. Harry couldn’t take stock of his emotions and instead tried to tell himself to get a grip. Once he gained a semblance of control, he rose and made his way to the defence classroom. He knew class had already started so didn’t hesitate to take a detour to a nearby bathroom to try and clean himself up. Some cold water on his face went a fair way in providing him some clarity and composure and he was able to walk into the classroom with his head up. 

As he entered the classroom, all eyes turned to him, he didn’t shy away, instead making eye contact with his teacher. 

‘Sorry I’m late Professor.’

‘Take a seat, we’re on page 158.’ Lupin said with a nod to Harry’s place next to Hermione. 

Harry thanked Merlin that Professor Lupin had enough respect for his students to not call them out in front of the class. Harry took his seat ignoring the questioning look from Hermione. He could not, however, ignore the jab in his back from Ron who was leaning forward from the seat behind him. He turned in his seat and Ron gave him two questioning thumbs up while mouthing the words ‘you good?’ Harry nodded in the affirmative before turning back around. 

Before the end of the lesson Lupin had everyone pair up again to continue practicing their disarming skills. As everyone got to their feet and the desks were cleared to make room the teacher approached Harry and Hermione. 

‘Hermione, could I ask you work with Lavender for a moment?’

‘Yes sir.’ Hermione strode over to where the other girls were practising leaving Harry with Lupin. 

‘Harry, you’re not one to normally arrive late to class. Is everything okay?’

Embarrassment filled Harry; with that question he knew that his professor was aware of Harry’s meltdown last week. 

‘Yes sir, I’m sorry I just forgot one of my books in the dormitory.’ Harry wondered when lying had started coming so naturally. Lupin gave him an appraising look, apparently convinced by what he saw he dropped the matter.

‘Okay, lets see how you are getting on with the spell.’ Lupin backed a few feet away from Harry and raised his wand expectantly. 

‘Oh, okay.’ Harry replied awkwardly before raising his own wand. With a swift flick of his wrist he aimed the spell at his teacher but the mans wand stayed in his firm grasp. 

‘Try again.’ Instructed his teacher. Once again Harry cast the spell, and once again nothing happened. 

‘Your form looks fine Harry, so it must be the intent. We must remember that we are the source of our magic, our wands give us the means to harness it. You have to mean it, try it again.’

Harry focused his energy and directed it into the spell. To his dismay it was once again ineffective. Even Lupin looked perplexed, it wasn’t like his star student to have such trouble with a new skill. He approached the boy, reaching out a hand to rest on his shoulder. 

‘Harry, perhaps we should take some time tomorrow evening to work on this in private. This is not a punishment but an opportunity for some guidance, it is completely voluntary.’

‘Uh, sure. Yeah that would be good.’ Harry lied; he couldn’t think of anything worse to be honest. He was such a hopeless wizard that even in his best class he needed private tutoring just to keep up. 

Feeling defeated Harry followed his friends to lunch, very much not looking forward to what the rest of the day held. 

_________________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_________________________________

He had made it to the final class of the day, Potions. While his chest felt constricted and his gut felt as if it were filled with lead, Harry felt somewhat relieved that he had an excuse not to smile. No one smiled in Potions. Harry handed in his paper as he entered the classroom and headed to his usual workstation. 

Ron and Harry had managed to avoid Snapes wrath for most of the class and were able to produce a potion that looked like it was meant to. After they had cleared and cleaned their place Harry collected the potion in vial and began walking to the front of the room to submit it to the potion’s professor. Apparently bored by the lack of abuse the Gryffindor students had been receiving this class one Mr Draco Malfoy decided to every so subtly stick out his foot as Harry walked by, causing the boy to stumble and face plant straight into the stone floor of the dungeon. Harry caught the brunt of the fall on his face as he desperately used his arms to shelter his potion and stop it from smashing and spoiling on the ground. Laughter erupted from the Slytherin students. Harry felt his blood boil and tears spring to his eyes. This did not go unnoticed.

‘Oh, are you going to have a cry Potter?’ taunted Draco, more laughter followed. 

‘Silence.’ The cold voice of the potions master cut through the noise and the class obeyed. ‘What is going on here?’ he drawled, taking in the scene before him. Potter on the ground, blood over his face, a potential broken nose. The smug satisfied look on Malfoys face. He didn’t wait for a response. ’20 points from Slytherin and detention this evening Mr Malfoy. Potter go to the infirmary and have that nose fixed. Oh, and do try to pay more attention to where you are walking.’ Draco looked affronted by the punishment but remained silent and sullen. Harry rose and stormed out of the classroom leaving his potion on Snapes desk. Severus could have fixed the nose with a simple wave of his wand but knew it would be far more beneficial for the boy to leave the room and cool off. Snape knew it was best not to let a cauldron boil over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this seems like a weird point to finish the chapter, but alas, I did it anyway.   
> More suffering for Harry to come.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Harry felt the tears of frustration fall as he stalked out of the dungeons, he raised a hand to wipe his face, underestimating the amount of blood. He groaned as he realised all he had accomplished was getting blood over his hand and smearing it across his face. The anger dissipated into despair and Harry found himself feeling as despondent as he had earlier. His broken nose became the least of his worries as he wondered if this feeling would last forever, he found it had to believe there was a time that he did not feel this way. Wiping his eyes with his clean hand he entered the hospital wing. Not seeing anyone as he walked in, he headed towards the office. 

‘Ah, excuse me,’ he called as he approached. Madam Pomphrey appeared, sticking her head out of he office door.

‘Oh, Mr Potter, what has happened?’

‘I fell.’ It was the truth after all.

‘Okay, take a seat for me.’ She motioned to the chairs lining the wall next to the office, Harry obeyed. The witch then cast a simple spell, snapping his nose back into place. Harry flinched at the sudden yet fleeting pain. Another flourish of her wand and Harry felt the blood, much of which had dried onto his skin vanish. 

‘Thank you.’ Harry stood, giving the witch a forced smile. 

‘You’ll be okay.’ Madam Pomphrey gave Harry a warm smile, and he suspected she wasn’t referring to his nose. 

With classes over for the day Harry knew Ron and Hermione would be up in the Gryffindor common room, he didn’t really want to face their questions yet, so he decided to head out into the grounds. Harry started the trek down to Hagrid’s hut, not quite trusting himself to be alone. He approached his friend as the half giant was leaving his hut.

‘Oh hiya Harry, I’m awfully sorry but I gotta feed the flubberworms jus’ now.’ Hagrid apologised carrying a big bucket of something Harry didn’t want to look at too closely. 

‘Do you mind if I watch?’ 

The question surprised Hagrid, most people didn’t want to get within a mile of flobberworms. He shrugged, ‘sure, if yer please.’   
Harry followed Hagrid to the set up he had for the creatures and listened as Hagrid told him all about the beasts he was seeing in the forbidden forest and the characters he was meeting on his trips to the Leaky Cauldron. Harry found it easy to sit and listen to Hagrid and watch him work, it didn’t feel like much time had past when Hagrid warned him about returning to the castle. 

‘Yer better head back before it gets dark, id’ll be time fer dinner anyways.’ 

Harry looked up to the castle and saw lights beginning to shine from the countless windows. He bid Hagrid farewell and began the hike back to the castle entrance. As he was nearing the castle Harry got the intense feeling of being watched. He turned and saw black cloaked figures flying about the perimeter of the school, with renewed motivation Harry hurried the rest of the way into the entrance hall. 

_________________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_________________________________

Sitting with his friends at dinner the Great Hall was a buzz of chatter about the hooded creatures. Dementors Harry had heard someone call them. 

‘I guess Fudge didn’t have everything as under control as he thought he did.’ Mused Hermione. 

‘Dumbledore must think the threat is real if he is letting Dementors roam the school.’ Ron added. 

‘They aren’t roaming the school Ron. I heard that Dumbledore has not permitted them to pass the school perimeter.’ Hermione stated as a matter-of-fact. 

‘Either way they are creepy. What would the Azkaban escapees want at a school anyway?’

‘I’m sure they don’t want anything; the ministry is probably just trying to cover all their bases.’ 

Harry watched the exchange between his friends. He didn’t know much about the Dementors other than he certainly wasn’t fond of them and didn’t wish to encounter one any closer than he had. He pushed his food around his plate, he had no desire to eat anything. Thinking back to what had happened last week from a lack of food, he forced himself to take a few bites of a roll. Just enough to get him through till breakfast. 

‘Your nose looks better Harry,’ Hemione commented. 

‘Oh yeah, its right as rain, only took a second to fix it.’

‘I don’t know why Snape couldn’t just do it himself, he is medically trained isn’t he?’

‘Who cares! It was probably for the best, the git would probably set it crooked, just for a laugh.’ Ron answered, making his friends smile. 

‘Oh, he’s not that bad.’ Harry assured.

‘Gee Harry, how hard did you hit your head when you fell?!?’ Ron looked dumbfounded. 

‘Obviously harder than I thought’ Harry laughed, the tension around his heart loosening slightly. He continued, changing the subject, ‘I have to meet Lupin tomorrow night to work on disarming.’

‘Strange, it’s not like you to struggle in that class,’ pondered Hermione.

‘Yeah, come on Harry, how are you going to save the world if you can’t even disarm someone?’ Ron teased. Harry let out a breathy huff that passed as a laugh. It was all he could do as his heart turned to ice and his stomach turned to lead. Ron had spoken aloud the fear that Harry had not yet allowed to fully form in his mind. Dread settled in his bones. The escaped death eaters, the rumors of Voldemort’s return, the Dementors surrounding the school, his inability to cast a simple defensive spell and the expectation that he was to be the savior of the wizarding world, no wonder Harry couldn’t breathe. 

The rest of the evening passed in a blur for Harry, he had the faint recollection of contributing to the decision to return to the common room and work on homework. He sat with his friends in front of the fire and stared, unseeing, at his textbook for what must have been a few hours. As soon as Hermione excused herself to go bed Harry followed suit, prompting Ron to do the same. 

As he lay in his bed, Harry tried not to fixate on the panic he felt at the current situation in the wizarding world and his deep feeling of inadequacy as a wizard. He thought about the alternative, no magic, just his life with the Dursleys, this thought stabbed through his heart and he sat bolt upright in his bed. Harry rubbed his eyes and ran his hands through his hair, he had the nagging desire to just not exist. This frightened him and he tried to organise his racing mind, he clarified to himself that he did not want to die, he just sort of wished that he had never been born to begin with. He laid back down on his bed and clenched his eyes closed, his logic reminded him that he hadn’t always felt like this, but logic and reason did nothing to soothe his psyche. 

_________________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_________________________________

Harry must have fallen asleep at some point because he was now waking up to a new day. Things seemed better in the light of day, not great but better. Harry made it through the first half of the day without incident. He got out of bed, showered, sat in his classes, even paid attention and he was counting these as great successes after the night before. Now sitting at lunch with his friends, the emotional exhaustion was setting in. Even though there were still a few hours before his meeting with Professor Lupin, Harry was already stressing about it. Not only did he respect Professor Lupin, but he also very much liked him, he was a great a teacher and not somebody Harry wanted to disappoint. The nerves were wreaking havoc with his stomach and the last thing he wanted to do was eat lunch. 

‘Come on Harry, you must be starving, you ate nothing but some crumbs at breakfast’ Ron’s tone was playful, but his face showed genuine concern. 

‘Ah, yeah pretty hungry.’ Harry lied as he picked up a nearby sandwich, he must not have been very convincing because his response attracted the attention of Neville, sitting opposite them. 

‘You alright Harry? You look a bit peaky,’ the boy asked between mouthfuls. 

‘Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired, I didn’t sleep much last night with all Ron’s snoring.’

‘Hey, I don’t snore!’ Ron pronounced indignantly. Harry just gave him a teasing smile. 

_________________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_________________________________

Last class of the day was divination and sitting before the low covered tables Harry found himself in a very familiar state. It started as an ache low in his gut but had morphed into something different. He felt his stomach rolling and rebelling and was quite sure he could be sick. He feebly attempted to keep track of Professor Trelawney’s ramblings while reassuring himself that he was fine. Madam Pomphrey’s words rang clear in his mind, there was nothing wrong with him, he was not sick, it was just his imagination. 

It was not long until the end of class, Harry rose to return to his crystal ball to the case against the side wall of the room. He placed the ball away but halted before turning back to return to his seat, he took a deep breath but felt his stomach lurch, he swallowed instinctively as he was sick in his mouth and leant against the wall for support as he regulated his breathing. Face pale and sweat forming on his brow he made to return to his seat. 

‘Are you alright dear?’ came the mystical voice of his professor. 

‘Yes ma’am, it’s just a bit hot in here.’ 

‘Ah, yes, I find it helps promote the Vision.’ She gestured wildly with her hands and Harry crossed the room and sat back down, hoping they would be dismissed soon.

Harry’s prayers were answered when within a few minutes class was deemed to be over. Without hesitation Harry swept out of the room, ignoring the calls from his friends.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

With his stomach still churning and sweat forming on his skin, Harry made his way to Professor Lupin’s office. He paced the corridor outside the door, knowing he was too early, but unable to stay still. Harry lifted his eyes from the floor as he saw his professor poke his head out of his office door as he once again approached it. 

‘Harry, come on in.’ The man greeted him warmly, not noticing any strangeness in the boy’s behaviour. Entering the office, Harry took the seat that was offered to him across the desk from Lupin. Harry fiddled with the thread on his sleeve cuffs and began bobbing his legs ever so slightly, he looked at the man expectantly. They sat there for a moment, Lupin watching the boy, Harry did not falter under his gaze but he also did not speak.

‘You can relax Harry, you aren’t in trouble, this isn’t a detention remember.’ An amused smile graced the professors face. Harry became aware of the constant movement of his legs and hands and forced himself into stillness, it felt wrong, he needed to move but he resisted. The smile faded from Lupin’s face when it was not returned by the boy. ‘Is everything okay Harry?’

Harry nodded with a tight lipped smile but didn’t speak. His breath quickened and it felt as though a balloon was inflating in his chest, he wondered how big it would get and what would happen when it burst. 

‘Harry?’ Concern filled the man’s face. He knew he had to get a grip. ‘Yeah, everything is fine Professor.’ he smiled in a way he hoped looked genuine. ‘Are we going to work here or?’

‘No, let’s go into the classroom, I think the more space the better for this.’ He got up and walked to the door, opening it and gesturing for Harry to lead the way. 

Once in the classroom they positioned themselves about 10 feet apart, wands drawn. Harry closed his eyes and focussed his energy, he visualized the balloon in his chest and with each breath out he released some of the air, bringing it down to a manageable size. He opened his eyes and looked across at Lupin, his teacher gave him a reassuring nod. With a quick flourish of his wand, and a surge of energy he cast the disarming spell. Harry watched as the wand was torn away from Lupin’s grasp, spinning quickly in the air and landing somewhere behind the man. A sharp breath forced its way from Harry’s chest and he hung his head forward. 

‘Good Harry’ his teacher praised him, walking to retrieve his wand.

Tears burned hot in Harry’s eyes, he blinked them quickly away and took some steadying breaths. His eyes met the kind smile ahead of him. ‘Go on, do it again.’

Again Harry focussed his energy into the spell and again the wand was ripped from his professors hand. It felt somewhat effortless and Harry didn’t understand why he was unable to perform it earlier. The two continued to practise for a short time, Harry disarming his teacher with ease. Lupin, somewhat concerned by the lack of response to the success, called an end to the session. 

‘I think you’re fine with this skill, looks like all it took was a nice quiet environment, that’s not unusual. That didn’t take as long as I thought, perhaps we could head back to the office and have some tea?’ 

The forced casualness of the statement wasn’t lost on Harry, but he wasn;t interested in humouring it. ‘Thanks but I’m actually pretty tired, I think I’ll just head to bed.’ His tone was flat, and he didn’t notice the surprised look Lupin gave his watch.

‘Of course, great work tonight Harry, you should be very proud’

‘Thanks for taking the time Professor.’ With that, Harry walked out of the classroom and into the empty corridor beyond. 

Harry had thought that once he was able to cast that charm, he would feel better, that it was the cause of all his problems, but nothing had changed. He didn’t feel any better having nearly mastered the skill in a single session and he couldn’t understand why. Professor Lupin was kind and all he wanted was to help him, so why did he feel such anger towards him. He had wanted nothing more than to get out of that classroom and away from the man. Perhaps it was knowing that he was just another person Harry was inevitably going to disappoint. He could feel the balloon growing again, it was taking up all the room, his lungs, his heart, they were surely being crushed in his chest. 

Harry didn’t even know where he was headed any more, he couldn’t breathe, he needed to get out of the castle. Down in the entrance of the castle students were filing out of the dining hall, it must have been earlier than Harry had realised. He walked to the doors but then the thought of the dementors rushed into his mind and he turned back around, confused, the balloon growing ever bigger, the castle growing ever smaller. His head whipped from side to side, looking for an escape. A few students casting glances his way. 

‘Lost are we Mr Potter?’ The cold taunting tone of the Potions master cut through the hall. Snape swept closer to the boy, his erratic behaviour gaining attention. The boy looked up at the sound of his name and Snape faltered imperceptibly, his eyes were unfocussed skin pale, breathing laboured. 

‘Come.’ His voice was firm, and Harry unquestioningly allowed himself to be led down into the dungeons and into Snape’s office. Once in the office the man busied himself in finding something on one of the many shelves lining the office walls. Harry stood in the middle of the room stuttering, ‘I- I- ah, I-’. 

‘Sit Potter,’ Snape demanded exasperatedly. The boy did as he was told, sitting on the same couch he had been on only a week earlier, in eerily similar circumstances. Snape approached the boy, holding what looked to be a dried up root of some kind. ‘Chew on this.’ Harry once again obeyed. The lack of hesitation told Severus a lot about the state of mind the boy was currently in. As the man brewed some tea he cast gances to observe the boy, he drew the simple task out until he looked over and saw Harry sitting on the edge of the couch, head down, eyes closed, chewing mindlessly on the root, all other movement halted. Conjuring a table and an armchair Severus placed a cup of tea before Harry and took a seat in the armchair across from the boy with a cup of his own. Slowly Harry raised his head and looked pleadingly at the man, Snape looked away. ‘Drink your tea.’ his voice was soft, he figured Harry probably wouldn't notice, so it didn’t really matter. He could feel the headache forming and took a long sip of his own tea. Harry brought the cup to his mouth and pulled away, staring questioningly at the liquid inside. ‘It’s herbal.’ At that Harry drank. 

They sat in silence. Harry’s breathing evened out, he relaxed back into the couch. 

Harry felt the balloon deflate. He felt the pressure ease and his lungs fill. It was surreal, here he was sitting in Snape’s office, opposite the man, the two of them drinking tea. The weirdest part, he didn’t really want to be anywhere else in the world. Perhaps it was because Snape already thought he was weak and good for nothing, or maybe it was the fact that he knew Snape would never lie to him to save his feelings. Harry didn’t know why but he knew that he was very thankful that Professor Snape had once again been the one coming to his rescue. The silence was comfortable, both lost in their own thoughts. 

Harry stood, feeling better than he had in what felt like a long time. ‘Thank you.’ Snape didn’t move. Harry held the partially chewed root awkwardly. 

‘Hold on to it, it will relax you when needed, you can break off small pieces for discrete use.’ His voice was soft yet tired. He didn’t even look up as Harry nodded his thanks and left the office, clearly also very relaxed by the tea. 

Harry made his way straight up to Gryffindor Tower and into bed. He fell asleep quickly, his mind and body calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a shorter chapter, it felt like the right place though. 
> 
> Thank you so much for the comments, they fuel my motivation xx


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Severus ran his hands through his hair and let loose a sigh as he recounted the events of the previous night. He had never liked Potter, the striking resemblance he held to his father was hard to look past and his typical gryffindor-like defiance to authority didn’t help him win any favour. As much as Severus wanted to hold the actions of his parents against the boy, reason reminded him that the child had never even had the chance to know them. At the end of the day he was a teacher and Potter was a student, and he had a responsibility to educate, guide and protect those that called Hogwarts home. A thought from deeper within the man's consciousness forced its way into the forefront of his mind, Potter was not just a student, he was also an important piece in the larger puzzle that was the fight against the Dark Lord. Severus was surprised it had taken this long for the boy’s mental state to be affected by the role he played. The panic and desperation he had seen in those eyes, multiple times now, was all so familiar. If anyone could sympathise with how he was feeling it would be the long time double agent. Severus let out another deep sigh, it was too early to be so exhausted, yet as he tried to will his mind clear the memory of Potters lost and pleading face flashed before his eyes. He knew the boy must really be struggling to so willingly display such vulnerability to him, he knew the boy wasn’t fond of him and he definitely knew the boy didn’t trust him. Perhaps he was wrong, or perhaps Potter simply didn’t care anymore. Regardless, he knew it would have to be dealt with.

_______________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_____________________________

Harry was dragged out of a deep sleep by someone violently shaking his shoulder. ‘What!?’ he snapped vehemently , opening his eyes and looking up to see Ron standing over him.

‘Come on mate, we’re gonna run out of time to eat before class,’ Ron returned sharply, already dressed and ready to go for the day. 

‘Go without me.’ Harry rolled onto his side away from the other boy. Anger bubbled up in him at the rude awakening and his brow remained furrowed as he heard Ron storm from the room. Harry pulled his blankets up high over his head and let his eyes fall closed once again without a thought of breakfast or classes. 

_______________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_____________________________

Hermione looked up from the Daily Prophet as she heard Ron approaching the table for breakfast, he looked to be in quite the bad mood as he grumbled to himself and took a seat. ‘Where’s Harry?’

‘Who cares?’ Ron snapped, looking up at the surprised face of his friend he sighed and continued, ‘he is still upstairs, told me to come down without him … quite rudley mind you. Plus I was only trying to help, at this rate he will probably be late to class and hungry!’ 

‘I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it.’ Hermione consoled, already back to reading the newspaper. Ron just huffed and began digging into some food. 

After a few minutes left to his food and his thoughts, Ron’s mood had greatly improved. ‘Any news?’ he asked pleasantly, trying to make up for his earlier attitude. 

‘No, nothing overly noteworthy. Still no lead on the missing prisoners, people are starting to put the pressure on Fudge to deliver some decent updates … which he obviously can’t.’ 

‘Because he is a brainless git?’

‘Yeah, that’s one way to put it.’ Hermione laughed. 

_______________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_____________________________

As the Gryffindors milled about waiting to go into their first class of the day, Harry was still nowhere to be seen. The students filed into the classroom and took their seats as Professor McGonagall began the lesson. Hermione turned around in her seat as she cast an accusing eye on Ron, ‘what exactly happened this morning?’ she demanded. Ron just shrugged and gave Hermione a look that told her he was just as confused by Harry’s absence as she was. ‘Did he say anything?’ she pushed. 

‘Miss Granger, is there something you would like to share with the class?’ The stern tone of her teacher had Hermione swinging back around to face the front of the room. 

‘Sorry Professor,’ she replied blushing fiercely. With the rare scold from a respected teacher, Hermione became hyper focussed on the class, all concern for Harry pushed from her mind. Sitting behind the girl, Ron was fighting an internal battle. He knew that he should be offering Harry all his support, and helping with whatever he was going through, but he couldn’t help but feel exhausted by it. He had only ever tried to be a good friend, but Harry had rejected his help at every turn and Ron had his own life to worry about as well. He was sure he was failing Charms and was barely scraping by in Transfigurations, yet when Harry had trouble with one spell he was offered private tutoring with the teacher. Ron pulled his focus back to the class, feeling a tinge of guilt at the jealousy he obviously harboured. 

As class came to an end, Ron and Hermione were called back by Professor McGonagall. ‘Would either of you know why Mr Potter did not join us for class?’

‘No Professor.’ The two students shook their heads. The professor looked between the two of them suspiciously. 

‘He was really tired this morning, perhaps he is ill.’ Ron offered unconvincingly. A frown formed on McGonagall’s face, ‘hmm, he has not been logged at the infirmary,’ she muttered, more to herself than the students before her. 

‘We can go check on him’ Hermione suggested, she was beginning to become quite confused with the situation. 

‘No, no, you two get to class. Go on, off you go.’ Professor Mcgonagall waved them off. 

As the two exited the classroom, Hermione turned on Ron. ‘You have to tell me what’s going on! Where is Harry? What happened last week? Why do you two insist on keeping secrets?’

‘Alright, calm down, we aren’t keeping secrets. Harry has just been a bit unwell, that's all.’

‘Ron,’ Hermione warned.

‘I don’t know what you want me to say!’ Ron raised his arms, palms facing his friend. 

‘I’m your friend, I’m Harry’s friend, I care about you guys. I want to know what is going on with him, what happened in that potions class Ron?’

Ron sighed and began walking to their next class. Hermione followed alongside him as he began, ‘I don’t know… he just kinda freaked out.’ Ron said with a shrug. Hermione gave him a confused look.

‘Snape said it was a panic attack. When I was sent to see what was keeping him, I walked into the bathroom and there he was, just sitting there, he was so pale and he couldn’t breathe… it was pretty scary actually. I went and got Snape, and bloody hell Hermione, he was incredible. I know we don’t think much of him but I had no idea what to do and he just totally took control of the situation. He almost seemed caring for a minute there.’ Ron sighed again and ran a hand through his hair, it was quite a relief talking to someone about it. He hadn’t realised how much it had rattled him until he started to talk about it. Hermione didn’t speak for a while, clearly lost in thought as they arrived just as the other students were walking into the defence classroom. As they sat down she turned to Ron, ‘A panic attack huh?’ 

‘Yeah, apparently.’ 

‘I suppose that does actually explain a lot.’ 

‘Oh yeah, like what?’

‘Well, it could be why he was feeling ill in class and why he was having so much trouble with disarming, I’ve read that there is a well defined link between our magic and our mental state.’ 

‘It still doesn’t explain why he isn’t in class now though,’ Ron prompted. 

‘No, I suppose not. Do you know what caused the panic attack?’

‘I didn’t ask, but Percy had them at one point and they weren’t ever really caused by a specific event, they would just sort of happen.’ Ron shrugged as Professor Lupin started the class. 

_______________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_____________________________

Stuck teaching another class, Professor McGonagall set her students up with the task of transfiguring a feather into a cushion, before quickly retreating to her office to floo a message to Poppy. She stuck her head into the green flames and called out to Poppy. 

‘Minerva, how can I help? Is everything alright?’

‘I just wondered if you had spoken to Mr Potter today? As far as I am aware he has not attended any classes today.’ In her thick scottish accent her voice was firm yet clearly concerned. 

‘No, I have not seen him at all, shall I have someone check the dormitory?’ 

‘Yes, if you could. Please alert me immediately if he is not there.’

‘Of course Minerva.’ The two women broke the floo connection. Professor McGonagall returned to the class, thinking that the Potter boys would be the death of her. 

_______________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_____________________________

Poppy strode from her office with such purpose that she nearly jumped out of her skin at the sight of the Severus approaching with a small crate of freshly brewed potions. 

She walked further looking frantically around the room for the seventh year ravenclaw, Owen Kendall, who spent time assisting in the hospital wing, in his endeavour to become a healer. Poppy knew she could not leave the infirmary unattended, she would have to send him to call on Mr Potter for her… if only she knew where he was. 

‘Looking for something Poppy?’ Came the cool tone of the potions master. 

‘Owen, I need him to head up to Gryffindor tower, he is never here when I need him.’ She huffed. 

‘What’s in Gryffindor tower?’ Severus asked, his curiosity peaked. 

‘Mr Potter apparently. He has neglected his classes this morning.’ her tone was light, but her face was serious. Severus' heart dropped, he should have noticed the boy was absent from breakfast, he should have checked in on him first thing in the morning. He should have made him spend the night in the hospital wing last night, not just wander off back to his dormitory. The thoughts sped through his mind. 

‘I’ll go find him.’ He barely heard the medi-witches thanks as he swept from the room. 

Snape practically flew through the castle and up the stairs to gryffindor tower, students and ghosts alike, staying out of his path. He made his way through the portrait hole into the red and gold common room and up the stairs to the boys dormitories, only for the man to pause at the door. His heart was pounding so hard in his chest he could almost hear it, without thinking too much about what he might be walking into he pushed open the door and stepped into the room. His eyes fell on the sleeping form of Harry Potter. Severus let go of the breath he had been holding and he let his heart rate slow before making his way over to the boy. 

‘Potter’ his voice was firm yet the boy didn’t stir. ‘Potter,’ louder this time. Harry groaned and pulled his blankets tighter around himself. ‘Potter, wake up … now!’ he was growing impatient. Harry’s eyes began to open, and he quickly adjusted to his surroundings, Severus saw the moment surprise dawned on his face at seeing him standing over his bed. 

‘Are you ill?’ Severus’ voice remained cold. Harry sat up, reached for his glasses and slowly put them on.

‘No,’ Harry mumbled after a long moment.

‘I beg your pardon?’ Severus was running out of patience and he couldn’t hear what the boy was muttering. 

‘No, sir.’ Harry replied louder, looking up at his professor. 

‘Right,’ Severus sighed, ‘Get dressed, and meet me in my office.’ 

‘Now.’ He added when the boy didn’t move. Once he saw Harry swing his legs off the bed he made his way out of the dormitory. He needed to let the others know that Harry was safe, then he had to deal with the boy. Severus rubbed his temples, he could feel a mighty headache coming on.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Snape sat at the desk in his office, he was filled with feelings of concern and dread, and it took a decent amount of focussed energy to ensure his occlumency skills kept his mental barriers secure. He had reassured both Poppy and Minerva that the boy was in no moral danger without giving any real details, he supposed he didn’t really know what was going on himself. The man sat back in the chair considering his approach, as he waited for the boy. From what he knew, the boy was in a great deal of mental distress and differences aside, someone had to help him. Just as Severus was beginning to wonder if he would have to go off on a hunt for the boy, he heard a faint knock on his door. 

‘Enter,’ his low monotonous voice travelled through the door. ‘Sit Potter.’ Snape ordered as the boy entered his office, pushing the door closed behind him. Severus often saw young students trembling as they sat opposite him, however he doubted the slight shivers running through Potter’s body were from fear or the temperature of the office. 

Harry sat staring at his hands as he fiddled with the cuff of his shirt poking out from the arms of his sweater. His breathing felt unsteady and he wondered how he ended up here, sitting back in Snape’s office. He knew his professor was staring at him, but he refused to meet his eyes, he refused to be the first one to speak, even though he realised he didn’t really have anything to say. As the silence between the two continued, Harry felt his heart begin to race.

‘Explain to me why you did not attend your classes this morning.’ Snape’s voice was cold, he appeared every bit the disciplinarian he was known to be. Harry felt as though his whole body was moving with the force of his pounding heart, the weight of what he had done began to dawn on him. Skiving off a few classes was not unheard of at Hogwarts, it wasn’t like Harry had skipped class to graffiti school property or spike the teachers pumpkin juice with a laughing potion, but the fact that Harry didn’t really understand himself why he had remained in bed only served to cause him more stress. Harry was starting to feel like there was something seriously wrong in his brain, why didn’t he just say he was ill when Snape had asked, when he thought about it he didn’t feel very well anyway, he wouldn’t have even had to lie. 

‘Mr Potter, classes are not optional, it is not acceptable to remain in bed all day without reason. My patience is wearing thin, you need to explain yourself.’ Snape’s voice remained firm and calculated. 

‘I’m sorry sir, I just didn’t feel well.’ Harry didn’t look up from where his hands lay in his lap. Severus didn’t think he would ever get used to hearing the famous Harry Potter apologising, he took in the now slumped shoulders of the boy, his pale drawn face and the deep dark circles around his eyes, if it was a lie, it was a convincing one. 

‘Then why were you not in the hospital wing, and why did you lie to me earlier?’ He continued the interrogation. Snape had his sneaking suspicions about what the boy was dealing with, but he wasn’t about to make any assumptions, he needed to get the boy talking. 

‘Madam Pomphrey said nothing was wrong, I’m fine, but …’ Harry’s voice faded, he didn’t even know what to say, how to explain. He finally looked up bracing himself for the wrath of the potions professor but Snape didn’t look mad, he certainly didn’t look happy but he also didn’t look ready to turn Harry into potion ingredients. When Snape rose his eyebrows expectantly Harry continued with a sigh, ‘it just feels like it is gonna happen again.’ 

‘Like what is going to happen again?’ Snape asked a twinge of impatience in his tone. 

‘The panic attack,’ Harry resumed the analysis of his sleeve, his voice quiet. ‘It’s like I’m constantly on the verge of it.’ 

‘Okay.’ Severus sighed deeply. ‘Look at me when I’m speaking to you Potter.’ The instruction was firm but without malice. When Potter finally raised his eyes Snape continued. ‘This is something that needs to be dealt with. This is something that can be remedied. This is temporary.’ He loaded his words with the message he was trying to convey, hoping that the boy would understand. ‘You need to talk to someone, to face the cause of this anxiety, there is of course your head of house, or Professor Lupin, who you all seem so fond of.’ Harry’s face paled further which Severus wouldn’t have thought possible. ‘Of course, if you wish to keep the situation somewhat more private … I could offer my assistance.’ He finished somewhat reluctantly. Harry nodded. ‘Mr Potter, I must ask that you make it clear what you want.’ Impatience creeping back into his tone. Severus knew that this was difficult for the boy, but he was losing his patience with his half-hearted attempt at communication. 

‘I would rather not involve someone else.’ Harry replied shyly. 

‘Very well.’ Snape drawled with a nod. ‘First thing is first, you cannot keep missing your classes. You say you feel unwell, I need you to tell me what exactly is wrong. If we can remedy some of that, you’ll feel better while we tackle the greater issue at hand.’ He gave Harry an expectant look. Harry sighed and ran a shaking hand through his messy hair. 

‘I, um, I’m just really tired, and it still feels really hard to breathe a lot of the time and I don’t have any appetite, but then I feel really sick if I don’t eat, but I can’t eat because I feel sick and I just, I just …’ Harry let his head fall into his hands and took some deep breaths. 

‘Relax Potter, we can deal with this.’ Snape’s tone was cool as he checked the clock on his desk. ‘I don’t think sending you to classes today would be productive, but neither would returning to bed. I have a class to teach, you will work here preparing potion ingredients.’ Snape stood and conjured a workbench in the corner of the office, upon which stood numerous jars of animal parts, and bundles of dried herbs. ‘There is a list of the ingredients I need and how to prepare them, if you need anything, I’ll be through those doors or you can relay a message through the portrait.’ 

‘Oh, ah, okay.’ Harry stood, mildly confused but did as he was instructed, he read through the parchment on the workbench as Snape left to teach his class. Harry looked through the list on the parchment three or four times before realising that he wasn’t even trying to comprehend the written words. Focussing on the page he began sorting through the materials on the bench. As he cut up worms, and grated roots Harry noticed his breath coming easier. Snape was going to help him, he was going to be alright. The way Snape was so sure that these problems could be dealt was comforting to Harry. He shook his head, when did he start feeling comforted by Snape, when did he even start trusting Snape and when on earth did he become so grateful for the dungeon bat of a man. If Harry was honest with himself, the man had been very fair, he had been discrete and understanding on a number of occasions now. Harry let his thoughts run around his mind, never really finding much order but now making a modicum of sense. As his tense body began to slowly relax, the exhaustion started to set in. Harry looked around the office but couldn’t see a clock from where he stood, he had neglected to put on his watch as he stumbled from his bed earlier. He hoped the class was nearly finished, he was finding it hard to stand at the workbench, his legs feeling weak under him and his arms struggling to continue the chopping and grinding of ingredients. 

By the time Snape returned to his office, Harry’s pace had slowed almost to a halt. Harry felt a wave of worry wash over him, hoping Snape wouldn’t berate him for the amount of work he had completed before realising he wasn’t serving a detention and this wasn’t a punishment per se. Snape simply dumped a pile of essays on his desk and then gestured for Harry to follow him from the office. Harry followed Snape down the empty dungeon corridor and down a narrow set of winding stairs, leading to an ever deeper section of the castle that Harry had never seen, he wondered if they were anywhere near the Slytherin common room. Snape then opened a door Harry had not even noticed and mentioned for him to enter. Harry’s breath hitched as he looked around the room, even in his current state he knew these must be Snape’s private quarters. To one side he saw a sleek brown leather couch in front of a roaring fireplace, coffee tables stacked with books and bookcases that reached the ceiling lining some of the walls. Harry had always considered the dungeons to be dark, dank, cold places but he found this space surprisingly cosy. He could see what looked to be a kitchen further into the quarters, and a few rooms coming off the main area which Harry assumed to be the bedroom, bathroom and perhaps a study or workspace. 

‘Sit Potter.’ Snape ordered, gesturing to the sleek wooden table not far behind the couch. Harry walked over to the table still drinking in his surroundings, taking a seat, he could now clearly see the kitchen that joined onto this main living area. Snape disappeared into it, leaving Harry feeling confused and somewhat awkward. Harry wondered why on earth Snape had brought him down here and how many students had ever seen this space. It all looked so normal, not that Harry had expected the man to sleep hanging from the rafters but he was still surprised. Harry had let himself sink down in the chair but pulled himself upright into a more dignified position when Snape returned from the kitchen. The man placed a sandwich on the table in front of Harry. Harry just sat looking at the food stupidly, wondering if this day could get any more bizarre. 

‘Eat it.’ Snape instructed, sitting down at the table with a cup of tea. Harry continued to stare at the food apprehensively, he had no desire to eat and his stomach rolled at the thought. 

‘No thank you, I’m not hungry’ Harry politely declined, tearing his eyes away from the sandwich. 

‘You have to eat, you need the energy.’ Snape urged. 

‘I don’t feel well.’ Harry insisted, pushing the plate away. 

‘That is because you haven’t eaten, I’m not going to ask you again.’ The impatience was clear in his tone, and Severus watched as Harry hesitantly pulled the plate back towards himself. 

‘I really don’t feel well.’ Harry’s last ditch effort was met by a steady glare from his professor. Harry knew from experience it was better not to argue. He picked up one half of the sandwich and began to eat it slowly, Snape relaxed in his chair, tea in hand. After barely eating more than a quarter of the sandwich Harry dropped it onto the plate, he knew eating would be a mistake. Moments later panic flooded his body as the inevitable became obvious, his eyes shot to Snape, who had thankfully caught on to Harry’s situation and a nearby door swung open with a simple nod of the professor's head in the general direction. Harry didn’t speak as he climbed to his feet and made his way into the bathroom one hand resting firmly on his stomach, he managed to close the door behind him before he found himself heaving over the toilet. 

Severus’s keen eye had seen the colour drain from the boy’s face as he discarded the sandwich, he had made the assumption that the boy’s stomach issues had been psychosomatic and that he merely had to get over the hurdle of actually eating something. The sound of Harry vomiting behind the closed door proved him wrong. While he still truly believed that these issues were caused by Harry’s mental state, he had to respect that the experience was still very real for the boy. Severus couldn’t help but wince at the unmistakable sound of dry heaving, he got up and headed back into the kitchen where he dug into his private stores, he quickly located a pepper-up potion and a stomach soother. Hearing the bathroom door open, he made his way back into the living area, to see Harry lingering in the doorway, looking absolutely pathetic. 

‘Sorry.’ Harry mumbled, his voice breaking slightly. Severus shook his head, he really wished the boy would quit apologising, what he would give for the snarky no good student he was used to.

‘You don’t have to apologise. Come and sit down.’ Snape’s voice was low as he moved over to the couch, Harry sat down next to him, his body shaking slightly. ‘Take these.’ Snape handed Harry the stomach soother, which he drank without hesitation. A moment later Snape passed over the pepper-up potion. ‘That should give you some energy for your last class of the day. Then I expect to see you in the dining hall for dinner, the stomach soother will be well and truly working so eat plenty. I want you in my office everyday this week after classes, we can use the guise of detention to maintain privacy.’ Severus looked down at Harry, pleased to see the potions kicking in already, the colour had returned to the boy’s face and the tremors had stopped. ‘Is that clear?’ 

‘Yes sir.’ 

‘You must wake up and attend your classes each day. You must eat three meals a day, I will be watching. If you feel unwell come and collect a stomach soother before meals from either Madam Pomphrey or myself. Do you understand?’ Snape's voice was firm as he tried to make himself as clear as possible. 

‘Yes sir’

‘You are dismissed.’ He waved Harry off with plenty of time to collect his things before the next class started. Harry took his cue to leave and walked over to the door leading out of Snape’s quarters before turning back to his professor. 

‘Thank you sir.’ Harry didn’t wait for a reply and quickly made his way back up and out of the dungeons as he wondered how he would explain his absence to his friends.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

While Harry’s state of uncontrolled anxiety was reduced to something more manageable after his time with Professor Snape, the reprieve was short-lived. Ron and Hermione were beyond curious to know what was going on and where Harry had been but they knew better than to push the issue when Harry had outright refused to explain his absence. As agreed Harry had attended the final class of the day and eaten a substantial meal at dinner, he knew his professor would be keeping an eye out but even he couldn’t pick up on the subtle surveillance. 

Now as Harry lay wide awake in his bed, the early morning sun peeking in through his parted bed curtains, he felt as though it would take a mammoth effort to tackle the day. So a mammoth effort he would apply. His desire to climb from the deep dark pit he felt himself sitting in was strong and he hoped it would be enough. 

Sitting across from Ron at breakfast, Harry tried to hide his disgust while looking at the food. He hadn’t had the forethought to seek out a stomach soother earlier and now he was left hesitantly buttering some toast. After the first piece of plain toast, Harry felt confident enough to take another along with some eggs and juice. It didn’t take long for Harry to feel the much needed energy from the food, and having showered, eaten and prepared himself for classes, he wondered why it had seemed like such a challenge earlier. 

Walking down to one of the furthest fields on the Hogwarts grounds for their Herbology class, the mood and chatter was light, Ron and Hermione kept things casual however they couldn’t hide the frequent looks of concern and confusion they kept shooting Harry. Still not anywhere near ready to tell his friends what had happened he feigned ignorance. Passing the quidditch pitch, Harry felt his heart jolt and his thoughts began racing. It was flying, that's what he needed to do, he needed to get back onto his broom, back onto the pitch. Things had been bad ever since they halted quidditch and now it all seemed so clear, if he could just get back into the air everything would go back to normal. With these thoughts Harry felt hope begin to swell in his chest and chose to ignore the pit that lay beneath it. The pit in his stomach that came from knowing that he was lying to himself and that the answer was not that simple. For now though, Harry would hold tight to any positive feeling he could, so he locked the idea that flying would restore normalcy into his mind. 

The three friends joined Neville and Luna who were already standing around the edge of the field which had been plowed in rows and looked very much like an ordinary vegetable garden but with a single type of plant.  
‘What is it?’ Harry asked Neville as they looked out across the expanse. 

‘Mandrake, fully matured. My guess is we are going to be harvesting it.’ Neville didn’t take his eyes off the plants before them. 

‘Mandrake... as in the screaming plants from last year?’ Harry turned to look at Neville. 

‘Yup, maybe some of these are the ones we potted.’ Neville met Harry’s eyes with a smile. Harry wasn’t sure why this seemed to bring joy to the plant enthusiast, he had personally hoped to never see those wrinkled roots again. With a quick glance at Hermione, he reminded himself that it was thanks to these unsettling plants that she was alive and well, and perhaps he should face them with a more gratuitous attitude. The memory of her stone cold body and lifeless eyes haunted his mind’s eye, along with that image came one of large fangs and bloodied yellow eyes, another of a charming young man. He had been so accepting of death in those moments, maybe even grateful … he snapped himself into attention. The fear of such thoughts pulling his mind back to the present where Professor Sprout was motioning everyone toward her. 

Neville had been correct, they were tasked with the job of harvesting both the roots and the leaves of the plants. Luckily the job did not require them to expose the bulk of the plant, simply dig down and collect a small amount of root from the limb like extremities of each plant, saving them from an hour of screeching. Harry found the repetitive work relaxing, he never strayed too far from Neville and happily listened to the boy talk on and on about the plants he had read up on for the semester. By the time the class had ended Harry was sure he had heard everything he would need to know for every test this class would have. 

‘I think I’m allergic to that plant.’ Ron moaned as they walked back up to the castle. ‘Look, it’s made my hands all red.’ He held his hands up to Harry’s face. 

‘Allergic to hard work more like it.’ Harry teased, with what was almost a genuine smile. 

‘Seriously, it kinda burns.’ He whined. 

‘Let me see.’ Hermione stopped walking and pulled his hands towards her, turning them over and inspecting them. ‘It’s fine, just go to Madam pomfrey.’ She dropped his hands and turned back towards the castle. ‘Harry will go with you.’ She added without looking back at the two boys. Ron blushed slightly and looked down, Hermione was obviously trying to get a reaction from Harry, something that might indicate where he was the previous day. 

‘It’s fine, I can go alone.’ Ron mumbled to Harry, clearly uncomfortable with backing his friend into a corner for information. 

‘I wasn’t in the hospital wing yesterday.’ Harry called to Hermione who was only a few steps ahead of them. The harshness of his tone brought the three of them to a halt and Hermione turned to face him. ‘And even if I was, I obviously wasn’t comfortable telling you the reason behind the visit, so why do you keep pushing it?’ Harry practically spat the words, voice low even though most of the other students were well ahead of them. ‘Why are you trying to trick me into sharing information I want to keep private? I’m not a puzzle Hermione, this isn’t some riddle that needs solving. Seriously you need to learn when to let things go.’ With a sigh Harry stormed off back up to the castle, leaving his dumbfounded friends behind. 

His eyes burned as he entered the castle and he made his way straight to the closest bathroom. Harry leant over the sink taking in great gulping breaths as a few tears escaped his eyes, Harry gripped the porcelain tight as he struggled to gain control. Anger battled sadness as he was torn between anger at his friend's invasion of privacy and lack of understanding and the despair of fighting with the people he was closest to. Logically he knew that his friends were worried about him and only wanted to help but that logic didn’t do anything to calm the raging sea of emotions he felt. The anger was the first to fade, it faded into a pebble of disappointment that settled in his ribcage, disappointment at his friends but more so at his own outburst. Harry glanced at his watch and knew he didn’t have much time to make it to the next class. Looking at his reflection he knew he had to get himself together, his eyes were puffy and his nose red and snotty. Harry didn’t have time, if he was late Snape would know and then he wouldn’t help him anymore. Harry ran. He ran from the bathroom and up the four flights of stairs to the transfiguration classroom, he halted momentarily at the door, the other students had just finished filing in. He had made it but now he hesitated, he would have to face Ron and Hermione, there was no avoiding it, with a deep breath he walked into the classroom. His minutely late entrance earned an interested look from McGonagall that changed to something quite different very quickly. Based upon his professor's reaction he could assume that the fact he had been crying was evident on his face, Harry feeling his face grow warm, put his head down and didn’t look up as he took his seat. 

It wasn’t until lunch that Harry had to face his friends properly. Ron arrived at class late due to a quick trip to the hospital wing, and there was strictly no talking during Professor McGonagall’s lectures. Thankfully his teacher did not question him about the state in which he arrived to class. After an awkward walk to the Great Hall, the three Gryffindor’s sat down at the end of the table, away from the other students. 

‘I’m sorry.’ Harry mumbled to Hermione. 

‘No, Harry, I’m sorry. You were right, I was pushing it too far. You made it clear you didn’t want to talk about it and kept trying to find out what was going on. I’m really sorry I didn’t respect your privacy.’ Hermione looked up and met Harry’s eyes. Harry could see her eyes glistening, but she quickly blinked away any tears. 

‘I shouldn’t have gotten so upset with you, I know you guys mean the best and you only want to help.’ Harry offered the girl a smile which she readily returned. 

‘Does anyone care about my hands?’ Ron chimed. 

‘No, not really.’ Hermione shrugged as she dug into the food. She and Harry laughed at Ron’s dramatic look of mock offense. 

‘Hey ‘Mione, can I look at your notes for the test?’ Ron asked through a mouth full of bread. 

‘What test?’ Harry looked up at his friend in alarm.

‘The test for Defense.’ Ron replied matter of fact. 

‘When?’

‘Today, we were told at the start of term and he reminded us last week.’ Hermione answered, alarm clear in her eyes. ‘Harry, did you really not know?’

‘Obviously I didn’t know, or I wouldn’t be asking.’ His voice panicked, Harry ran both hands through his hair. Harry racked his brain until he could remember some mention of a test and sure enough he could, they had been told but he had just forgotten completely. The last two weeks had felt so crazy that he had just completely blanked, he hadn’t even noticed anyone talking about it, or even seen his friends studying. If the mishap with his friends had been a pebble in his ribcage, this was a boulder and it was squishing all his vital organs. 

‘It’s okay mate, you do well in that subject, you pay attention in class, just read over our notes and you should be fine.’ Ron consoled, he reached out a hand and rested it on Harry’s arm. The gesture was unfamiliar yet genuine, while Harry would have thought such an act would be uncomfortable he instead felt steadied and was thankful for the comfort. Harry nodded and both his friends pulled out their notes and handed them over. The three spent the entirety of lunch talking through the notes and Harry was somewhat calmed by the fact that he had previously read up on the main topics which would be covered. As they collected their things to head to the defence classroom, a quick glance in the direction of the teachers table showed one potions professor leveling a pointed glare at Harry. Realising immediately that he had not eaten anything Harry grabbed a roll, holding Snape’s gaze in question, Snape turned his attention elsewhere which Harry took to mean that the last minute roll was adequate, and quickly ate it as they walked to the dreaded test. 

Harry regretted the food by the time they were waiting outside the classroom, his stomach was churning and the nausea he was becoming all too familiar with was returning. Leaning his back against the wall Harry closed his eyes and took some deep breaths. He opened his eyes to when he heard the sound of the classroom door being pushed open, and the other students started milling in.

‘Don’t worry, you’ve got this.’ Ron reassured as they took their seats. 

The silence was deafening as they sat waiting for the test to begin, Harry furrowed his brow and wrapped a hand around his abdomen as he felt his lunch desperate to make a reappearance. At the front of the room Lupin gave a smooth wave of his wand and the test appeared on the previously blank parchment sat on the desks. Harry read the first questions and his heart fluttered slightly as he realised he knew the answer, he hoped he had answered it to completion as he moved to the next one. Harry read the question over and over but couldn’t concentrate on anything more than the sick feeling rising in his chest, he knew he didn’t have many options and decided to raise his hand. It didn’t take long for Professor Lupin to look up from his desk and see Harry’s hand. He walked over and crouched down next to Harry’s desk. 

‘Yes Harry?’ He whispered. 

‘May I go to the bathroom?’ Harry asked, keeping his voice low and even. 

‘Of course.’ Lupin nodded and stood, stepping back to allow Harry to climb from his seat, he then followed Harry back to the front of the room resuming his place behind the desk. 

Harry made his way to the closest bathroom and into a stall, locking the door behind him. He leant over the toilet, breathing deeply, his hands on his legs. He waited and nothing happened, knowing he needed to get back quickly to avoid losing too much time on the test, Harry stuck two fingers down his throat pulling them out quickly as he gagged. Trying again, this time to more success, he heaved a few times, throwing up into the toilet. Feeling instantly better, he quickly washed his hands and face and hurried back to the classroom. 

Finishing up the test Harry hoped for a passing grade, he knew it would be obvious he had not studied, he only hoped he had done enough not to significantly damage his overall grade. 

The remainder of Harry’s classes ran smoothly, he and Hermione avoided talking about the test, as all that did was make him realise the mistakes he had made. ‘Now you know how I always feel.’ Ron had said. 

Now sitting in the Gryffindor common room exhaustion began to sink in. ‘Wanna have a game of wizards chess?’ Ron suggested. 

Harry groaned. ‘I can’t, I have detention with Snape.’

‘Oh… is that..’ Ron hesitated.

‘Yeah it’s from yesterday.’ Harry sighed, too tired to come up with a lie. Looking at his watch he pushed himself up and gave a small smile and nod to Ron as he left through the portrait hole. 

The closer he got to the dungeons the more nervous Harry became, he and Snape hadn’t really spoken much about what this was, or what they would do. Harry didn’t know what to expect and all sorts of scenarios began to fill his mind. What if Snape changed his mind and no longer wanted to deal with him? What if Snape wasn’t actually expecting Harry to show up? What if this entire thing was a huge mistake? The questions were brought to a halt as Harry stood outside Snape's office door. Before he could knock the door swung open.

‘Enter Potter.’ Came the cool drawl from inside. Harry felt a shiver run down his spine, but walked into whatever awaited him in the cold dark office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. Let me know if anyone is still reading this :)


	11. Chapter 11

Severus sat behind his desk marking his sixth year potions essays, pleased that after five years under his tutor the students were able to present a very impressive analysis and sound argument on the timing patterns of frequently over-stirred potions. There was a larger lesson to be learned from the obscure essay topic and from the essays he had marked he felt confident that his pupils had begun to understand that there was an expressive and powerful rhythm behind potion brewing. This fact only added to the good mood the man found himself in, he had been pleasantly surprised to see Potter at breakfast and the effort he made to eat again at lunch, his teachers had confirmed his presence in each class which meant the boy had done everything Severus had asked. If he was being honest with himself he was sure it would not be so easy, and he had expected the boy's absence at breakfast... Perhaps there was hope for the boy yet. A ripple of magic through the wards around his office alerted the potions master to the boy’s presence outside of his office, a smooth wave of his wrist set the door into motion, opening slowly to reveal the boy. ‘Enter Potter.’ he droned. 

Severus gestured to the seat on the other side of the desk, without a word Harry took a seat and looked across at his Professor expectantly. Severus found the eye contact to be a reassuring improvement, he found the constant fidgeting and bowed head that the boy usually presented to   
be incredibly annoying. He held Harry’s gaze and after a few moments of silence he allowed the side of his mouth to turn upwards into as much of a smile as any student had ever seen from him. At the look of astonishment with a hint of terror that crossed Harry’s face, Severus couldn’t stop the small chuckle that escaped. Harry’s mouth gaped slightly and it opened and closed as if he were trying to speak but the words would not come. 

‘Good job today Potter.’ Severus offered as his features relaxed back into his usual schooled expression. 

‘Wha- I didn’t… Why?’ Harry asked in confusion. 

‘What do you mean why? Because you did everything I asked, showed up and ate at meals, attended all your classes, showed up here.’ Severus said with a nod. 

‘That's just normal stuff, everyone does that.’ Harry shrugged. 

‘Indeed, however not everyone is doing all that while suffering from extreme anxiety and panic attacks.’ At this Harry’s gaze dropped to his hands and the wretched fiddling with his sleeves began. Severus sighed, he had no idea what he was doing but made a mental note to avoid using those terms. ‘This is not something to be embarrassed about. This is an honest and confidential space.’ Severus’ tone was still cold but it was patient. Harry looked back at him sceptically. ‘I know I am the head of Slytherin and everyone likes to play on the Gryffindor Slytherin rivalry, but above all I am a teacher here at Hogwarts and the safety and wellbeing of my students is the top priority.’ Severus leant forward and rested his arms on the desk, his voice genuine. He knew it must have been enough for the boy because Harry let out a sigh and it was as if Severus could visibility see his defenses lessen. ‘So, how was your day?’ 

‘Oh, ah um it was good.’ Harry stuttered, surprised by the question. 

‘Please, Mr Potter, if we are going to get anywhere with this you need to be completely honest.’ his tone was impatient, and surprisingly, it seemed that this helped relax the boy. Harry leant back in his seat and started again.

‘Well, I went to my classes and meals and it was easier than I expected.’ Harry wasn’t sure exactly what his professor was looking for. 

‘And what about transfiguration?’ Severus prompted.

‘What about it?’ Confusion was clear in his question. 

‘When I spoke to Professor McGonagall earlier she said you appeared quite distressed when you arrived to class.’

Harry sighed and ran a hand through his hair. ‘Ah, yeah, well it was fine, I just had a bit of an argument with my friends, but it’s fine now.’

‘And Defence, Professor Lupin said you didn’t look well.’

‘Do they all know?’ Harry asked accusingly. 

‘No. Not everything.’ Severus shot. He fought the urge to scold the manner in which the boy was addressing one of his professors and instead sighed before continuing. ‘However, your trips to the hospital wing were logged, you skipped their classes and your general deathly pallor and lack of enthusiasm make it impossible for someone not to realise something is amiss. Do not insult their intelligence. They are well aware something is going on, however I have not disclosed any information other than that we are dealing with it.’ 

‘Oh, right. Thanks.’ Harry muttered lamely. 

‘Now Defence, were you ill after lunch, do you need a stomach soother before dinner?’

Harry nodded, ‘yes please.’ 

‘Okay.’ Severus nodded with finality. ‘Tea?’ he asked. 

Harry nodded again, ‘yes please.’

As the potions master busied himself making tea, Harry, unsure what to do with himself, took to examining the bookcase behind Snape's desk. He noted there were no decorative features, no photo frames and all the books he could see from his seat appeared to be potion texts. Harry wondered if potions and tormenting students were the only things Snape ever thought about. 

Severus resumed his place behind the desk, placing a tea tray between the two. Once both teacher and student had tea mugs in hands, he began to wonder where to start. He had often helped and mentored his snakes, many of whom came from broken homes, but in those cases he was in possession of information on the turbulence in their lives. When it came to the young gryffindor he barely knew, he found himself at a loss for words. While everyone knew the story of his survival on the fateful night that took his parents, Severus thought that this event probably wasn’t the cause of the recent change to his mental state. He was saved from breaking the silence when Harry began to speak. 

‘So, um, I was just wondering, if there isn’t any spell or potion that can help … me, what exactly am I supposed to do?’ Harry kept his eyes on the tea secured between both his hands. 

Severus thought for a moment. ‘You can talk about it and implement good daily practises like exercise and meditation, we can also practice the art of occlumency.’ Severus shrugged slightly. 

‘Talk?! Meditate?! Are you kidding me?’ Harry spat, his voice growing louder. 

Severus was taken by surprise by the outburst but he didn’t show it, his own anger rising, forcing himself back into the intimidating dungeon bat he was known to be. His face hardened, brows furrowed, it was a look that would make first years quake. It did nothing to stop Harry’s eruption as the boys’ own face contorted in anger.

‘How could that possibly help?!?! I can’t breathe, I can’t eat, I can’t do this and you’re telling me to talk about it, TO MEDITATE, ARE YOU CRAZY?’ Harry’s shouts faded into muttered nonsense under his deep panting breaths. ‘I can’t, I can’t’ he muttered. ‘This was stupid.’ Harry rose from his seat and left the office without looking back. 

Severus sat frozen behind his desk staring at the door that Harry had just left through. He wanted to be mad, to be furious at the outburst, the blatant disrespect. He had just been shouted at by a student after all. He knew he should be angry and yet he couldn’t seem to locate the flame... it seemed to be smothered beneath something, something akin to concern. If someone had told him a few weeks ago that he would have sat by while Harry Potter shouted at him and then his main concern would be the child's wellbeing, he would have said they were mad. Perhaps he was the one going mad. He couldn’t help but think he should have led with the occlumency.

Severus scrawled a note on a scrap of parchment, retrieved a stomach soother from his stores and sent them up to the Gryffindor dormitory with a house elf. He would grant Potter forgiveness for this outburst but would allow no further exceptions, he fully expected the boy to continue with their arrangements and had made that clear in the message he sent. 

Later that evening Severus was satisfied to see Harry sitting at the Gryffindor table eating dinner. He had obviously calmed down and taken the stomach soother as he ate a full meal and interacted with his peers, however even from the head table the dark circles around the boys eyes were pronounced.   
_______________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_____________________________

Harry awoke the next morning feeling utterly exhausted, he may as well have been up all night racing around on his broom taking bludger hits to every square inch of his body. He sat up in his bed, a pit already sitting in his stomach, the previous night with Snape had been a disaster and the thought of his wrath only tightened the vice around his chest. Knowing he should avoid making matters worse for himself Harry got up and ready to head down to breakfast.  
Breakfast had been a bad idea and by the end of the first class for the day Harry knew something had to be done. Harry trailed behind Neville as the third year gryffindors made their way to the charms classroom. 

‘Bathroom’ Harry answered Neville’s questioning look as he veered away from the pack of students. With the success and relief afforded the previous day Harry hesitated only slightly as he forced himself to gag on his own fingers, easily bringing up his breakfast. Harry didn’t give himself long to compose himself before he raced to catch back up to his friends. When he reached them outside the charms classroom he was feeling great. His stomach felt calm and he felt like he might actually be getting things somewhat under control.

By the time Harry and Ron followed Hermione into lunch he could feel his heart bubble with laughter. Harry didn’t even realise how much he ate as he sat goofing around with his friends, Fred and George testing prank quills which set them all into a fit of laughter when ink sprayed into the face of the unsuspecting user. Harry felt light and free as if the wind had changed and blown away the dark cloud that had surrounded him for the past two weeks. 

His mood changed slightly after lunch, not even halfway through their defence class Harry felt as though he would be sick right there on his desk. He knew that if he asked to be excused it would get back to Snape, plus it was the same class he had to leave the previous day and he suddenly felt very nervous to talk to Lupin again. While Harry wasn’t in high spirits, the hopelessness that had plagued him didn’t return. Harry zoned out of the lecture, focussing on taking deep breaths, he could feel the sweat forming on his forehead, he knew he wasn’t going to make it until the end of the class. He sat there with a new focus, getting out of class. Harry looked around, Lupin was lecturing at the front of the room and everyone was completely engaged, all hanging of every word their teacher spoke. If he raised his hand and asked to be excused it would draw everyone's attention, there was no way to just discreetly leave the classroom with the only exit at the front of the room. Harry clenched his eyes shut, it would be worse to be sick in class than to ask to be excused. Then Harry heard the most wonderful words.

‘All right, everyone stand up, clear some space, let’s give the leg-locking jinx a go,’ Lupin mentioned for the desks’ to be cleared and the students started pairing up and taking out their wands. 

Harry took his chance, making a beeline straight for Lupin. ‘Sir, may I be excused?’

‘Are you alright Harry?’ Lupin asked with concern, Harry was sure he must have looked as bad as he felt. 

‘I’m just not feeling very well, sir.’ 

‘Head up to Madam Pomphrey, do you need someone to go with you?’ Lupin asked. 

‘No thank you, I’m fine.’ Harry turned on his heels and walked out quickly. 

With no intention of heading to the hospital wing, Harry made it to the closest toilets and didn’t need to intervene as his stomach readily expelled it’s contents. Unlike the almost immediate relief he gained earlier, this bout of vomiting left him gasping for air and clenching the sides of the toilet bowl on his knees. Harry stood slowly and lent a hand on the stall wall to balance himself as a wave of dizziness passed over him. He allowed himself to relax and regain composure before heading back to class, with every intention of giving the impression that he had been to the hospital wing, he couldn’t return too quickly. 

‘That was quick, how are you feeling?’ Lupin asked in surprise when Harry walked back into the classroom. 

‘Much better.’ Harry gave his professor a small smile as he located Ron working with Seamus at the back of the room. 

After sending a successful leg-locking jinx at both Ron and Seamus, Harry was relieved to be heading to the final class of the day. He was utterly exhausted and somewhat thankful that the final class was potions, so he wouldn’t have to make an additional trip down to the dungeons to meet with Snape after class. Today’s meeting with Snape would be a detention as the note he had received the previous night had explained, honestly, Harry knew he was getting off lightly after their last interaction. 

Snape spent only a small portion of the class covering the base salve they would be concocting today. These would later be an important starting point for the healing balms they were preparing in the coming weeks. Due to the importance of everyone successfully brewing these in order to continue with the unit Snape assigned everyone a partner. Harry, who was paired with Dean, was thankful to have escaped the misfortune of a Slytherin student. Turning towards the back of the classroom he sent a sympathetic smile to Hermione who had been paired with Pansy Parkinson. At least Pansy looked almost as bothered by the partnership as Hermione did. 

Checking his watch as he continued to stir the thick potion, Harry was glad to see that the lesson was almost over, he was feeling pretty rotten and desperately wanted to escape back to Gryffindor tower. He felt like he was making himself seasick staring at the ladle he kept spinning around the cauldron. When Dean had offered to let Harry do the stirring while he acquired, prepped and added all the ingredients Harry hadn’t hesitated to agree, but now his arm felt weak, his stomach was rolling and a headache was brewing behind his eyes. 

‘Hey Dean, can we switch for a bit?’ Harry asked, looking over at his partner who was cleaning up. 

‘Oh, yeah sure.’ Dean responded as he got into position to take over the stirring without disrupting the potion. Once Dean had a hold of the ladle and was stirring it in time, Harry let go, it was crucial that it did not stop moving in the cauldron and neither wanted to be the ones to mess up their salve. 

Harry stood from the stool he had been leaning on and had to grab the workbench for support as the room spun slightly. 

‘Woah you alright Harry?’ Dean asked with a friendly chuckle. 

‘Ha, yeah I just got up too quick, I’m good’ Harry shook his head slightly with a casual laugh. 

He collected a small tin and labelled it, then he and Dean carefully transferred their potion into said tin, it was a thick white cream and thankfully it looked just like everyone else's. Dean took their finished product to the front of the room as he filed out with the other students. 

‘You coming mate?’ Ron called when he saw Harry still standing by his workbench. 

‘No, detention.’ Harry replied simply with a slight shrug. Ron just nodded sympathetically and left, leaving only Harry and Snape in the classroom. Harry walked up to the front desk where Snape was organising the collected salves. 

‘As I have told you, today you will serve detention for yesterday's outburst. You will clean the cauldrons from this afternoon's class.’ Snape ordered not looking up from the papers and potions on his desk. 

‘Yes sir. It won’t happen again sir.’ Harry offered. Snape finally looked up to meet his eyes. 

‘Good. Then we shall not speak on it further.’ There was a layer of gentleness to the words, a message of forgiveness delivered in the cold baritone voice of a dungeon bat. 

Harry turned and started at the closest desk, the creamy potion washed away easily and Harry had made it through half of the workbenches in only fifteen minutes. Progress was slowed as the potion began to harden as it sat and Harry quickly made his way around to the rest of the cauldrons filling them with soapy water to prevent the situation getting worse. He had been on a bit of a high after realising he was not going to be berated by Snape and that the man had forgiven his tantrum. Part of him had been sure and quite worried that his professor would refuse to continue helping him and he would be left alone in his predicament. Now that small adrenaline rush had passed the exhaustion had returned to his bones. His body felt weak and the pressure in his head was growing. He only had four more cauldrons to clean and he chanted that over and over in his head, four more to go, he could get through it. As he finished another cauldron his mantra changed, only three more to go. Hopping off the stool and walking to the next workbench black spots danced in front of his eyes, a wave of dizziness crashed over him and grabbed a nearby desk for stability. He clenched his eyes shut waiting for the moment to pass, but even with his eyes closed it still felt as though the room was moving. 

‘Potter?’ Snape's voice sounded very far away, but when Harry opened his eyes the man was still behind his desk, standing now. It was as if his vision was fading to static, and he could no longer make out his professors face. 

‘Sir, I think I’m about to pass out.’ Harry said just before his world faded to black.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Harry’s brain felt as if it were made of slime, it were as if it were sliding around inside his skull. Hesitantly opening his eyes and trying to see past the hundreds of tiny black spots clouding his vision he had the faint impression of someone calling his name but he couldn’t be sure due to the loud ringing in his ears. Slowly his vision began to clear and the noise in his ears faded, the stern features of the Potions master came into view and strong hands helped Harry into a sitting position on the cold stone floor of the dungeon. Unsure why he was on the floor in his potions classroom, Harry looked questioningly at Snape. The man offered no explanation, Harry would have demanded some answers if he wasn’t so focussed on not puking where he sat. Staring straight ahead before closing his eyes again, Harry took deep controlled breaths trying to quell the nausea and regain control. Once he was confident he could speak without being sick he met Snape's eyes, ‘What happened?’ 

‘You are the one who just fainted in the middle of my classroom, I too would appreciate some insight,’ the words did not sound kind, but the hand Harry could still feel on his back told a different story. ‘Can you stand?’ 

Harry couldn’t recall ever fainting before and he could decidedly say that he didn’t enjoy it, his entire body somehow felt off and really wasn’t sure if he could stand yet or not. With the embarrassment of the situation beginning to set in, Harry just gave a small nod in response. Harry had always thought that if Severus Snape were ever to touch him they would both just spontaneously combust due to the very fibres of their beings outright repelling each other, however, in this moment he was so very thankful when the man helped to support most of his weight as he stood and moved over to a nearby stool. The effort of the move took the small amount of energy that Harry had left and he physically felt the blood drain from his face as the room spun slightly. The fear that he saw flash across his Professors face would have amused him if he wasn’t so worried about toppling off the stool. Once he was stable, leaning forward onto the workbench, Snape left him to return with a glass of water a moment later. The two stayed silent as Harry slowly sipped at the water, feeling his brain solidify from it’s slimy, jiggly state as he finished the glass. He assumed some colour returned to his face because Snape gave an approving nod before waving his wand over Harry, casting some simple diagnostic charms. 

‘Low blood sugar.’ Snape read from the parchment the charm generated. ‘You haven’t been eating.’

Harry frowned, it wasn’t phrased as a question but he felt the need to defend himself. ‘Yes I have, I’ve been eating at every meal.’ 

‘Not according to this.’ Confusion was evident in the man's voice as he studied the results, Harry relaxed slightly realising he wasn’t going to argue. Snape flicked the paper down to stare determinedly at Harry and he did his best to meet his evaluating eyes. It felt like an eternity had passed when Snape finally broke the silence. ‘Okay then,’ he resolved before turning on his heels and gliding to the front of the room. 

Harry watched after him in great confusion, ‘okay what?’ he called. ‘What are you talking about?’ There was something about his professor's demeanor that gave him the idea that he was not about to have a good time here. 

‘My office, now.’ Severus called over his shoulder as he swept from the room. Knowing what’s good for him, Harry hurried after the man, weak but steady on his feet. Rounding the corner into Snape's office he saw the man standing over his desk, his back to the boy. 

‘Legilimency.’ Snape announced loudly not turning from his desk. Unable to confidently comprehend his Professors’ current manner Harry opted to remain silently confused. ‘I do believe it to be the best course of action in this circumstance.’ The man finally spun on his heels to meet Harry’s confused stare. Harry saw a strange gleam in the man’s usually dead eyes that turned his stomach to stone. ‘Legilimency, the art of navigating through a mind not your own. While often associated with malicious intent, the process can be quite beneficial in speeding along someone's mental recovery.’ Snape made such intense eye contact with Harry that the boy began to worry that the man was already trying to pry his way into his mind. 

‘Like mind reading?’ Harry stuttered slightly, fighting every instinct to back out of the office. 

‘Don’t be naive.’ Snape scolded with disgust, finally breaking eye contact to turn back to his desk. Harry was taken aback by the tone, he was not unfamiliar with the cruel words that could be spoken by his Professor, however, after the recent support and understanding the sudden change in demeanor came as a surprise. Snape sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose before speaking with forced patience, ‘The mind is not a book that can be read, it is a complex system of thought, a multilayered maze of abstract feeling. By allowing me passage into your mind, I can help build defences against the panic and anxiety, I can assist in rationalising your childish fears, I can instill practises that will prove far more therapeutic than any muggle drug or years of intense therapy. This is a benefit of the magical world Mr Potter.’ Snape planted his hands on the desk and did not look at Harry. 

‘I don’t know.’ Harry muttered running a hand through his hair, feeling more uncomfortable the longer they spoke about the subject. 

Severus turned once again to face Harry, wand in hand, he leant back against the desk. ‘I am offering you a solution,’ his voice was softer this time, resigned almost. ‘This is a quick fix, a way out, the answer to your problems. Surely Harry Potter isn’t going to decline the easy way out.’

Harry couldn’t help but be offended, of course Snape thought him lazy and in need of an ‘easy way out’. Reading the expressions clear on the boy's face, Snape raised a hand. ‘Look Harry,’ the use of his first name pulled Harry from his internal rant. ‘You’re predilection for trouble and your reputation as The Boy Who Lived will no doubt ensure you face many battles in the future, let me ease the burden of this one.’ 

‘So it’s all true, I’ll have to fight him.’ Harry’s attention was focused solely on Snape. As if carved from stone, Snape's face gave away nothing. 

‘Don’t be absurd.’ 

‘Then why does it matter? Huh? Why do you care? Unless of course I am a necessary pawn in this game.’ Harry knew he was sounding frantic but he didn’t care. 

‘Expecting yourself to be the saviour of the wizarding world because you survived a violent encounter with the Dark Lord is ridiculous, bad things happen. There doesn’t have to be a grand reason behind it, perhaps a scar is just a scar. You are a child, your survival all those years ago was caused by factors beyond your control, tragic as your life has been, it does not make you special.’ Severus watched as Harry considered this. ‘I can see that this situation has grown out of control and I am offering to step in and help, as would any teacher at this school.’ 

Harry didn’t expect himself to be the saviour of the wizarding world. Did he? He had never allowed himself to be egotistical enough to develop it into a fully formed thought, however, hearing that he was not responsible for defeating voldemort had released some of the pressure in his chest. In a moment of perhaps clarity, or self-awareness, Harry briefly saw how ridiculous the thought actually was. ‘Okay,’ he said thoughtfully. ‘I’ll do it.’

‘Very well, this will take a while, prepare yourself.’ Severus leveled his wand at Harry. Harry had a million questions flying through his mind, but couldn’t find his voice before he heard Snape command ‘LEGILIMENS’. 

Harry was frozen in place as he felt a massive force rush through his head, his mind was racing, he was beginning to panic, when the sound of Snape's voice rang through the chaos ‘relax.’ Harry obeyed and felt his thoughts slow and his questions fade, he felt almost overwhelmed by how uncomfortable it was having a second consciousness on his own. Naked and vulnerable while also being squeezed out of his own mind, Harry was sure he would go insane. Memories began to race forward, as if pushed by the foreign entity, they began fairly ordinary, studying in the common room with his friends, boarding the Hogwarts Express, playfully arguing in transfiguration class. Stronger emotions began to surface with memories from life with the Dursleys, run-ins with Malfoy and the other slytherins. From there they grew darker still, the panic attack in the bathroom, forcing himself to throw up his food, nightmares from nights long forgotten, the dark cramped cupboard in which he grew up. Harry tried to scream, but no sound came, he mentally begged for Snape to stop to let him go but he remained trapped, trapped in his own mind.  
After what felt like an eternity and then some, Harry felt the hold release. He fell to the ground, knees slamming onto the stone floor with a terrible crunch as he took heaving breaths on all fours. A quick glance up showed him that his Professor wasn’t in a much better state, the man was leaning back heavily on the desk, face even paler than his usual deathly hue. As Harry regained his breath, he pushed himself back until he was sitting against the office wall, his head hung low.  
‘When you’re ready go back to your dormitory, go straight to sleep, your mind needs rest to adjust to the… changes.’ Snape swept out of the office, leaving Harry alone.  
Harry’s mind felt foggy, like he was trying to think through mud. A vague feeling of concern arose at the idea of changes in his psyche, the concern may have elicited some regret but his mind couldn’t make the connections in its current state. 

Harry couldn’t remember the journey from the dungeons to his bed but there he stood before it. Snape had said to go straight to sleep and Harry had no arguments, he wanted nothing more than to fall into a deep slumber. Looking around he was surprised to see his dorm mates all soundly asleep, the moon high in the sky. It must be late, he wondered what the time was but couldn’t care enough to try and read his watch, choosing instead to fall onto his bed fully clothed.  
Harry awoke to a gentle thump on his back, he slowly opened his eyes to see Ron’s cheeky grin. ‘We thought Snape must have killed you when you didn’t come back last night.’ 

‘I think he did actually. I think I may currently be deceased.’ Harry smiled as he tossed Rons pillow back to him, aiming directly for his head. Ron just caught it and laughed. Harry sat up in his bed and let a great smile grace his features, it had worked, whatever Snape had done it had worked. He felt light and free and every bit as good as he did before the anxiety had started creeping in. He felt excited, for everything, excited for breakfast and excited for defence class and spending the evening hanging out with his friends. It felt so good to feel hopeful again, to be looking ahead into the future further than the next ten minutes. Jumping out of bed Harry joined his dorm mates in getting ready for the day, taking extra care to comb through and tame his hair. 

Walking into the Great Hall for breakfast he, Ron, Neville and Dean were all teasing Seamus about his recent fail in Herbology, an earlier argument over whose socks were whose had them walking in a littler later than most the students and they joined some of the Gryffindor girls half-way up the table. Harry found himself absolutely ravenous and enjoyed a large breakfast, only hesitating once when he worried about feeling sick later, however he easily dismissed the concern knowing he could just get a stomach soother from Madam Pomphrey. This simple thought and the easy way in which he could let go of any worry made him once again marvel at the effects of the legilimency session with Snape. Harry turned his attention to the head table and was unsurprised to see the potion master's eyes on him, Harry gave him a genuine smile and a small nod that he hoped conveyed his gratitude. Snape’s expression gave no indication that the message was received, however Harry now knew better than to underestimate the man’s ability to read people. 

The entire day continued in a similar fashion and whatever voodoo Snape had performed in Harry’s mind held strong. Walking back from dinner Ron fell back with Harry and singalled him to let the others walk ahead a bit. Harry knew what was coming, he just hadn’t worked out exactly how honest he wanted to be. 

‘Hey mate, are you gonna spill the beans or what?’ Ron asked quietly as they let their friends get further ahead, giving them some privacy. 

Okay honesty was the way to go, ‘well, Snape fixed me.’ Harry shrugged.

‘Ummm, care to elaborate.’ 

‘Well, I’m sure you had noticed that things were getting kind of bad, and well they just kept getting worse, so Snape stepped in with a solution.’ Harry rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. 

‘Okay, what was this solution that somehow restored the happy Harry we all know and love overnight?’ The skepticism was heavy in Ron’s voice. This bothered Harry slightly, it obviously worked so why was Ron being so suspicious. 

‘Legilimency, he helped restore defences or build barriers or something in my mind.’ 

‘Legilimency?!?’ Ron exclaimed, stopping dead in his tracks. ‘You let Snape into your brain?’  
‘Yes.’ 

‘Are you insane? You have no idea what he could have done, poking around your mind?’

‘Okay, calm down, it’s not like I’m storing state secrets in here. Snape has been helping, he has been good through this and I trusted him. I needed to trust him Ron. And guess what… it worked. I feel amazing.’ 

‘Yeah until you start doing the moonwalk everytime someone claps, or I dunno sacrificing yourself to You-Know-Who.’ 

‘Ron!’ Harry looked at his friend dumbfounded. 

‘What!? You don’t know what sort of ideas he planted in there.’ Ron raised his hands in mock innocence. 

‘Yes I do, I was there, I could feel him in there, I knew what he was doing the entire time, I could see it.’ Harry tried to suppress his anger. 

‘Ew.’ 

‘Aggghh, trust you to be too immature to understand this.’ Harry resumed the journey back to Gryffindor tower, keeping his pace fast enough to deter Ron from trying to catch up to him. 

‘You’re the one talking about having Snape inside you’ Ron called after him. Harry clenched his face in disgust, on Merlin’s wand, Ron could be a git sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for taking so long to update this! Thank you so much to everyone still reading.


	13. Chapter 13

Waking in a cold sweat, Harry sat bolt upright in his bed, breathing hard. Raising a hand to his chest to feel the intense drumming of his heart, Harry tried to calm his nerves. He was safe in his bed, in the dormitory at Hogwarts, not in a vast secret chamber being hunted by a giant reptilian beast. Memories of the stone cold fear and raging adrenaline that somehow helped him best the basilisk in battle mingled with the distorted reality of his nightmare, stuck in one of the massive drain pipes, the creature forever approaching yet never reaching him. A shadow shot past the window, momentarily blocking the moonlight illuminating the dorm, Harry flung his head around to see nothing by the clear night sky beyond. He shook his head, trying to clear his mind that was obviously still foggy with sleep, freezing when he heard a faint rattling noise. Hesitantly he stood from his bed and walked over to the window, peering out over the Great Lake and off into the distant Forbidden Forest, the world outside the castle looked serene, nothing out of place. Returning to his bed, Harry sat still as a statue, his keen ears straining to hear anything amiss, in the silence he finally dismissed the rattling as post nightmare paranoia. Even with his rationalisation Harry continued to scan the dorm, body tensed and ready to jump into fight or flight mode. It was a bizarre feeling to be so on edge, and dare he say afraid, while somewhere he was typically so comfortable and while he was surrounded by other people. 

Harry had no memory of falling asleep, or even laying back down for that matter, however as he woke in the morning light, he could assume that at some point he had lost the battle against sleep. 

A young Slytherin student delivered a small piece of parchment to Harry that morning at breakfast from Snape informing him that they would continue his ‘detentions’ after classes. Although he was still feeling pretty great, Harry was eager to know more about what Snape had done and why it clearly wasn’t a widely offered treatment. Ron had shot the note a dirty look but did not comment, the two had not continued their discussion but instead settled for merely tolerating each other's existence. The icy coldness between the boys was obvious and it began to take its toll on their friends by lunch time. 

‘What on earth is going on between you two?’ Hermione asked in exasperation after Ron ignored Harry’s request for a roll from the basket beside him. 

‘Oh, you’ll have to ask Harry about that, apparently I am too immature to discuss such things.’ Ron stated, not making eye contact with Harry. Hermione looked expectantly at Harry, who just shrugged and suddenly found great interest in his cup of pumpkin juice. 

Hermione shook her head, ‘I don’t understand. I am your friend, why won’t either of you trust me enough to tell me what’s going on. Perhaps I could help, or even just moderate whatever is happening here.’ She beckoned between the two of them. She hid it well but Harry could see she was hurt by the exclusion. He had been embarrassed and ashamed, but with his newly restored clarity he could see that she only wanted to help, and honestly he would be very interested in her input regarding the legilimency session. 

‘Legilimency…’ Hermione muttered. She had sat quietly listening intently as Harry had told her the whole story, from the panic attack in the bathroom to his session with Snape. Even Ron had paid attention whole heartedly, he was also hearing most of the story for the first time. ‘It sounds familiar, give me some time to read up on it and I’ll get back to you. I’m gonna run and try to get to the library before defence starts.’ She raced from the great hall without looking back, leaving Harry and Ron in an uncomfortable silence. 

‘Mate… I-’ Ron struggled. 

‘It’s okay.’ Harry shook his head.

‘No, I’m sorry, I didn’t know. I mean, I knew, but I didn’t know, you know?’ Ron shrugged.

‘I know you don’t trust Snape, but, I mean I don’t want to say he cares, but he helps, or has been trying to help, I don’t know, the whole situation is just kind of crazy.’

‘Yeah, I’ll agree to that. Come on, we have to get to class.’ Ron stood and began to lead the way out of the great hall. 

‘Any luck finding a book?’ Harry called to Hermione as they prepared to start the practical portion of the defence class. 

‘Yeah, a couple.’ She nodded. 

‘And?’ 

‘And I didn’t have time to read them. From what I skimmed, it seems like Snape took a really radical approach. Sounds like the potential effects are still fairly unknown, they go on about the complexity and fragility of the mind and the strain an outside entity places on it.’ 

Professor Lupin stopped by Harry’s side, ‘Seems like a lot of chatter and not a lot of magic, let’s try to focus shall we?’ he called as he continued his rounds through the students. Harry saw Hermione’s cheeks flush slightly and knew better than to keep pushing for information. 

Harry had hoped to get more information from Hermione before he had to meet with Snape, Ron’s words had a stronger effect on him than he had initially thought. He had willingly let a former death eater into his mind, spy or not, it could have been a mistake. His desperation had him jumping on the first offer of relief, he couldn’t help but think perhaps Snape had been right, he was always looking for the easy way out. Perhaps that was part of the plan, part of the trap, it didn’t even take Snape more than a few minutes to convince him to open his mind. He was a fool, how could he have been so stupid? For the first time since that evening Harry felt the anxiety grip his heart. As he walked down to the dungeons after class, he couldn’t help but mourn for the two panic free days he was able to enjoy. 

Reaching Snape’s office door Harry couldn’t help but doubt his earlier suspicions, standing there now it didn’t feel like a trap, he didn’t feel the need to escape, in fact he started to feel better just by being there. The conflicting thoughts and emotions swirled through his brain, confusing his mind. Harry stood there before the door, hand raised to knock but frozen in position as he zoned out, trying to organise the mess of thoughts that made his head feel as though it were floating through space. Before he could work out which way was up and which way was down, the office door was pulled open, tugging his attention back to reality. Looking up sheepishly at Snape standing before him Harry slowly lowered his hand. The potions master looked down his nose at the boy, he pursed his lips but didn’t say anything as he stepped aside to allow Harry into the office. Snape swept around the boy where he took a seat behind his desk, motioning to the opposite seat as Harry took his cue. Harry could feel the man's analysing eyes inspect him, he did not cower under the gaze, he had nothing to hide, not anymore. 

‘How have you been feeling since our session?’ Snape asked casually, leaning back in his chair. 

‘Good, it, um, it worked. I feel normal again.’ Harry replied matter-of-fact. 

‘Good. It isn’t a cure, just a helping hand, you will still need to work on minimising your stress and handling your anxiety.’ 

‘Okay.’ Harry drawled questioningly. 

‘You should talk to someone, it is important to have someone to offer support and simply voicing your concerns can help diminish their power. Perhaps you could think of some things you could do to help you relax if you are feeling anxious.’ Snape crossed his arms over his chest. Harry thought this was potentially the most human his professor had ever seemed, talking so candidly about mental health, so relaxed behind his desk. 

‘I actually thought of something.’ Harry began, suddenly unsure of himself. 

‘Yes?’ Snape prompted. 

‘Well, I thought maybe if I could fly, go out on my broom, even for just a little while that it would help. We haven’t been allowed out since all this started and I just felt like maybe it would make things feel normal again.’ 

Snape looked at him thoughtfully before nodding his head. ‘I’ll see what I can do.’ 

‘Thanks.’ Harry looked around the room as the pair fell into silence, his eyes falling on a shelf with all sorts of atrocities in glass jars and many unidentifiable objects suspended in an amber liquid. When the silence grew too uncomfortable Harry turned back to his professor whose eyes were clearly fixed on him the entire time. 

‘It can be quite an uncomfortable and exhausting process.’ Snape muttered quietly, Harry’s eyes grew wide in questioning. ‘Legilimency.’ Snape explained. ‘To have two consciousnesses navigating one mind. To be roaming through another person's entire existence, the mental strain, it’s-’ he stopped, shaking his head slightly. ‘I have some questions.’ 

‘What sort of questions?’ Harry could feel his heart rate increase as his mind raced to work out what on earth Snape was talking about. 

‘About some things that I saw.’ Snape continued to stare intently at Harry. ‘Some memories.’ 

‘What memories?’ The words were barely more than a whisper as Harry felt his body grow cold with terror. 

‘Memories from 4 Privet Drive.’ Snape’s voice was soft, almost matching Harry’s whispers. 

Harry’s worst fears were being realised, his face was frozen expressionless in shock yet he felt a single tear fall silently from his eye. Hastily wiping it away, Harry stood, ‘No, thank you.’ he turned and calmly exited the office. Harry calmed down quickly once out of the office and he easily locked back up the door that Snape had tried to pry open in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I know this chapter is short, but the next update will be much faster. Thanks to those still reading, much love xx


	14. Chapter 14

‘I thought I saw everything he did, but I didn’t. He went poking around without me knowing.’ Harry explained to Ron and Hermione as they huddled around a small table in a quiet corner of the Gryffindor common room. 

‘I knew this would happen, I said this would happen.’ Ron boasted ungracefully. 

‘Not helpful Ron.’ Hermione shot, as Harry stared dejectedly at his hands. Hermione turned her attention back to Harry, ‘How do you know that?’ 

‘He tried to ask me about something he saw.’

‘What was it?’ Ron asked, he then raised his hands in mock defence at the look Hermione aimed his way. 

Harry ignored the interaction, knowing he would never divulge this information. ‘Just something that was none of his business.’ 

‘So you can’t know for sure what information he gained while rummaging around your mind.’ Ron clarified. 

‘Obviously not. Look I know it’s bad, and the fact that I let him into my brain seems crazy but I genuinely thought it was the right thing to do at the time, and to be honest I can’t say I completely regret it.’ Harry sighed and carded his fingers through his hair. ‘I guess, I just don’t know what else he might have done in there. What if my thoughts or decisions aren’t completely my own?’

‘From what I have read, using legilimency to plant seeds in someone's mind is incredibly difficult and very rarely successful. Then again, the fact that he was able to help you control your anxiety after a single session does suggest Snape is well versed in the art.’ Hermione mused. 

‘I feel like you had the right idea there, but that really wasn’t very helpful.’ Ron teased. 

Hermione rolled her eyes, ‘It’s a somewhat frowned upon form of magic, there isn’t a lot of information in the library. Do you feel anything? Do any of your thoughts feel foreign?’

‘No, not at all. I get the impression that Snape is actually just trying to help but I don’t like not knowing what he saw.’ Harry shrugged. 

‘Why don’t you just ask him? Surely you have a right to know, it’s your mind after all.’ 

‘Ron’s right, it’s the only way you might find out.’ 

As Harry lay in bed later that night, he forced his concerns to the back of mind and instead focused his attention on how comfortable he felt laying in his bed, wrapped up in his gryffindor quilt. The fact that he was able to do such a thing assured Harry that whatever Snape had done, it couldn’t have been too bad. Sleep came quickly to Harry’s calm mind, and the next thing he knew he could feel the warm sun streaming down onto his face. 

Harry’s heart leapt from his chest as he opened his eyes, his body kicking into action as he jumped up. Looking around frantically at the unfamiliar environment, Harry’s brain began to make sense of the situation, the tall oak bookshelves, the narrow arched windows, the worn armchair he had just sprung out of, he was in the Hogwarts library. Why he was waking up in the library, he had no idea, but he was unharmed and still at school so he allowed his panic to ease. With no watch, glasses or shoes, Harry began the journey back to Gryffindor Tower praying that it was early enough for him to return unseen. 

‘The library?!?’ Ron exclaimed at breakfast, ‘of all the places in the castle, why would you go to the library?’ 

‘I didn’t choose to go to the library, it was just where I woke up?’ Harry flushed, somewhat embarrassed by the situation. He had made it back to his dorm without incident and considered just forgetting the whole thing, but had ultimately decided that he wanted to try honesty for a while, to stop hiding everything. 

‘Why would sleepwalking Harry want to go to the library?’ Ron asked as he shoveled more eggs onto his plate. Harry had been turned off his food by the thought of himself walking like a zombie through the school in the middle of the night completely unaware. 

Hermione shook her head, ‘I don’t think that's how sleepwalking works Ron.’ 

‘Well, I dunno, maybe Snape put something in his mind to make him study while he sleeps.’ 

‘Aggh, please don’t joke about that.’ Harry hung his head in his hands. 

‘Harry, I’m sure it’s nothing. People sleepwalk all the time.’ Hermione laid a reassuring hand on his back but Harry didn’t look up. Hermione and Ron gave each other a sympathetic look before dropping the matter and returning to their food. 

By the time the three friends sat down again together for lunch, Harry’s anxiety had seemed to have peaked. His continued worry about having woken up out of his bed mixed with his uneasiness for their upcoming potions class had him feeling on edge. Every fibre of his being wanted to pull away from his friends but the terror he experienced at the thought of falling back into the dark mental pit he had been in or having another panic attack forced his hand. As the three of them sat for lunch Harry thought back to what Snape had said about trying to relax. 

‘Um… did you guys wanna take some of these sandwiches and eat outside?’ Harry asked, unsurely avoiding eye contact. 

‘It’s freezing out there.’ 

‘It’s not even that cold, I think you’ll survive Ron.’ Hermione said with a pointed look at her friend. 

Ron, finally catching on to the situation, shrugged with a smile, ‘yeah, okay. It’ll probably help me wake up after an hour of trying to listen to Professor Binns.’ 

Harry smiled at his friends, grateful for their understanding and not so subtle subtly. Ron had been right, it was very cold, but as soon as they were out of the castle Harry felt his anxiety lessen slightly. The three tried to stay warm by walking around the grounds as they ate with Ron making them laugh by imitating a wildlife documentary narrator, commenting on everything they saw. Soon enough it was time to return to the castle. 

‘We should get to potions.’ Hermione commented, watching Harry. 

‘Yeah.’ Harry sighed. 

‘You all good mate?’ Ron asked gently as they made their way up towards the entrance hall. 

‘Yeah, I don’t know why I’m worried about it, it’s just a normal class. I just don’t really want to deal with Snape right now. Everything is just confusing, I don’t know what to think.’ 

‘That’s fair.’ Hermione nodded, ‘but if you want my opinion, it seems Snape has done nothing but help this whole time, he hasn’t done anything to indicate you shouldn’t trust him.’ 

‘Hmm, that is true.’ Harry agreed. As they reached the castle entrance Harry turned to take a last look out over the rolling expanse of the scottish highlands, however any calmness he expected to wash over him was replaced by fear as he noticed the looming dark figures of the dementors flying around the school perimeter. With an unexpected shiver he quickly followed his friends back into the castle. 

Harry kept his head down during the potions class, he and Dean worked very well together and the two were able to develop quite a sophisticated burn remedy using the base salve they had previously prepared. Finishing in plenty of time, Harry had Dean hand in their finished product along with their essay outlining which ingredients were used and why. The boys cleaned their work station in comfortable silence while the other students continued to slave over their projects, both feeling satisfied with the effort they had put into the day's class. Feeling like an accomplished student and still trying to fly under Snapes radar, Harry pulled out his books and busied himself with the assigned reading while waiting for the class to end. 

‘Dean and I work great together, I think our balm could actually be pretty good.’ Harry told a grumbling Ron who had just had his project sullied by a simple ingredient mix up. 

‘As awful as it is working with Pansy, I won’t lie, she is actually pretty smart.’ Hermione added as they walked from the dungeons. 

‘Well, that’s really great, I’m really happy for you guys.’ The sarcasm dripped off Ron’s words, making his friends laugh. 

Parting ways with Hermione, the boys headed up to the astronomy tower for the last class of the day. As the afternoon wore on, Harry felt pressure building up behind his eyes, the divination classroom was always too hot, and everytime Harry inhaled he felt like the strong smell of incense was increasing the pain in his head. 

‘Aghh, it smells so strong in here, it’s giving me a headache.’ Harry groaned, pressing his palms into his eyes. 

‘It’s the worst.’ Ron agreed.

‘I seriously regret taking this class, I never have a good time.’ Harry chuckled, running his hands up through his hair. 

‘If only you could have foreseen it.’ Ron laughed, Harry just grimaced at the joke and playfully nudged his friend. The end of the lesson could not have come soon enough, the ache that had begun behind his eyes had grown into a pounding that reached the back of his head. Ron, noticing the change in Harry’s demeanor had offered to take his friends book bag back up to the dorm. Harry gratefully accepted and willingly departed from the extra weight as he headed down to the dungeons to meet with Snape. Each step down the spiral stone stairwell sent a sharp pain through his skull, Harry focussed on the stairs, trying to slowly lower himself down each one. So focussed on gently reaching the landing in the dungeons, he remained unaware of his audience. 

‘Come on Potter, go any slower and you’ll stop moving.’ 

Harry looked up to see Draco walking down the corridor toward him. This was definitely the last thing he wanted to deal with right now, keeping his head down Harry started walking towards Snape's office, hoping Draco would lose interest. The slytherin boy didn’t have anyone to show off in front of, so there probably wasn’t much satisfaction in tormenting him. 

‘Still serving detentions, you must have done something pretty bad.’ Draco called, still following Harry at a distance. ‘Go on, spill the beans, what was it?’ 

Harry just kept walking and wishing that Draco would stop yelling. 

‘Oi! Didn’t your parents ever teach you manners?’ 

Harry paused momentarily before bringing his hand up to knock on the office door. He wasn’t sure if it was the headache or the legilimency but he was finding it very simple to control his anger. The office door was pulled open, the potions master looked down at Harry and then over at Draco but didn;t say anything as he swept back into his office. Getting familiar with the routine, Harry closed the door behind him and took a seat in front of the desk. 

‘Tawny beetle shells.’ Snape looked curiously across at the boy. 

‘I’m sorry, what?’ Harry shook his head slightly, which he instantly recognised as a mistake. 

‘Why would someone add tawny beetle shells to a burn balm?’ Snape questioned. 

‘Oh, right, the project. Um..’ Harry was having trouble finding his words through the pounding in his skull. ‘The antibacterial properties. The beetle shells will help fight off any infection without interfering with the active ingredients.’ 

‘Indeed. But why would a third year student, who has underperformed all semester add tawny beetle shells?’ 

‘I read about it, in the textbook.’ Harry felt his defences rising. 

‘They aren’t covered until chapter 12.’ 

‘I was curious.’ Harry’s words were clipped. This was feeling more and more like an interrogation. 

‘As am I. Your work was terrific, I read over your essay. Simple recipe, good execution, your inclusion of the beetle shells along with the justification was … outstanding. I am curious where this level of work has been the past two years.’ 

Harry sat in shock, he had never heard nor expected such a compliment from his potions professor. Perhaps it was pain clouding his judgement but he decided now was the time for honesty. ‘You want the truth? I didn’t enjoy being in the classroom, I was afraid of you and so sure that failure was a certainty that I don’t think I ever truly tried.’ Harry chanced a look at his professor, Snape’s face was unreadable. ‘But, I like your class, the subject is interesting and somehow you can teach us an insane amount of content in an impossibly short time.’ 

‘Perhaps I may have been overly harsh in the past.’ Snape spoke slowly, ‘anything else you want to say?’ 

It didn’t feel like a trap so Harry decided to barrel onwards. ‘Yeah, I have some questions actually.’ 

Snape raised a questioning eyebrow, ‘yes?’

‘About the legilimency, I thought I knew what you were doing in my mind, but you saw things without me knowing. What did you do that I’m not aware of?’ 

A confused expression crossed Severus’s face, ‘I remained on the conscious levels the entire time. You should have been aware of everything, that’s what made it such a painful ordeal. What exactly do you think I saw?’ 

‘You were asking me about things that I didn’t see during our session.’ 

‘About 4 Privet Dr?’ Severus watched Harry intently. 

Harry nodded. 

‘You didn’t see any memories of your Aunt and Uncle during the session?’

‘No.’ Harry’s voice had grown quiet. 

‘Interesting.’ Curiosity was etched into the lines on the Snapes face, but he said no more. 

‘What does that mean?’ Harry asked when the man remained silent. 

Snape looking thoughtful replied, ‘I have no idea.’ Shaking whatever thoughts were racing around his mind, he looked back up at Harry. ‘How have you been feeling?’

‘Not bad, I took your advice. I went for a walk with my friends to relax … it helped.’ Harry shrugged.

‘How are you sleeping?’

‘Yeah, good, fine.’

‘You look tired.’ 

‘Oh no, I’ve just got a headache from divination. It’s fine, I just don’t do well with the incense Professor Trelawney is always burning.’ Harry gave a slight grimace. 

‘When did it start?’ Snape suddenly looked concerned. 

‘In … divination…’ Harry repeated. 

‘Does this happen often?’

‘What the headache?’

‘Yes, the headache.’ 

‘No…’ confusion was clear in Harry’s voice. He couldn’t understand why Snape was making such a big deal over a headache, I mean sure, it was pretty bad, but he didn’t know that.

Snape took out a potion vial from his desk draw. ‘Take this, it will help.’

Harry took the vial and drank the potion, gagging slightly at the awful taste. ‘Thanks.’ He handed the empty vial back to his teacher. 

‘How bad is it?’ 

‘Why does it matter? It’s just a headache.’ 

‘Well, if you aren’t in too much pain, perhaps we could pick up where we left the conversation yesterday?’ 

‘I don’t have anything to say about that.’ 

‘Is there something else you would rather discuss?’ 

Harry snaked a hand through his hair, resting it on the back of his pounding head, ‘no.’ 

Snape sighed, seeing the boys obvious discomfort. ‘Move over to the couch, rest for a while.’ 

‘Can’t I just go back to my dorm?’ Harry motioned to the door.

‘You should stay here awhile and wait until the potion kicks in.’ Snape nodded his head toward the couch. Harry stood confused, but did as he was instructed. As he sat on the couch Snape dimmed the lighting with a wave of his hand before turning to the papers on his desk. The low light did take some of the strain off Harry’s eyes, and he felt fairly content sitting on there, even with the pain shooting through his head. Staring at a nearby bookshelf Harry took in the different books, his eyes hurt too much to try and make out the titles, but he could clearly see some were new and some were very old. Harry’s breathing began to even out as his eyes grew heavy, he would occasionally be startled by the sound of papers moving or quills scratching and it took all his energy to keep himself awake. Just as he thought he would lose the battle, he heard Snape begin to speak. ‘How is your headache?’

‘It’s feeling much better.’ Harry lied. 

‘Good. You may leave.’ Snape dismissed barely raising his eyes from the papers in front of him. 

Harry didn’t hesitate to leave office. The potion Snape had given Harry hadn’t helped relieve his headache at all, but Snape had started to freak him out about it and it just seemed easier to backtrack. Harry had been so concerned with getting out of the office, the disappointment of his headache not easing only started to set in as he reached Gryffindor tower.


	15. Chapter 15

Harry climbed through the portrait hole into the gryffindor common room, the assault of sound made Harry clench his eyes shut as a wave of pain passed through his head. He shot his eyes open as a strong hand clapped down on his back.

‘Alright Harry! Heard the good news?’ Fred exclaimed enthusiastically. 

‘What’s that?’ Harry muttered through a forced smile.

‘Looks like we are gonna be able to start training again soon.’ George said, popping up on the other side of Harry. 

‘Really?’ Harry asked in surprise. 

‘Apparently, I’d get to polishing my flying boots if I were you.’ Fred smiled as the two brothers made their way out of the portrait hole. Could it be a coincidence, or did Snape actually come through with the flying thing, either way Harry supposed it was a good thing. 

‘Hey,’ Harry greeted as he walked over to one of the small study tables that Ron was sitting at. ‘Why are you alone?’ 

Ron looked up at Harry with a sigh, ‘I’m trying to focus and get this star chart done for divination.’ 

‘Do you want me to go?’ 

‘No sit down, I’m done.’ Ron gestured to the empty seat next to him. Harry sat with a deep sigh.

‘That doesn’t look done.’ He nodded to the chart on the table. 

‘It’s not, but I am.’ Ron shrugged and began to roll up the parchment. ‘How did you go with Snape?’ 

‘Um, yeah alright.’ 

‘How did you go with Snape?’ Hermione asked walking up to the boys. 

‘He was just about to say actually.’ Ron playfully scolded. Hermione just rolled her eyes in response and pulled up a chair. 

‘Did you ask him about what he saw?’ she prompted.

‘Yeah, he said something about staying on the conscious level and that he shouldn’t have seen anything I didn’t.’ 

‘But obviously that’s not how it worked, unless you just forgot.’ Hermione furrowed her brow. 

‘I didn’t forget. Plus, he seemed as surprised and confused as us, so I dunno.’ 

‘Did you mention the sleepwalking?’

‘No, why would I?’

‘In case it was caused by the legilimency’

‘You said this morning that it was nothing and that lots of people sleepwalk!’ 

‘Well, yeah they do but maybe you should be telling Snape everything just in case.’

‘In case what?!?’ Harry shot at Hermione. He instantly regretted raising his volume and hung his head in his hands with a groan, the thumping under his skull growing ever stronger. 

Hermione, taken aback, reached out an uncertain hand, ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to..’ 

Harry waved a dismissive hand without raising his head. ‘No, it’s fine, I’m sorry I’ve just got the worst headache. I shouldn’t have shouted, I’m sorry.’ 

‘Still?’ Ron asked sympathetically. 

‘When did it start?’ Hermione asked in concern.

‘Divination, Professor Trelawney is always stinking up that room with her mystic candles and incense.’ Ron explained. 

‘I’d hate to sound like a broken record but are sure it has nothing to do with the legilimen-’

‘No, it’s fine, it’s just a headache.’ Harry cut her off and stood, ‘I’m just going to go lie down and sleep it off.’ He started making his way to the stairs leading to the dorms. 

‘Should we wake you for dinner?’ Ron called. 

Harry didn’t turn back to his friends, ‘No.’ 

He knew he was being unfair to his friends, but Harry just couldn’t bring himself to care, he just wanted to lay in the dark silence of the dorm and wait for this to pass. Stripping down to his underwear and wrapping closed the curtains around his bed, he laid back and let loose a sigh. Harry slowly moved his head around on the pillow trying to find a position that didn’t feel as if he were laying on stone, eventually he gave up and tried to just appreciate the quiet darkness. Harry floated between sleep and consciousness, his dreams mixing with reality. He was flying on his broom, chasing the golden snitch, it was right in front of him and he chased after it forever without ever catching up to it. A bludger straight to his head was the only thing that broke the endless loop, then he was falling from his broom, falling and falling, feeling as though a hole had been punched through the side of his head. He would continue falling until finally he would awaken with a sharp jolt of his body as he realised he was firmly on his mattress. Drifting back into a slumber the scene would slowly change, he was being pushed into the small cupboard under the stairs, the deafening sound of the lock being slid shut. He hopelessly tried to push open the door to no avail, in the small dark space he felt as though he were being watched by something, something hiding deeper under the stairs, in the shadows. He turned, sitting with his back against the door, staring into the darkness just waiting for something to emerge, but nothing ever did. Now he was cooking breakfast in the kitchen, he could hear the yelling but couldn’t understand what anyone was saying, he turned around just in time to see a frying pan swinging down to make brutal contact with his head. 

Harry woke, his hands flying up to hold his head, he groaned and writhed under the pain, his eyes clenched shut. It wasn’t until a familiar voice started calling his name that he remembered he was still at Hogwarts. 

‘Harry, mate, can you hear me?’ Ron grabbed one of Harry’s arms, shaking him gently. Harry couldn’t respond, it felt like his brain was going to explode, the pressure just kept building and building while razor blades were being shaken inside his brain. ‘Hold on, mate, we’ll get help.’ Ron ran to the door and Harry could hear him call out for Hermione. 

‘Hermione, quick go get help, something’s wrong.’ 

‘Should I go get Snape?’ She asked worriedly from the stairs outside the dorm.

‘Yeah get Snape, but hurry.’ Ron urged, ‘Run’ he called after her before racing back to Harry. ‘Don’t worry mate, Hermione is going to get Snape, just hold on.’ 

Harry couldn’t control the whimpers that were escaping with each breath, he threw an arm over his eyes, which he felt were wet with tears. 

‘Come on mate, what’s going on? What do you need?’ Ron asked desperately. 

‘What’s going on?’ A new voice asked from the doorway.

‘I don’t know, it’s his head, he said it was just a headache. Hermione is getting help. Can you make sure no one else comes up?’ 

‘Of course, the common room is pretty much empty, everyone has gone down to dinner.’ 

‘Okay, thanks Neville.’ Ron sat on the edge of Harry’s bed placing a reassuring hand on his friend’s shoulder. ‘How ya going mate?’ Ron asked as Harry grew quiet. 

‘I don’t know what’s happening.’ Harry choked. 

‘It’s alright, it’ll be alright.’

‘Where’s Snape?’ 

‘He’s coming, don’t worry.’ 

As if on cue, the boys heard the sound of footsteps ascending the stairs. Snape burst into the dormitory followed closely by Lupin and Hermione. The potions master quickly assessed the situation as he approached the bed, Lupin and Hermione both staying back letting Snape take charge. 

‘Can you hear me Potter?’ 

‘Mmm.’ Harry hummed the affirmative. 

Snape waved his wand in a complex sequence, performing diagnostic charms. He gently pulled Harry’s arm away from his head. ‘I need you to open your eyes.’ When Harry didn’t obey or respond, Snape gently pried open one of his eyes. Harry cried out in pain as the light hit his pupil and sent a bolt of lightning through his brain. He instinctively brought his hands up again to grasp his head, his face scrunched in pain as he suppressed the sobs fighting to escape. Before Harry could register what was happening he lurched over the side of the bed and threw up, thankfully away from his teacher and friend. Snape pulled back the bed covers that were tangled around Harry’s body as he continued to be sick, allowing him to free his limbs for stability. 

Harry’s whole body convulsed with each heave, the movement causing flashes of white light behind his closed eyes. By the time Harry felt he could safely sit back, his face was wet with hot tears and the pain had only increased from the bout of violent movement. 

‘What did you do?’ Harry whispered helplessly, it was barely loud enough for Snape to hear, but he did. 

‘We need to get him to the hospital wing.’ Snape instructed Lupin. Following Snapes lead, Lupin helped to gently lift Harry from the bed. Harry hung limply between the two men, an arm around each of their shoulders, his professors taking all his weight. The ordeal sent Harry to the edge of unconsciousness and he hoped that he would just pass out. 

Snape and Lupin got Harry down into the gryffindor common room where they could floo directly to the hospital wing. Catching their reflection in the window, Snape couldn’t help but notice Harry’s incredibly frail frame, the boy in only his underwear couldn’t hide the clear effects of malnutrition. Snape mentally put it on the list of things to deal with at a later time. 

Harry had the awareness that he was in the hospital wing, he could hear a discussion occurring beside him, but couldn’t quite catch on to what was happening. 

‘What on earth is going on?’ 

‘I’d like to know the same thing.’

‘Show some mercy and just sedate him, the time for explanations will come.’ 

Harry soon felt his body become light and airy, like he was floating and then the sweet release of darkness came. 

_______________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_____________________________

‘You lied to me.’

Harry slowly pried open his heavy eyes to the deep staccato tone of his professor’s voice. Turning his head to the side he could make out Snape’s figure, dark against the bright morning light. 

‘Where am I?’ Harry asked, his voice hoarse. 

‘You are in the hospital wing.’ 

‘Oh.’ Harry looked thoughtfully at the high ceiling, ‘again?’

‘Mmm, one more visit before semesters up and you get a free hat.’ 

Harry turned back to look at Snape, ‘did you just make a joke? Perhaps you should also be admitted.’ 

‘Perhaps.’ Snape chuckled. 

Harry looked back up at the ceiling in disbelief. ‘About the headache right?’ Harry asked quietly.

‘I’m sorry?’

‘That’s what you were talking about right? I lied to you about the headache.’ 

‘Yes, you lied to me about the headache.’ 

‘So what happened?’ 

‘You’re brain went into meltdown mode, it was trying to fight itself. A delayed reaction to the legilimency, it was detecting a foreign entity days after the fact and without anything to actually attack it began attacking itself.’ Snape paused, allowing Harry to digest the information. ‘The sedation allowed your brain a chance to reset itself, it also saved you from enduring the pain any longer. Had I known it wasn’t a simple headache, we could have done that hour earlier, you would have avoided experiencing any of that.’ 

‘You could have told me that instead of being all weird and freaking me out.’ 

‘Excuse me?’ Snape wasn’t mad, he just wasn’t familiar with being spoken to so candidly by students. 

‘Actually, you could have told me a lot of things. I feel like I agreed to the whole legilimency thing without any idea of what I was in for. I mean, don’t get me wrong I am thankful for how much it helped but I’ve spent pretty much all the time since it happened, being worried about what else it might have done.’ 

‘I suppose that is a fair point. We can discuss this further at a later time, for now you should rest. You have been excused from classes today, I will return this evening.’ Snape rose from the chair beside Harry’s bed and swept from the room without another word.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... umm.. I'm really sorry this update took so long. Thanks to everyone who is still reading xx

Harry stared up at the high ceilings of the hospital wing, the bright sun sending light dancing through the rafters. The faint sound of pained rattling breaths reached Harry’s ears and he turned his head to see a curtained off bed nearby. Curiosity sparked in his brain and he slowly sat up, the hospital wing was otherwise empty, he strained his ears for a clue as to who might be in the bed hidden by the curtain. 

‘Help -’ the quiet whisper floated to Harry. Unsure if it was a desperate plea Harry didn’t move, he just sat on his bed waiting for more. 

‘Please, someone help.’ the voice was louder now, strained as if unable to clearly vocalise. 

Harry slid his legs off the side of the bed and walked slowly towards the curtain, a sense of foreboding creeping in, the room seemed to grow darker, colder and yet the desperate cries continued. Hesitating with his arm outstretched, another quiet cry for help spurred Harry to pull back the curtain. Harry froze at the sight, he looked down at the bed to see it was occupied by himself, there he was soaking wet, white as a corpse, gasping for breath. 

‘Help - please, help me, I-’ the terrifying apparition of himself gasped out, reaching a bruised hand to him. Harry leapt back, out of reach. As though this angered the being before him, it morphed slowly into something hideous, an awful conglomeration of many faces before settling on the form of his cousin. 

‘You wanna know what I learned in school today?’ Chimed his cousin in mock innocence, as he slowly stood and closed the distance between them. ‘I learned how to tell if someone is a witch.’ 

Harry turned to run, but as he did the hospital wing disappeared and he found himself standing in a field not far from 4 Privet Dr, he stood before a small lake full of murky brown water coated in a layer of green algae. He tried to run but it was like moving through molasses. 

‘Apparently a witch will survive being held underwater, whereas an innocent person will drown.’ Dudley looked at his cousin with a dark grin. ‘Good thing I know you, I can test it out for myself.’ A huge arm swung down over Harry’s back, pushing him into the water, Dudley waded in after Harry using his size to his advantage as pushed Harry down to completely submerge him, holding his shoulders tight as he fought to reach the surface. 

Harry used all his might to push against the strong hands holding him under the water but to no avail. As he fought, he lost his footing, falling deeper into the dark water and succumbing to full blown panic. His chest heaved with the need for air and he took in a gasping breath, instead of the feeling of water rushing into his lungs Harry opened his eyes to the familiar sight of the hospital wing. Pushing against the strong hands on his shoulders he sat bolt upright gasping for breath. 

‘Relax, just breathe. You’re alright -’ the soft mutterings of his potions professor brought him back to reality. Still trying to rein in his terror, Harry reached up to push the man's hands off his shoulders, the placement all too familiar. Snape didn’t hesitate and quickly broke the contact, waiting patiently for Harry to calm down. 

‘It was just a nightmare, you are safe here.’ Snape offered as he stepped back and sat down in the chair beside the bed. Harry looked over at the man, only just realising that sunlight did not illuminate the room. 

‘What time is it?’ Harry asked, bringing his hands up to his aching head. 

‘It’s just gone seven pm. Do you have a headache?’ Severus asked, concerned by the boy’s movements. 

‘Yeah.’ Harry sighed, slowly bringing his hands back down to his lap. ‘It’s not bad, it feels different to last night.’ 

‘It’s been two days since you first arrived here, you have just slept uninterrupted for almost 36 hours.’ 

‘We spoke this morning.’ Harry looked at Snape questioningly. 

‘We spoke yesterday morning.’ Snape stated, ‘it’s good, it will have helped your recovery.’ He added as he saw Harry’s brows furrow. He continued when Harry didn’t speak, ‘the headache you are currently suffering from is probably caused by your extended sleep, perhaps some slight dehydration.’ Snape stood and poured Harry a large glass of water from the pitcher beside his bed. Harry drank slowly, still feeling out of sorts. 

‘That appeared to be quite an intense dream.’ Severus commented casually. 

‘It felt so real.’ Harry muttered quietly. 

‘Care to share?’ 

Harry remained silent for a long while, recounting the dream, the panic, the pain. ‘No.’ 

‘Was it based on a memory?’ Severus inquired. The way Harry’s eyes shot to the man, told him it was. ‘That’s not surprising, a lot of memories will have been dredged up by the commotion in your mind.’ 

Harry didn’t respond, lost in his own thoughts, the memory of the incident at the lake played over in his mind's eye. It was one of the few times that the Dursley’s had been forced to take Harry to the hospital, while Dudley had not been so much as scolded there had been deep concern etched into his Aunts face as Harry had struggled to breathe hours later. Harry wasn’t naive enough to believe the worry was anything other than self serving, it would be horrendously inconvenient for Harry to die on their watch. Dudley had been the cause of another hospital visit when they were much younger, he had pushed Harry off a hay bail they had been climbing while visiting a local farm. Harry had landed on his arm breaking the bone in two places, his hand had been bent at an unnatural angle which ensured the injury could not be ignored. 

‘You should eat, I’ll have something brought up.’ Snape’s words cut through the silence, Harry had almost forgotten the man was there. 

Harry’s stomach turned at the idea of food, the previously suppressed memories whisking away any appetite. Harry turned and slowly returned his half emptied glass of water to the bedside table before lying back onto the pillow. ‘I don’t feel well, I’m just gonna sleep,’ Harry said as he turned onto his side away from Snape. 

Snape, about to argue, let the words die on his lips. He himself was familiar with nightmares, and had he been the one to suffer one as severe as what he had just witnessed he probably wouldn’t be keen on eating either. He was getting to know Harry well enough that he could tell this was not an act of insolence or defiance, in fact he was starting to realise just how much they actually had in common. Snape sat back into the chair by the bed, not quite ready to depart. Watching the boys form he eventually saw his breathing even out indicating that he had in fact fallen back to sleep. He couldn’t help but wonder if he had only made things more difficult, perhaps all he had done was switch one battle out with another. He knew that forgotten memories could surface again after his session in the boy's mind but it wasn’t until he was in there and got glimpses and impressions of the vile and monstrous behaviour of the boy's guardians did he realise how painful remembering might be for the child. Although he tried not to let his mind linger on what he believed the situation was with Harry’s family, he assumed the worst, what he really needed was for the boy to enlighten him, to willingly speak to him about it. Suddenly turned off eating dinner himself, Snape retired to his quarters. 

_________________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_____________________________ 

‘How are you feeling?’ Madam Pomphrey asked as Harry finished off his breakfast. He had practically licked the plates clean as he sat up in the hospital bed. 

‘Good, I feel fine.’ He nodded energetically, he had woken that morning feeling right as rain, as if nothing had even happened. 

‘How’s your head? Any pain?’ She asked, looking over a piece of parchment from her diagnostic charm. 

‘No, not at all. It feels normal.’ He looked at her hopefully, he was feeling very eager to leave the hospital wing, and prayed she would allow him to return to his dormitory. When she turned to leave without saying anything, he called, ‘so can I go now?’ 

Poppy turned back to the boy with a sigh, ‘lets monitor you for another hour and then we may discuss returning to your usual schedule.’ She left with a nod, leaving no room for argument. 

Harry figured even with another hour stuck in bed, he would still have time to get back to Gryffindor tower and shower before classes. 

Lost in thought as he absentmindedly stared at the towering windows, Harry jumped at the sound of his name. 

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.’ Professor Lupin chuckled. Harry smiled in response as he wondered how he had not heard the man's approach. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Fine.’ Harry forced a tight lipped grin, he was oddly annoyed by the question but couldn’t quite work out why. As if noticing Harry’s withdrawn nature, Lupin decided to skip the small talk and get to the point. 

‘Look, I’m not sure what exactly has been going on the last couple of weeks but I do know about the constant meetings with Professor Snape and I can only assume that this incident was in some way related to him. While I have not been made privy to the information, Professor Snape and Professor Dumbledore did have a long meeting regarding the situation and while the headmaster has assured me everything is under control, I want you to know that I am here if you want to talk about it.’ When Harry didn’t respond the man continued, ‘Professor Snape is a trusted teacher here at Hogwarts and I am sure that your wellbeing is a priority, however I do know how quickly things can get out of hand.’ Lupin gave Harry a meaningful look. 

‘Sorry Sir, I’m not sure I understand what you are getting at here.’ 

‘I’m just trying to make sure you put your trust in the right people and if you are going to Professor Snape for consul, I wanted you to know that I am also here and ready to help. My door is always open for James’s son.’ Lupin smiled kindly. 

‘With all due respect professor, I barely know you.’ Harry shrugged dismissively. If this man was so close to his father and so willing to be a source of comfort to Harry, he couldn’t help but wonder why the first time he had met Remus was on a train only a couple of months prior. His professor looked hurt by the notion, however he quickly brushed it off and politely took his leave. 

Harry had always liked Lupin and he wasn’t sure exactly where this animosity that he felt was coming from, but figured when you grow up with no one and suddenly someone comes along claiming to care you begin to wonder what the conditions are. He sure could have used this support when he was locked in a dark cupboard under a set of stairs feeling completely alone in the world. 

_________________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_____________________________ 

It felt good to be back in class, it seemed the other students were getting familiar with Harry’s random unexplained absences and they paid little mind to his return. After filling Ron and Hermione in, they were both sceptical of the trust Harry continued to hold in Snape, but Harry assured himself that they just didn’t know the man like he did. He had known plenty of adults in his life that he could not or should not have trusted, and his gut instinct told him that Snape was not one of those adults. The more time he spent with the man, the more Harry got the impression that he may be the one person in this castle that could understand what he was dealing with. He knew that Snape would never lie to him, never fill his head with empty promises or temporary comforts, Harry knew that’s what he needed. 

Harry spent the entire herbology lesson thoroughly confused, they had moved onto a new topic and he prayed that this wouldn’t be the case in all his subjects. After a reassuring word from Professor Sprout that he would catch up in no time, and an assigned essay to cover what he had missed, Harry was sure that it was going to be a stressful week. 

Much to his dismay, his other classes followed the same pattern. Feeling way out of his depth, Harry trudged down to the dungeons for their final class of the day. After making brief eye contact over lunch the potions professor was not surprised to see him walk into the potions lab. 

‘Over here Mr Potter.’ Snape ordered, motioning to a desk near the front of the room.   
Unlike the other desks in the classroom that simply contained a cauldron, this desk had several ingredients lined up and a few pieces of parchment with his Professor's unmistakable penmanship. Harry stood behind the desk looking curiously at the layout but received no further instruction. Snape began the class, setting the students to work on the latest tonic before standing before Harry. 

‘Due to your extensive absences, we will attempt to cover the work of several classes. In the interest of time, I have prepared your ingredients and provided summarized notes. I expect you to complete the entire restoration potion before the end of class, read the notes in place of the usual preparatory essay. Questions?’ Snape maintained his usual foreboding presence with an air of disinterest that Harry knew was nothing but a facade. 

‘No Sir.’ Harry got to work, relieved at the normalcy. With a determination he had never had in a potions class, Harry worked relentlessly on his potion. The hard work paid off as he completed the restoration potion, having studied Snape's notes and even completing some reading on the subject in his textbook. Feeling accomplished and in control for the first time that day, Harry ended the class with a smile. Harry never would have guessed that of all his teachers Snape would be the most helpful when it came to catching up on what he had missed, then again, perhaps Snape just felt somewhat responsible. 

Harry once again assumed the continuation of their sessions and remained behind after class. Harry slowly cleared away his workspace as the last of the students left the potions classroom and Snape organised himself at his desk. Something caught Harry’s eye in the potions textbook and he found himself absorbed in the paragraph. 

‘How was your return to classes?’ The low voice of his professor cut through the silence.

Harry looked up from the book, ‘it was good. I’ve missed so much though, I’ve been given heaps of extra homework to catch up.’ Harry’s eyes shot down to his book again, ‘Sir.. do you know why there is such a severe adverse reaction when specific species of falcon wings are used in restoration potions?’ he asked curiously. 

‘Well, unlike most common falcons, there are some species that are more closely related to owls, the owls that are found in the wizarding world that is. These falcons can enhance the magic of spells and as such have an undesired effect in reversal potions.’

‘Wait, so the owls we have as pets and in the owlery… they’re magical?’ Harry asked in bewilderment.

‘I think in muggle fiction they refer to them as familiars.’ Snape answered, amused. ‘Did you think all owls were just that obedient?’ 

‘Well.. I dunno, it’s not like I spent any time with owls before Hogwarts.’ 

With an amused smile Snape collected up a stack of parchment and motioned for Harry to follow him into his office. 

Setting the parchment down on his desk, Snape conjured up another worktable. ‘Since you have so much work to do, we may as well put this time to good use, once you are all caught up we can return to other matters.’ 

Harry looked awkwardly at the second desk, ‘oh, I can just do that in Gryffindor tower… leave you in peace.’ 

‘Believe it or not, my knowledge does extend past potions. The study time will be halved if I am here to assist.’ Snape motioned to the desk. 

Harry couldn’t argue with that logic, and he knew he would get a lot more work done here without any distractions. ‘Thank you sir.’ Harry sat behind the desk and pulled his book bag up onto his lap, fishing out his herbology books. 

Harry shouldn’t have been surprised to find that Snape was such a good teacher, he supposed he had never really had one on one tutoring but found he was picking up concepts faster than he did with his normal teachers. They fell into a comfortable rhythm, Snape marking papers but Harry speaking up when he came across anything he didn’t quite understand. 

Harry hadn’t even realised how much time had passed, so focussed on the work before him, spurred on by his own high level of productivity. He had finished both his Herbology work and his Charms work and was nearly finished catching up in Transfiguration. Harry didn’t notice when Snape stood from his desk and walked around behind Harry, the man peered over his shoulder at what he was writing. Snape reached down a hand to point out a mistake on Harry’s parchment, so caught up in his work Harry flinched at the movement. Snape froze. Harry lowered his arm and raised his head back up slowly, the blood rushing to his cheeks, the embarrassment sinking in. Harry let out a breathy chuckle, trying to play it off. 

Snape pulled his arm back, ‘it’s late, you’ve worked hard enough tonight. You should go, go get some dinner.’

‘I’m nearly finished with this part.’ Harry gestured to his work. 

‘We can continue tomorrow.’ Snape said monotonously. 

Harry nodded and collected his things. Slinging his book bag over his shoulder he made his way to the door, turning back he said quietly, ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to..’ 

‘I would never hurt a student …’ Snape looked up to meet Harry’s eyes, ‘I would never hurt you.’ 

‘I know.’ Harry said reassuringly, trying to hide his uncomfort at the implications of Snape's words. He turned and left, closing the office door behind him. 

Snape sunk down into Harry’s vacated seat, running his hands through his hair with a sigh.


	17. Chapter 17

The next morning Harry woke feeling groggy and poorly rested, his night had been filled with images of his cousin and the gang of boys that would torment him, his uncle purple in the face with anger, the curl of his Aunt's lip as she pulled back the cast iron frying pan. He felt trapped in a loop, the whole night through, unsure whether he experienced any deep sleep at all. 

Walking like a zombie through his morning, the echoes of his dreams and the memories they conjured followed him through the day. Many of his teachers were pleased with the progress he had made overnight and he felt grateful for the time and effort Snape had put towards helping him catch up, knowing he couldn’t have achieved it alone. 

As he sat at lunch, trying not to fall asleep in his soup, Hermione talked him through her defense notes from the last couple of days. He hadn’t told anyone about his interaction with Lupin but he was beginning to feel a little nervous about seeing him. Harry hadn’t meant to be rude, he would never wish to be disrespectful to the man, but he had not appreciated the overall tone of the conversation. 

Already excelling at Defense Harry didn’t miss out on too much and had returned just in time for the new topic. Professor Lupin gave a captivating lecture on Boggarts and Harry was excited to hear they would be given the chance to face one during the next class. 

‘Harry.’ Professor Lupin called as the students were dismissed. Harry stopped and turned back to his teacher, unsurprised by the summons. Lupin walked around the front of his desk, leaning back on it casually. ‘I just wanted to apologise if I crossed a boundary yesterday. It was not my intention.’ 

Harry stood awkwardly, unsure how to respond. Lupin continued, ‘I knew your parents well and I’m sorry it took so long for us to meet again. There are just so many things you’re yet to understand. It was a crazy time after… well after… that night.’ He finished unsurely. 

Harry furrowed his brows in annoyed confusion, ‘okay’ he spat bluntly. He didn’t wait to see his professors reaction before walking out of the classroom. Where did that man get off, apologising for crossing boundaries then casually throwing around the fact that he was friends with his parents. Perhaps if Lupin had intervened earlier, Harry would have been desperate for a mentor, for someone to care, but the man hadn’t. Snape had, and Snape didn’t try to fill Harry’s head with stories of his dead parents, Snape never once expected Harry to be anything other than a lazy, bratty child. The way Lupin looks at him, Harry knows he is looking for his late friends, but he is looking for people Harry never knew. 

Rushing up the stairs to the astronomy tower, Harry hoped he wouldn’t be late for divination. He grumbled to himself the whole way up, mulling over in his mind at how annoyingly friendly Lupin always was, and how he wasn’t a child, he didn’t need the man to coddle him. He had dealt with a lot of crap growing up with the Dursleys, a lot of which he was only remembering now, he got through that fine, why would he need Lupin now. Plus, if Lupin was such great friends with his parents, why would he let Harry end up there in the first place. Harry had to stop his mental rant and calm himself down as he reached the divination classroom. 

Divination was another class that he hadn’t fallen behind in, which Harry felt summed up the subject very well. His classmates were already settled at their tables but Harry was able to sneak in and take his place next to Ron without being noticed by professor Trelawney. 

‘All good?’ Ron whispered

‘Yeah, Lupin just needs to mind his own business.’ Harry scoffed. 

‘Really?’ Confusion in Ron’s voice, ‘I really like him.’ 

‘Yeah … so did I.’ Harry replied, rolling his eyes. 

It looked like Ron wanted to question him further, but explanations would have to wait because professor Trelawney was now going around the room and rubbing what appeared to be some sort of oil on everyone's foreheads. 

‘This will open your third eye, it will grant many of you greater vision, it will allow you to look forward down your own timeline.’ Their professor cooed. 

Harry scrunched his nose at the pungent smell of the oil as it was swiped across his head, he then watched in amusement as Ron tried to dodge Trelawney’s hand, a look of unbridled disgust on his face. 

Professor Trelawney talked the class through a meditation, they sat, eyes closed, in silence as each of them tried to get a glimpse of the unknown. Harry had never been very good at clearing his mind and found himself getting distracted from the task at hand. He tried to focus on his breathing but then found himself thinking about his panic attack and how it had felt near impossible to draw in breath, this in turn led to him thinking about the escaped prisoners and about how he had been so afraid. He wasn’t afraid anymore, he knew he was safe at Hogwarts, but he only knew this because of Snape and the legilimency. So now Harry was focused on legilimency instead of his breathing. In his mind's eye, Harry saw himself at Hogwarts, alone, all the other students gone for the holidays. He imagined walking down to the dungeons in search of Snape, walking straight through the open door to the man's quarters. Confused, Harry pulled himself away from the train of thought, he couldn’t really connect the dots as to how he arrived at this imagined scenario. Perhaps it was the future and this stinking oil actually worked, Harry laughed to himself, no, he had felt in control of that situation, he could have imagined anything if he had wanted to. Harry spent the remainder of his time imagining ridiculous scenarios in his mind, a dragon flying down and biting his head off, walking through the great hall and being struck dead by lightning from the enchanted ceiling, his boggart turning into a small insect.

‘Did you see anything?’ Harry asked Ron on their way out of the classroom.

‘Of course not.’ He scoffed. ‘Do you have to go and see Snape again?’

‘Yeah, I’m going to go straight down.’ 

‘Okay, see you at dinner yeah?’ Ron asked as he headed off in the direction of Gryffindor tower.

‘Yeah.’ Harry called back as he continued in the opposite direction. 

_________________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_____________________________ 

‘Looks like you’re fairly caught up.’ Snape commented as Harry packed away his Transfiguration book. 

‘Yeah, thanks for the help.’ Harry pulled out his Defense textbook. Snape responded with a slight nod of his head. Feeling confident that Snape had forgotten their silly little interaction the day before, Harry decided to push his luck. ‘Sir, how do you know what a boggart will turn into?’ 

Snape looked up from the papers he was grading, ‘well they typically turn into what you most fear, irrational or not.’ 

‘What if you’re not sure what that is?’

‘You don’t have a greatest fear?’ Snape asked curiously.

‘Not one that immediately comes to mind, I mean I am scared of a lot of things but I’m just trying to figure out what my boggart will turn into.’ 

‘You are going to face an actual boggart? In Professor Lupin’s class?’ Snape sounded surprised. 

‘Well, yeah. Is that bad?’

‘No, it could be a very beneficial exercise, I just didn’t think Remus would do that to his beloved students.’

‘What? Make them face their fear?’ Harry asked, confused. 

‘No, make them expose their deepest fears in front of their peers. That seems fairly cruel even to me.’ 

Harry pondered on this, before breaking the silence once again, ‘what if my boggart turns into Lord Voldemort?’ 

Snape did not flinch at the name like most people would. When he spoke, his words were slow and calculated, ‘is the Dark Lord what you fear most?’

‘I don’t know, it seems like he should be.’ Harry shrugged. 

‘Perhaps it would be best for Remus to exclude you from this particular task, given the circumstances.’ 

‘I could ask.’ Harry turned back to his work, effectively ending the conversation. 

‘I doubt you need to worry, Professor Lupin is a good teacher, you can trust him not to let things get out of hand.’ Snape said sincerely. 

Harry looked up but Snape's attention was already back on the work before him. Harry couldn’t help but draw a parallel between what Lupin had said about Snape and in turn what Snape had said about Lupin. 

_________________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOo_____________________________ 

When the time came, Harry couldn’t work up the gall to express his concerns to his professor and instead stood quietly in line as the boggart transformed from a spider to a clown to a dark abyss and then a great cavern. Many muggle borns would find their boggart changing into something akin to the monsters Harry had seen in the horror movies Dudley and his friends would be too frightened to watch in the dark. What appeared before the class was in no doubt frightening, but it did nothing to give Harry any idea what to expect. He tried to come up with an idea he could fall back on just in case his boggart turned into Voldemort, or perhaps it would be one of the escaped death eaters, he even thought of what he could imagine if the boggart became one of the dark dementors that still roamed the school grounds. Now at the front of the line, he stood before a small puppy that had moments before been a great snarling wolf, Harry waited for the boggart to transform, it were as if time stood still, surely this was the most terrifying thing, the anticipation, just waiting to be faced with your greatest fear. Harry felt as prepared as he could be, he was sorted into Gryffindor after all, a house known for their courage and strength. The boggart remained formless for some time, Harry was sure it was taking longer than it had for the other students, he gripped his wand firmly in front of himself, the spell tickling his tongue. 

His heart stopped, his breath hitched, his wand arm faltered. The students behind him started whispering in confusion, Harry didn’t pay them any mind, his attention was focussed on the man standing before him. Vernon Dursley, or at least the boggart version of the man, looked around the room suspiciously, an evil grin gracing his face as his eyes landed on Harry, he started to slowly stroll towards the boy. 

‘The spell Harry … riddikulus.’ Lupin urged, concern clear in his voice. Harry just continued to stare at the man, seemingly unable to move. ‘Cast the charm Harry.’ Lupin instructed more forcefully this time. 

‘Riddikulus.’ Harry called feebly, as he aimed his wand at his uncle. Nothing happened, his uncle continued to close the distance between them, Harry took a few stumbling steps backwards, knocking into Dean behind him, who in turn knocked into Lavender causing a sort of domino effect down the line. The eye contact between Harry and the boggart was broken as Lupin stepped in front of him, Harry saw his uncle disappear and the boggart once again became a formless mass. He turned and rushed from the classroom, keeping his eyes fixed on the floor. 

Harry could hear Ron calling his name as he followed after him, but he continued straight into the boys bathroom. Harry gripped the sides of the sink, trying to ground himself again, he felt like he could be sick, so he hung his head and took deep breaths. Ron pushed open the door to the bathroom, ‘Harry, are you good mate?’

Harry splashed his face with some cold water which seemed to bring him back to himself a bit. ‘Yeah, yeah, I’m good.’

‘Well what the hell was that in there then?’ Ron exclaimed.

‘I was just surprised.’ Harry muttered, pushing past Ron to walk back out into the corridor. 

‘That was your uncle, yeah?’ Ron asked, his tone soft. 

‘Yeah.’ Harry leaned against the wall not ready to return to class yet. 

Ron leant on the wall next to him, ‘was it because of how he locked you up in your room and stuff.’ 

‘I’m not scared of him, which is why I was so surprised. I guess the Dursleys were just on my mind or something.’ 

‘Oh right yeah, that’s probably it, it probably happens when you don’t have a major irrational fear or something.’ Ron suggested uncomfortably. 

The two stood in silence for a while, ‘Should we head back in?’ Ron asked after a few minutes. 

‘You go, can you bring my books back to the common room? I don’t really want to go back.’ Harry started slowly walking backwards down the corridor away from the classroom. 

Hoping that classes were nearly finished for the day Harry headed straight down to the dungeons. He was immediately hit by how quiet it was and when he poked his head through the open door was unsurprised to find the classroom empty. 

‘Mr Potter.’ Snape’s cold drawl startled Harry and he spun around on his heels to face the man. ‘You’re early. Shouldn’t you still be in class?’ Snape asked coolly. 

Harry just stared at his teacher, his thoughts racing. ‘My b-boggart...’ he stuttered, ‘it, um, it was my uncle.’ Harry kept eye contact with his professor as his heart raced. 

With a pained and understanding look, Snape simply nodded and swept out a caped arm motioning to his office.


	18. Chapter 18

Harry regretted saying anything the moment the words had left his mouth, shame, guilt and embarrassment all fought to take the spotlight in his mind. He sat on the couch in Snape’s office, the man in an armchair that he had conjured nearby, both sat in silence.

‘I, um, I think that it was just a mistake. Maybe the boggart just got confused.’ Harry said lamely.

‘Why do you think it was a mistake?’ Snape's words were calm, emotionless.

‘I’m not scared of my uncle.’ Harry said firmly, meeting Snape’s eyes as if to hone in the point.

‘So why do you think that the form the boggart adopted?’

‘I don’t know, he was probably just on my mind.’ Harry shrugged, occupying his fingers with the frayed edges of his sleeve.

‘Any particular reason for this?’ Snape continued to question.

Harry thought about this for a moment, ‘I guess just from all the memories.’

‘Memories of you uncle?’ Snape remained impartial, he refused to jump to conclusions, he would need to hear it all from the boy.

‘Yeah, just from Privet drive.’

Snape knew he had to be patient, he had been here, in this situation with many of his snakes before. It would never not make his blood boil, and yet he understood the importance of ensuring a calm environment. ‘What sort of memories?’ He prompted when the boy didn’t continue.

Harry didn’t speak, he knew what Snape was asking, he knew the answers. They both knew why they were there and yet it still had to be said. Harry couldn’t bring himself to say it, once he verbalised it, there was no taking it back. He knew the time was now, but he didn’t even know what to say.

‘In the hospital wing, your nightmare, you said it was a memory. What happened then?’ Snape could tell that Harry needed a more specific question. Something to get the ball rolling.

Harry took a deep breath before answering. ‘It was my cousin, Dudley. He is a lot bigger than me you see, and sometimes he gets bored. Well, this one day I was just walking by a lake and he wanted to test if I was a witch or not by holding me under the water.’ Harry’s tone was light and casual.

‘He tried to drown you?’ Snape asked, raising an eyebrow.

‘Well, he did stop eventually, obviously.’ Harry gestured to his own presence, as proof he didn’t drown. ‘Not until after I had inhaled a lung full of water though.’ He added thoughtfully. ‘It felt like I was still drowning, hours later. My Aunt and Uncle had to take me to the hospital, I guess it wouldn’t have been a good look to have me leaving the house in a body bag.’ Harry laughed.

Snape did not share his amusement. ‘Did your cousin do this sort of thing regularly?’

‘No, nothing that bad. He and his friends would just annoy me sometimes.’

‘Was he ever punished for his behaviour?’

Harry laughed, ‘oh no, not their precious duddykins.’

‘What about you? Were you ever punished?’ Snape asked, he was struggling to find the right pace here, he couldn’t quite feel out how hard to push. Harry’s mood was still light, his tone conversational, however Snape knew that this could potentially mean that Harry didn’t even fully understand the situation.

‘All. The. Time. Once I accidentally broke one of Aunt Petunia's fine serving platters and she hit me over the head with a frying pan.’ Harry spoke as if it were just another funny story to share between friends. He went quiet as if remembering the day, then without any hint of amusement he continued. ‘It must have been pretty hard because after I got up I was sick all over her floor, I was locked away in my cupboard after I cleaned it up.’ His voice had grown quiet.

Severus didn’t even know where to begin, there was so much to unpack in that story. He fought to keep his face neutral, but his stomach roiled at the confession. ‘Was that the only time your Aunt hit you?’ he asked, forcing calmness.

Harry looked up, surprised by the question. He hadn’t quite understood what he had just admitted and now it was too late, it was out there. Harry’s chest suddenly felt tight, and the office started to feel really small. ‘Um, no she didn’t hit me. I was just kidding.’ Harry spat out quickly.

Snape knew it was a lie, it wasn’t uncommon for the young students to regret speaking of these things and try to backtrack. They had been conditioned to never speak of the neglect and abuse they suffered and would often panic when the truth started getting told.

‘This is a safe space Harry, it is just the two of us, you may speak freely.’ Snape knew it was cliché but it never hurt to reinforce the message.

‘Oh no, it’s fine, nothing happened. Sorry, it wasn’t a funny joke.’ Harry was panicked now; he knew he sounded frantic but couldn’t help it.

‘It’s okay.’ Snape said reassuringly. Harry looked at him curiously. ‘I’ve seen these things, in your mind, I know they happened.’ Snape explained. While he had not seen these instances, he had seen enough to understand why Harry’s boggart would take the form of his uncle.

‘Please don’t tell them’ Harry begged. Snape furrowed his brows in confusion. The boy was clearly distressed, he was no longer making any sense.

‘Tell who Harry?’ Snape asked, not bothering to mask the concern in his voice. Harry just looked at him blankly, as if he were as confused as his professor. Harry opened and closed his mouth as if trying to speak but not finding any words. ‘Right now, this will all stay between us.’ Snape knew that this situation could not be kept between the two of them, however there would be time for that conversation later. Snape watched Harry go through a range of emotions as he sat silently processing the situation. Slowly Harry’s body began to relax slightly, his breaths coming easier even though he was feeling terrible.

‘I know why my boggart turned into my uncle.’ Harry said finally, avoiding eye contact.

Snape nodded in understanding. ‘Who else knows?’

‘About what?’ Harry mumbled; his eyes fixed on his sleeves.

‘About the abuse, Harry.’ Snape said firmly, perhaps a slower pace would be beneficial to most students, but he knew Harry, ever the Gryffindor, could handle the cold hard truth.

Harry’s stomach rolled at the word, and he cringed slightly. He wanted to argue, to explain that it wasn’t that bad, but being so far away from his relatives his fear was turning to anger and his anger could handle that word. ‘No one.’ He said clearly, confidently. Harry raised his eyes to meet his professors.

Snape knew that look, that look would usually annoy him to no end, however now, the defiance and strength was something to be admired. It was then, that Snape knew Harry would be okay. ‘Do you understand what we have to do?’ Snape asked.

‘No.’ Harry replied honestly.

‘We will need to document what went on while you lived at 4 Privet drive, it doesn’t have to be me you share it with.’ Still unsure about Harry’s trust in him, Snape wanted to be clear that Harry could seek the support of another Hogwarts teacher.

‘This arrangement is fine.’ Harry knew that if Snape didn’t want to help him, he would say as much, so the offer of talking to someone else was purely for his sake.

‘Very well, would you like to continue?’

‘No, not tonight.’ Harry didn’t know how many secrets he could let loose in one day. Just the resolution to do something about it felt like enough of an accomplishment.

__________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo__________________________

While his dreams were once again plagued by nightmares, this time, they were memories mingled with the warped, looming beings only seen in the most frightening horror movies. Harry was beginning to see that learning to fight a boggart was a challenge far greater than simply learning to cast a spell. He was sure that more than a few of his fellow classmates would have had trouble sleeping deeply after that class. Harry had wanted to put off facing his classmates and Snape had let him stay in his office completing where he worked on his assignments. At this rate, Harry was sure to become a top student, too frightened of Snape’s wrath to procrastinate, and too ashamed to spend time relaxing with his friends.

  
Thankfully it seemed Harry had somewhat overacted, people were too concerned with their own boggarts to have paid any mind to his. Most students wrote it off as a character from a muggle movie or something, and Ron and Hermione were kind enough not to press the issue as to why his uncle was what he most feared. It seemed the only person who really cared was Malfoy.

  
‘I too am terrified of fat old ugly men.’ Draco had announced loudly to his friends as he passed the Gryffindor table at breakfast.

  
‘Ignore him.’ Ron had advised with a huff.

  
Now instead of walking to lunch with his friends, Harry stood outside Professor Lupin's office.

  
‘Harry, I’m glad you got the message. Come on in.’ Lupin said as he opened the door and gestured into his office. Harry walked in and took the seat that was offered. Lupin took a seat behind his desk. ‘Do you care to explain what happened yesterday?’

  
‘Oh...um’ Harry looked down at his shoes awkwardly, not completely sure which part of the day Lupin was referencing.

  
‘You cannot just leave class without permission Harry. I do keep a fairly casual classroom environment compared to some of the other professors but we still have rules.’ Lupin was firm, but not angry.

  
‘I’m sorry sir.’ Harry wasn’t sure what else to say.

  
‘What was so important, that you had to leave without a word?’ Lupin’s face softened slightly. Harry guessed that he was going to escape without a lecture.

  
‘I was just a bit shaken after the boggart.’

  
‘You could have discussed that with me. It is one of the challenges of fending off a boggart, as your teacher it is my job to support you all through it.’ Lupin sighed and lent back in his chair. ‘To pass the unit you will have to face it again, you are required to successfully cast the charm. There was not time to get through the whole class so you can try again next time with the other students.’

  
Harry tried not to think about facing it again, now more focussed on getting this meeting over with.

  
‘Go on, you don’t want to miss lunch. Just tell me it won’t happen again.’ Lupin nodded toward the door.

  
Harry stood from his seat, ‘Sorry sir, it won’t happen again.’

  
Lupin stopped him as he was walking out the door. ‘Who was it? Your boggart?’

  
‘It was my uncle.’ Harry called over his shoulder, he knew he couldn’t lie but he didn’t really want to offer up any more information, so as quickly as casually possible he made his way down to the great hall.

  
__________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo__________________________

  
‘I have to face the boggart again.’ Harry said relaxing back into the plush armchair in Snape’s quarters.

‘How do you feel about that?’ Snape asked.

Harry smiled and let out a breathy chuckle, he found the whole scene quite amusing, Snape sitting on the couch, holding a cup of tea.

‘What pray tell is so amusing?’ Snape raised his eyebrows in question.

‘You sound like a shrink.’ Harry laughed. Snape rolled his eyes with a small smile. ‘Um, I feel like it’s fine. I know what to expect this time.’ Harry picked up his tea from the coffee table in front of him. ‘He isn’t a nice guy, and he did some bad things, made my life harder but I honestly wouldn’t have guessed that he was my greatest fear. Anyone would be a bit scared with a man like that blundering at you in a blind rage, but I usually knew how to handle him.’ Harry shrugged.

‘How would you handle him?’ Snape asked, taking a sip of tea.

‘You know, just like knowing when to be invisible, and knowing when to be present.’

‘But that wouldn’t always work…’ Snape prompted.

‘No, I think sometimes he just wanted to be mad. Of course sometimes I couldn’t help but share my opinion on matters.’ Harry laughed.

‘Ah, yes, ever the backchatter.’ Snape kept his tone light, however Harry’s casual approach to the whole situation concerned him.

‘It was okay though. I had clothes, food and shelter. I went to school, and now I get to spend most of my time here at Hogwarts.’

‘Harry, your guardians are expected to provide more than just basic necessities. And they should never hurt you.’ Snape spat the words like venom, but it was clear the anger was not directed at the boy.

‘Why does it matter? What’s the point in even doing this when in a few months I’ll just be on the train back to them?’ Harry asked, his voice still casual.

Snape looked at him incredulously, then his face softened, more so than it had in a long time. ‘You won’t ever have to return to them. Did you really think that after all this we would send you back?’

Harry shrugged, ‘I figured Dumbledore already knew, he has been getting reports from Mrs Figgs, our neighbour, since forever.’

Snape would have to speak to Albus, surely the man wouldn’t allow a child to stay with those insufferable people if he knew of the situation. Perhaps Severus was putting too much faith in the man. He shook off the thought and tried to redirect the conversation. ‘Aside from the violence, were any other forms of punishment used by your relatives?’

‘Um... ‘ Harry thought about it. ‘Well, they would withhold food and water sometimes, like if I had chores, they would need to be completed before I was allowed to eat. Sometimes there were so many jobs to do, I wouldn’t even be able to finish in a day, but then I would just try and sneak something. Sometimes getting caught sneaking food would be worse than just going hungry though.’

‘They would deprive you of food?’ The anger that Snape had felt was morphing into shame, someone should have noticed. No wonder he was so much smaller than his classmates, and that was after months of being back at Hogwarts with steady meals.

‘I guess it doesn’t sound great when you say it out loud.’ Harry said quietly, looking down into his tea. With a breath, Harry looked up at his professor. ‘If I don’t go back to them, where will I go?’

Severus could see the fear in his eyes, of course the unknown would seem more daunting than just returning that toxic place. ‘I’m not sure, but you will be wanted and you will be safe.’ Severus thought he saw tears spring to the boys eyes, but they were blinked away before he could be sure.

Severus watched as Harry finished his tea and headed off to Gryffindor tower. Now alone, he let out a deep sigh, hanging his head as he felt a headache forming. Knowing what he needed to do, Severus prepared himself to have a very serious talk with the headmaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okey dokey, it's the final stretch my friends. Only two more chapters of this story, however there will be a series of one-shots that follow on from this in the future. Thank you so much to everyone still reading this. xx


	19. Chapter 19

‘Severus, to what do I owe the pleasure?’ Dumbledore queried, as the potions master swept up the rising stairs into his office. 

‘I’m here to talk about Harry Potter.’ Severus kept his voice even, forcing his assumptions away. 

Albus sat back in his chair, motioning for Severus to take a seat. ‘Something in particular?’ Albus chuckled. 

Severus did not humour him, and he could see the older man become somber in response to the heavy atmosphere. A veil of uncomfortable seriousness settled over the office. ‘It is about his living arrangements in Surrey, namely his guardians.’ Severus watched his companions face closely, looking for any indication that this was not a surprise. Albus merely raised his eyebrows in question, spurring Severus on. ‘It has become evident that it is a situation of abuse, physical and emotional along with severe neglect.’ Severus kept his voice even, emotionless. 

‘And Harry came to you with this?’ Albus questioned. 

‘Yes.’ Severus replied flatly. He refused to give him an explanation, he would keep this on a need to know basis for the foreseeable future. 

‘I knew your relationship was changing, however …’ Albus trailed off before finishing ‘I suppose I didn’t realise how close you had become.’ 

‘The boy needs help, he needs to be removed from their care.’ It was beginning to become clear to Severus that Harry had been right to think the headmaster was aware of the situation. Either the man thought he would be too stupid to realise or he respected him enough to not try and lie. 

‘And where would you suggest he go?’ Albus hummed, almost teasing Severus. ‘There are strong magical wards tied to that house, wards that keep him safe, safer perhaps than even Hogwarts.’ 

‘Clearly he is not safe there.’ Severus spat, anger bubbling in his chest. 

‘He is alive.’ Albus’s voice remained calm. 

‘For how much longer?’ Severus asked quietly, he had seen the damage those wretched muggles had inflicted on the child. He knew his work with legilimency was a quick temporary fix, they had a lot more work to do, work that would all be undone if he was sent back to that family. 

‘Harry Potter can not be sent just anywhere to live. If there were a suitable alternative, I would have moved him at the first sign of trouble. It seems we are left with the lesser of two evils.’ Albus dropped any form of sympathy he may have been trying to project. It was moments such as these that the facade of kind old man faltered to give view of the cunning and calculating wizard beneath. 

‘That is not good enough. There are alternative methods that could be implemented to keep him safe elsewhere. He is just a child, it is our duty to protect him.’ Severus argued. 

‘Shy of taking him in yourself, there is nothing you can do other than support him while he is here at Hogwarts.’ Albus shook his head dismissively. 

‘I have the dark mark, I can’t take him in. It would be a blatant show of allegiance to the light, you would lose your only spy.’ Severus muttered, more to himself than to Albus. 

‘Yes, and his godfather is in Azkaban. Remus is a werewolf and his friends consist of a muggle born and a wizard from a family of 9. This is the best we can do.’ Albus stressed the point. 

Severus stood shaking his head in disagreement, but with no valid argument he just made his way out of the office without a farewell. 

__________________________oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo__________________________

Standing before the old worn wardrobe, Harry tried hard to hold his ground. It was bad enough he had failed in front of the class once before, he was not going to let this boggart humiliate him again. Harry prepared himself, he held his wand out and thought about never having to return to his relatives, he thought about all the things he had always wanted to say and do. Then in a flash, the boggart was released, it took no time to find it’s form, already familiar with Harry’s psyche. Harry did not hesitate, ‘riddikulus’ he shouted. The class watched in amusement as the unknown man before them turned a shade of beet purple, a sprout forming on top of his head. Professor Lupin gave a nod of approval as Harry moved from the front of the line. 

‘A beetroot, you turned his head into a beetroot!’ Ron exclaimed with laughter as Harry joined him at the side of the classroom to watch the other students battle the beast. 

Harry laughed, ‘yeah, I don’t know what made me think of it, but it felt fitting.’ Ron just laughed in response. 

Harry spent the rest of the day on a high, overcoming that boggart had felt incredibly therapeutic, and he hoped to never forget the image of his uncle standing there with a beetroot for a head. In all honesty, Harry thought it probably added to the man’s value. 

Harry sauntered down into the dungeons and into Snape’s office, taking the offered seat. ‘I did it.’ He announced, ‘I turned my uncle into a beetroot and passed the boggart unit in defence.’ Harry grinned. 

‘You turned your uncle into a beetroot?’ Snape asked, amused. 

‘Yeah, well just his head, but I think that made it funnier.’ Harry shrugged. 

‘It seems you are quite the comedian.’ Snape teased, his voice playful. 

‘I bet you would have laughed if you had seen it.’ Harry challenged. 

‘Doubtful.’ Snape said in his typical deep staccato voice. Harry just laughed, it was strange seeing Snape joke but he wasn’t going to complain. 

Snape got quiet then, thoughtful. ‘I spoke with the headmaster.’ Snape’s voice was soft, hesitant. 

Harry knew how to read a situation, ‘I have to stay with them, don’t I?’ He asked the question, even though he could read the answer on Snape’s face. 

‘No.’ Snape said defiantly. ‘We, ah, we just need to work out the best place for you.’ 

Harry, surprised by this response, leant back in his chair. ‘How do you know that wherever you send me won’t just be the same?’

‘We will ensure you are safe and cared for.’ Snape assured. 

‘Oh, as opposed to last time.’ Harry replied sarcastically. 

‘That should not have gone on as long as it did, I am sorry someone didn’t step in sooner.’ 

‘So, he did know?’ Harry asked with a roll of his eyes. 

‘Yes. I do believe Professor Dumbledore was aware of the situation, however he was doing what he believed to be best. There are blood wards that protect you while living with your relatives.’ Snape felt awful defending the man, but it wasn’t his place to fuel Harry’s anger. 

‘Wards that kept me and them safe. So I would be putting other people in danger by living with them, I would make them a target…’ Harry trailed off. 

‘This is not your burden to carry, we will figure something out.’ Snape tried to convince Harry, but he honestly wasn’t sure what on earth they were going to do. 

‘It is though, it is completely my burden, that much has been certain ever since Voldemort killed my parents.’ Harry shot. Snape did not flinch at the name, he just levelled his gaze with Harry’s, even though he couldn’t deny the truth in the boy's words. ‘It’s fine, honestly it’s okay. I’ve been fine there this long, I can go back. I never expected to go anywhere else anyway.’ Harry said quietly, resigned to his fate. 

‘Absolutely not.’ Snape said with certainty, he absolutely would not allow this child to return to those people. Harry didn’t look convinced, but humoured him with a tight lipped smile. 

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That night Harry’s nightmares were filled with a different type of horror, images of friends being slain by cloaked death eaters, the screams of his relatives heard through the cupboard door as he pounded from under the stairs unable to break through the lock. Death and death and more death all because of him. Most were nonsensical but the impression they left was indisputable, Harry knew that he could not allow himself to be the reason others were in danger. He would be fine with his relatives, it really wasn’t as bad as it seemed and at least they had the wards protecting them. 

Harry spent the day on autopilot, regularly reminding himself that it was fine and up until a few days ago he had always assumed he would return to Privet drive. Better the devil you know, isn’t that what people say?

Sitting at dinner, the Great Hall seemed louder than ever, and it seemed too much effort to try and participate in conversation when you had to yell to be heard. Many of the Gryffindors seemed to have the same idea and for what was potentially the first time in history, the Gryffindor table was the quietest and most sedate. 

‘You’re attention please.’ The low yet commanding voice of the headmaster rang out, the students immediately falling silent. With a nod of approval Dumbledore addressed the school, ‘Due to the current situation, resulting in the presence of dementors on school grounds we will require all students to return home over the Christmas break. Letters have already been sent to inform your parents. May you all have a festive season and I look forward to our reunion in the new year.’ 

While the students as a whole were not greatly affected by this announcement, it did bring up talk of the dementors and the prisoners that were now running free. A considerable amount of time had passed since their arrival, that the hype had effectively died down, however christmas break was still over a week away, so it seemed there were no immediate plans for them to leave. 

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‘There are not many students that remain over the Christmas break, surely we could accommodate them.’ Severus reasoned, he paced slowly, walking the length of the headmasters office. 

‘Without the structure of classes and a good portion of staff on leave, I do not feel we can adequately ensure their safety.’ Albus explained calmly from where he sat behind his desk. 

‘What about Harry Potter?’ Severus stopped his pacing to face Albus. 

‘He will return to his relatives, as planned.’ Albus, maintained eye contact, as if challenging Severus to argue. 

‘You won’t even look for an alternative?’ Severus shot back incredulously. 

‘There simply is not enough time.’ 

Severus resumed his pacing, as Albus silently watched on, he could see the potion master's brain working furiously. Suddenly Severus stopped, he slowly turned to face the headmaster. 

‘I’ll take him.’


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Severus stopped pacing and slowly turned to face the headmaster. 

‘I’ll take him.’ 

‘Severus…’ Albus sighed 

‘It is the perfect solution, neither he or I would be in any greater danger than we already are. He would not have to return to his relatives, and he can stay with me at the manor during school breaks.’ Severus interrupted. 

‘I’m not sure you understand the weight of what you are saying. To take in a child, to act as a guardian, it involves more than just providing the essentials, you must care for him, Severus.’ 

‘How could I care for him any less than what he is currently experiencing. Do you really think I haven’t considered every possibility? I had decided to take on the responsibility under the circumstance that there was no better alternative, and, since you cannot produce a more suitable arrangement, the boy can come with me.’ Severus raised his voice, annoyed by the assumption that he was rushing into something he wasn’t prepared for. 

‘Severus, I do not doubt that you believe you are prepared for this, however..’

Once again Severus cut off the headmaster, ‘I am not naive enough to think I am prepared to take on a ward, I do however believe that I am capable of providing a safe space for Harry to learn and grow. Which, I might add, is a lot more than he has now.’ 

Albus looked thoughtfully at the younger man, it wasn’t often that he saw such emotion from the usually stoic professor. ‘How do you think the boy will respond to this? You are a great teacher no doubt, but you aren’t winning any popularity contests with the students.’ 

Severus took the seat in front of the headmaster's desk with a resigned shrug, ‘If he would honestly rather return to his relatives than accept me as a guardian… well then, so be it. I would never force the situation, however his rejection would speak volumes about my reputation.’ He let out a sarcastic chuckle, he hadn’t considered that perhaps staying with him would seem worse than the abuse Harry dealt with in Surrey. 

‘I mean no offense Severus, but given your history with the Potter’s, this new alliance comes as a surprise.’ 

Severus scoffed at the knowing glint in the man’s eyes. ‘Yes, well it seems we would be wrong to make assumptions about Harry based upon his parents.’ he all but rolled his eyes at the small smile that crept across Albus’s face. ‘He never even knew them.’ Severus added quietly, thinking back to his conversations with Harry. He knew he had been wrong about him but now saying it outloud, he was faced with how illogical his treatment of the boy had been. He couldn’t change the past but he could ensure he did better from here on in. 

‘We will speak with Mr Potter tomorrow, we can present the idea and let him decide.’ Albus nodded with finality. Severus, glad the man was finally seeing sense, stood and headed to the door. Albus slyly added, ‘it will also give you time to reflect on the offer.’ Severus paused momentarily but did not look back as he descended the spiral staircase. 

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Severus tried to busy himself with his classes the next day, but had to continue to pull back his focus as it wandered to the matter of Harry Potter. As the day wore on, he found himself growing nervous, he could not remember the last time he had felt properly nervous. After gaining approval from Albus, he had not been able to stop himself from imagining Harry at the manor, the two of them sitting at the large dining table as they worked through his summer homework, giving the boy a tour of the gardens. He had already begun planning the magical extension that would be cast on his quarters to provide a room there for the boy, when the other students returned home, they would spend days just relaxing, playing chess or flying. Severus knew it was not wise to allow his mind to run rampant, yet he could not control the hope that filled his chest. Since making the mental decision that he would take the boy in, a seed of fear had started to grow, he had never really wanted anything, but now he wanted this, he wanted to help Harry, to save him, to show him the life that he deserved, which meant that now he had something to lose. He wanted what was best for the boy, however if Harry decided to reject the offer, Severus was sure it would be a mighty blow. 

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‘Relax Severus.’ Albus cooed as the man paced his office. A message had been delivered to Harry earlier, instructing him to make his way to the headmasters office this evening, now all the two men could do was wait. ‘Before he arrives, I must ask once again. You are completely certain this is what you want to do?’ Albus asked earnestly. 

‘Albus please.’ Severus gave the headmaster an exasperated look. 

‘Regardless of what Harry decides, let it be known that I think you would make a marvelous guardian.’ Albus chuckled at the look of surprise that crossed Severus’s face, it wasn’t often that he could catch the man off guard. A small knock at the door saw Severus take his place standing behind the headmaster. ‘Come in Harry.’ Albus called warmly. 

Harry pushed open the door and walked in, confusion clear on his face. ‘Please, take a seat.’ The headmaster motioned to the seat on the opposite side of the desk. Harry sat down nervously, unsure why he had been summoned. 

‘Let me get straight to the point Harry, Professor Snape has informed me of the issues regarding your current living situation at 4 Privet Drive.’ Albus looked over his half moon spectacles at the boy. Harry shot an uncertain look up at Snape. Snape gave him a reassuring nod but remained silent. ‘There are strong blood wards keeping you safe there with your relatives, this strong protective magic makes it difficult to find a similarly safe place for you to live outside of Hogwarts. However, while these wards keep you protected from dark magic it seems they are of little use against the evil of muggles. We do not want you to remain in a hostile environment.’ Albus paused to let Harry process the information. ‘We do believe we have found a suitable alternative living arrangement, if you agree of course. You could become a ward of Professor Snape, most of your time would be spent here with him at Hogwarts, however you would accompany him home during the summer. This is your choice Harry, you may return to your relatives if you wish.’ 

‘No, I don’t want to go back to Privet drive.’ Harry answered almost immediately. If he could get away from there, he would, surely nothing could be quite as bad. 

‘Very well, the arrangements will be made.’ Albus smiled. 

As if only just realising what that meant, Harry’s eyes shot to Snape still standing by the headmaster's chair. 

Snape looked back at the boy, his eyes were full of fear as if he had done something wrong, he was desperately looking for some indication from him, to get a gauge of his reaction. However Snape’s face remained stern, schooled, he had been so worried that Harry wouldn’t want to stay with him that the shock of his instant decision had thrown him for a loop. 

Albus, watching this silent interaction decided to give them some space, ‘I’ll let you two discuss things.’ He excused himself from the room. 

Once alone, Harry found his voice again. ‘I’m sorry, you don’t have to do that. I can go back to my aunt and uncle, I don’t mind.’ 

Snape furrowed his brow in confusion, ‘What? No.’ 

Harry mirrored Snape's confusion. ‘What? But I thought -’ Harry’s voice trailed off. 

‘Harry, this offer was made at my suggestion.’ 

‘Oh-’ Harry continued to try and make sense of what was going on.

‘You don’t have to accept me as your guardian, it is simply an offer.’ Snape said softly. 

‘Oh-’ Harry opened and closed his mouth like a guppy as he tried to find his words. ‘Are you sure?’ 

‘I would not have said it if I wasn’t sure.’ Snape’s voice was firm, but not unfriendly, just certain.

‘Okay then.’ Harry nodded.

‘Okay then.’ Snape nodded. Snape gave Harry a warm amused smile, he could see the stress drain from the boy's body as he smiled in response. He could do this, they could do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so um.. that was that. Thanks for joining me on this ride. 
> 
> This will of course be continued because I am a sucker for father Snape. The next part of this series will be in more of a one-shot type format. Let me know if you have any requests of what you want to see :)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading xx


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